Please tell me the story of how you changed your life

[BreakfastWithMacy]

I will try and keep this short.
I am 38, I have 2 sons, 15&11, one is disabled. I have been single (excluding dating) for over 9 years. The boys see their Dad the classic EoW. I went to uni and got a degree and then a masters. I do not have any practical (and little emotional) family support, my friends have their own lives. I work five days a week. I have navigated disability, schooling, problems, homelessness and financial stress almost entirely alone. I bought a house that we hate, that has had a lot of issues, away from school and friends and work and nice walks because we were homeless and my offer was accepted. It was based on desperation.

I am unhappy and unhealthy and exhausted. I would like to move house, change career (or be more fulfilled), lose weight and not feel pain in my body, contribute and become part of a community, time that belongs to me.

If you've managed to change your life around, please tell me why and how!

That sounds really tough op. Hopefully someone will be along with practical advice for you soon.

I did turn my life around once when everything seemed hopeless, by changing jobs. It's not easy with dependents, of course. My job wasn't the root cause of my need for change, but I found that it gave me a fresh start, new friends, distance from a toxic relationship and fresh energy. Once I felt the job was secure it then enabled a house change too.

It's not popular on Mnet, but the sense of community you are seeking, with a new direction and fresh focus can also be found in a faith community, if that is something you are open to exploring.

Hth.

You’ve done amazingly OP, in circumstances that clearly weren’t easy.

There’s a lot you want to change here, and I wonder if it could help to start small with a first step in each category. Maybe even make a list!
So - new career. Could a new job be a start here? What do you need to do to get a new job - sign up to job alerts on Indeed and LinkedIn, identify and meet recruiters.
House - which bits don’t you like? Could a bit of redecoration or new blinds help? Does a tap need fixing? Does one wall or one room need painting? List out the small tasks that will make a difference, are achievable and make you feel better about it.
Weight - can you cut out one thing (eg pizza or chips or chocolate or fizzy drinks) that means you will eat more healthily. Then next week or next month another thing and so on. Can you add in something (an apple or orange) every day to make you more healthy? Is there a vitamin supplement (vitamin D or omega 3 you can start taking) The ultimate aim will be to cut out processed foods and drinks and do a walk every day.
Love - this probably comes when other things are fixed and you are feeling a bit better. Join a local group like a walking group or volunteer group or choir?

Good luck OP - it’s one thing at a time!

Had a lot of stress over many years due to trying to raise a family, work whilst navigating a broken system for our SEND Child. Was overweight and unhealthy and our finances were dire.
Woke up one day absolutely sick of my life and realised that no-one was coming to save me!
Had a stark realisation that I'm the only one who could fix my life, I either had to put up or shut up!
I put the whole family on a healthy eating regime, joined an outdoor gym, overhauled our finances and involved the kids in everything (cooking/house maintenance/pet care/budgeting/shopping/decorating etc) We spend most of our time outdoors now and 3 year's on I'm fit, 4 stone lighter, money in our savings, and am so proud of the kids who are all self sufficient (except SEN kiddo). Life is much simpler and much happier than it used to be but mainly because my outlook and energy are now positive. I'll admit that I have a supportive husband so that obviously helps massively but I think that it took my realisation and determination to change us all.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and done really well navigating it. Try and take it in bite sized chunks and so little things each day that will help you move in the direction you want to go in. Give yourself 10 minutes a day to yourself, make an effort socially once a week - baby steps. I find it too overwhelming trying to change everything all at once and then end up changing nothing!

I am so sorry you are finding things so tough, you may not recognise it but you have done so well to parent your kids under such challenging circumstances.

In my case, I was a single mother at 36 with two small kids whose “dad” couldn’t even be arsed to see them EOW. I was incredibly lucky to meet my dh online and that’s when mine and my dc’s life changed. All of a sudden we were doing several fun things at weekends and (stressful) holidays with his kids. Keep your options open and carve out a little time to meet new people, both men and women to socialise with. You are still so young.

OP you sound like you have actually done incredibly well. You have achieved a degree and now a masters. You are a home owner. Presumably a sole breadwinner and while caring for a disabled child.
I suspect you are burnt out which is why you are viewing all these frankly massive achievements through a negative lens.
i do not have your challenges but still found my weight crept up to obesity and I was exhausted. Exercise is what helped me to feel less tired and better about my body. I’m still overweight but feel much better in myself. Couch to 5k helped me to start and now I do weights at the gym when I can.
i am not sure if you can fit any in around your kids but even an evening you tube video at home may help you with your energy levels ?

