Why do i keep telling lies and making things difficult?

[darlingdaydreamer]

Bit of a weird one, but does anyone lie all the time? Only little lies but I find myself getting caught up in my own lies constantly. for instance only today my friend asked what I was up to the weekend, I said nothing. When really I’m out for a close friends birthday lunch and drinks, I know this and I’ve been looking forward to it for ages. Friend has now asked, since I’m not doing anything if I fancied going to the park and lunch with the kids? I’ve said yeah sounds great! Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just say oohh I’m out for Jane’s birthday, can’t wait, still not sure what to wear etc, what about you? Or immediately say, oh damn just checked and I’ve got jane’s meal this weekend! Sorry! I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but I do this all the time, and then get myself so worked up about having to let them down when I shouldn’t of even said I was free in the first place. I also find myself lying about holidays. Last year when a colleague asked me where I was going on holiday I said Spain, should be nice etc. When really I was going on a Mediterranean cruise. What’s the point of the lie, Everyone talks about their holidays all the time in office so why did I say that, I can’t exactly be like oh I forgot I’m actually on a cruise. I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly because I’ve done it for as long as I can remember, but I’m in my 30's and married now so feel like I need to grow out of it but it just falls out my mouth, I just want to stop, is it a nerves/ anxiety thing?

I have a hunch that these 'harmless' lies are a leftover habit from your childhood. Maybe you wanted to make things sound better? Or give the answer you thought the person wanted to hear? Or maybe it's shyness.
If you find yourself doing it, try to immediately recover the lie to make it your truth.
e.g. When asked about your holiday you said 'I'm going to Spain'. As the conversation continued you could add, 'Actually Spain is just one of our holiday destinations. We're lucky enough to be going on a Mediterranean cruise so we're also stopping at x, x and x.'
Same with the lunch invite and Jane's birthday bash recover the truth by following up the conversation with something like 'Meeting for lunch ... Oops silly me! I've just remembered I'm meeting Jane for her birthday lunch on Saturday. Can't believe it slipped my mind, it's been in the diary for ages! Can we meet up on Sunday/whenever instead?'
I've known people who can't help telling these sorts of lies and it can eventually damage trust, so I hope you can break the habit.

A family member of mine lies instinctively if asked questions, it’s a psychological issue because they were often in trouble with teachers and authority figures if they told the truth about something they didn’t understand was seen as naughty or “wrong” . They were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but tend to fear judgement from others and so will panic and tell a lie if someone asks them an innocent question.

Is that a lie, or do you just not want to explain it and would rather keep the peace? 😂
I’m like that sometimes too… other times I say exactly what my reality is, even when I probably shouldn’t, but when someone asks, I assume they genuinely want to know

This is so interesting! Several members of my family have what I call a 'casual relationship with the truth'. In the boys this tends to be outright lies, not even in answer to questions...sometimes it's just filling silence. In the girls its often adding embellishments to the truth. None of us have regularly been in trouble as children or adults really, we're quite a rule abiding lot.

I can certainly be guilty of it, but trying to be more mindful and catch/correct myself. Usually I'm seeking sympathy or something sort of reaction from someone. It's not a trait I like or take pride and definitely don't want to be modelling it to my children so am really working on it. But it's a tough habit to break when you've grown up with parents and siblings doing it and done it yourself for decades 🙈

It’s different for everyone, but I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t really do it anymore, quite possibly as a result of understanding myself better, taking medication, and doing less dopamine-seeking behaviour.

I sometimes give a knee-jerk responses that are not correct then find it hard to repair the situation. For me I think it reflects processing issues. Instead of taking time to think about the question and properly recall the correct answer, I tend to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. It feels more like an anxious, impulsive reaction than a considered response, often to avoid the awkward pause that comes with trying to retrieve the right information.
I think part of this is linked to my very poor memory, especially for names, dates etc and I often find myself trying to mask that. I’m also ADHD dyslexic so probably have processing differences link to that.

@LostTheGoodScissors I can relate to this so hard. I’m actually pretty smart (haha) but have a processing delay and the blurting out stuff was/is clearly masking. It’s really complex, isn’t it?

The other day at the station someone was asking me which train they should catch and I didn’t know the answer. I directed them to go and ask the conductor. Two minutes later I realised the answer. I think we all have that sort of thing now and then, but it happens to me a LOT.

Wow, I can't tell you how relieved I am by your replies was genuinely expecting to be told i'm a walking red flag, terrible person or similar so thank you so much.
I was a painfully shy child so I think a lot of it goes back to that. To be honest the more I've read into ADHD the more I can identify although I didn't put this with ADHD at all so that's really interesting. Knee jerk reaction is also so relatable. I honestly can't tell you how heard I feel, I know it's something I need to work on myself, I just don't know how to!

@Jessamy12 I'm glad it’s not just me! The other day a delivery guy came when I was in the front garden and asked the door number. I had to turn around and look at the door number on the front door. I’ve lived here three years. Just sometimes when I’m on the spot I sort of have a brain freeze. He laughed and made a joke about not knowing my own door number and I just looked at him blankly because I’ve no idea how you would make that situation less awkward. I kind of hope that he thought I was trying to steal the package because somehow that’s less embarrassing than not knowing your own door number.

My adult niece does this. Over the last year it has really affected our relationship and I’ve distanced myself from her. I feel bad about this because she really needs support in many aspects of her life but I don’t trust anything she says any more.

For example, my daughter met up with my niece and had a lovely time with niece and niece’s 6 year old son. Then my niece told my Mum that my daughter had insisted on carrying the son the whole time and niece hadn’t liked that. Mum wondered why my daughter had done that as he’s too old to be carried now; it would have been quite hard work. I asked my daughter and she said it just wasn’t true, she hadn’t carried him at all.

It sounds minor, but the lies are about everything - her friends, partner, car, finances, health etc. I’ve got to the point where it feels a waste of time talking to her as I don’t know what’s fact or fiction.

I went through a phase of lying once. I'd just blurt out untruths in any situation. Looking back I was very busy, stressed and had no down time. I worked retail and felt pulled in every direction. I think it was a coping mechanism as if I deserved to keep this tiny detail private.

I work in an office now, have much more leisure time etc and haven't fibbed unnecessarily in many years.

Maybe have a ponder about how your life is going and is there something you're unhappy about and can you make changes etc.

I identify with this. I'm not so bad anymore but I have definitely said I'm not up to much when actually I am meeting up with people. I do think it's some kind of habit from childhood.
I remember, as a child, feeling really put out if my friend was seeing another friend, and would always worry that I'd upset others if I had someone else over to play.
Obviously, I am over this now and have friendships with others and see different people without feeling guilty. I also know my friends have other friends besides me! But despite no longer having these feelings, I have occasionally not said I'm seeing anyone when I actually am doing something nice with a friend. It's probably some kind of people pleasing tendency.
I have ADHD, so many strange little habits.
If I were you, I'd perhaps send a text saying something like Oops, I forgot that I'm seeing x, can we do another day?" That way, if she's not already told her children, you can save disappointment. I know it's another lie, but it stops any further escalation!
You're aware of it now, so hopefully something you can stop yourself doing next time someone asks.

I do this a lot. I think subconsciously I want to give people the answer that I think they want to hear, because when I was a kid saying the "wrong" thing could result in me being slapped or screamed at by my mother. It's a habit that's never really gone away.