A bit overweight here, in need of new, < hopefully more fulfilling new job >, a possible seaside relocation....all I can control is my mindset and weight....the rest will be according to God's plan for me

Op, i am exactly the same position. Bought a house i hate out of desperation, overweight and single for 10 years. I feel overwehlmed with how to fix my entire life and my problem is and always has been, i want everything to happen immediately 😂. I am trying to give myself grace. Im sorry no real advice but youre not alone. Xx

Start with losing weight you can start this today, you’ll feel better in yourself by doing this and feeling good about yourself can be the driver behind all other changes. To move house you’ll (presumably) need a higher paying role so that is the next phase of your journey. Start with you, is my only advice xxx

That is a lot. What is in your power to change / control right now? What is most urgent or seems most achievable?

For me, workplace coaching was really helpful in changing my mindset and feeling more fulfilled without changing jobs. Any chance of accessing this via your current employer or is there anyone you admire you could ask for informal mentoring? From what you've said, having a sounding board could be very helpful.

Agree that you are overwhelmed so need to set long and short term goals.

A short term goal could be decorating the house if you can physically do this to make it feel more homely and start on the path to losing weight. That will help you with energy levels and feeling more positive. Your GP should be able to help with pain relief.

I’m not religious but churches are a great form of community support and a way to meet local people. They put on community events too. Or a fitness class - online if necessary. Or all of you could help out at a food bank for example - there are volunteering roles for everyone.

Then maybe look to see if your organisation can support you to branch into other areas by shadowing, getting mentor support. Or with training courses to re-skill you to do something else/earn more.

Longer term, start saving towards a house move and think about areas you and your kids would like to live in. You might only need two bedrooms in the future if one of your dc moves out.

Use ChatGPT to upload a photo of a room or the garden then ask a question eg „make this room more stylish on a small budget“. It’s amazing the results you get. You can add follow up orders such as „make this more chic/ use different lamps/ feature blue etc…

Example

It sounds like you have been through a lot and are still carrying a lot, including for other people. Some good ideas on here.

Career - where/what would you like to be? The first thing is to identify that and then what the steps are to get there. Are there any (free) online courses? Will your current work help you train?

Other things - do you have any time to yourself? I joined a local singing group (reading music isn't always required). It's uplifting. Can you get off the bus or park further away and walk? Walking is simply the best exercise there is. Is park run an option? My local one has a group of tailwalkers and a group who 'walk and talk'.

I think love and relationships might come out of feeling better about yourself, rather than looking for someone to raise you up when you're feeling down on yourself. Best of luck xxx

Finding an online community has really helped me. Don't get me wrong things are still messy but I feel a lot less alone some days and more empowered to do things that make me happy away from the singlehood, SEN parenting, finances etc.

The one I'm in is an ND group for parents who are also ND or a little out of the box, and there's a monthly therapeutic session, a weekly catch up and a WhatsApp group. I think it's a tenner a month...even if that doesn't sound your thing I'd thoroughly recommend finding an active positive online support group you can build connections in.

I've been a single parent for 15 years, OP I applaud you for everything you have done for your family, I know first hand how hard it is. Definitely agree with those saying break it down into small steps and areas so you don't totally lose your mind. Ask AI to help you with these smaller projects. Ask for help as well.

It sounds like you have coped with a lot. With the changes that you want to make, I would write everything down and decide which one is most important..make those changes first. It might be that if you prioritise yourself /health/ wellness /weight first that will motivate you to change the other things. One thing, one day at a time. Good luck xx

I hated my job and felt like a complete loser.

I started to volunteer in a field I really, really cared about. For six years I spent my spare time volunteering, and my days working a job I couldn’t care less about.

One day I got a call from a recruiter, who said: “I’ve got a really weird job here.” It was a perfect mix of the two: my day job and my, apparently unrelated, volunteering. Total fluke the recruiter called me.

Now I earn almost twice as much, and every day feels like it matters.

I think you need to start with reframing your achievements first: look what you have managed to accomplish: Higher degree, holding down a full time job as a single mum of two with one having a disability, avoiding homeless and securing a home and keeping a roof over your heads (ok it's not a dream roof but it's a roof). All with no support. You are literally superwoman.

Absolutely no wonder you feel burnt out and don't like many aspects of your life.

Like others have said: tackle one thing at a time. It might be rest, it might be something else. Focus on this one thing and how to progress it on the days the dcs are with your father. Record progress made regularly and don't beat yourself up if you have set backs just keep going.

For the rest of the time when the boys are with you I would focus on keeping the show on the road and then work on your priority again when the kids aren't with you so you contain the space where you work on changing things.

As I said in your situation making the key priority rest to build up your strength and energy again to tackle the rest of things you want to change would be a legitimate course of action in my view.

I have dc who are with their dad eow also. I also have dc with Sen. The battle that comes with just that is exhausting. Self care op would be my first but of advice. What do you do when you are childfree? I sometimes go to a cafe alone or book a massage. Is there hobbies/classes you could try? You need to narrow down what you want to do first. Would it be easier to move nearer to friends/school for dc and they could have more freedom? After you have moved you could look at retraining? I stuck with the area we live in for schooling but intend to move once schooling is over. I chose to retrain which has been hardwork but will be worthwhile financially.