How do you define "friend"

[hildaogden99]

Having this debate with DD. She's 19, started uni last September and often has wobbles that she hasn't made enough friends, especially close ones (unlike other people apparently!).

To me, it seems like she has plenty and is doing great, often rattling off various names. I've reminded her that 6 months is no time to make really close friends. She has about 5 people at uni she describes as actual friends, everyone else is an acquaintance - two she already knew from home, plus 3 she's met since September. She counts them as friends because she socialises with them regularly (both individually and in groups) and messages & chats with them a lot, hanging out in each others flats etc. She also knows lots more people that she'll hang out with in a group, some are friends of friends, chats to them a bit on a superficial level but wouldn't meet up with individually. I agree that these are acquaintances. However, there are others she socialises with a lot as a group but doesn't actually meet 121, specifically two who regularly make up a 5 with her plus two of her "proper" friends as they're all into film so get together for movie nights and may hang out at the pub or someone's flat after, they also banter a lot on social media and message each other a bit but because they've never met up individually they are not friends (they are both close friends with one of her friends though). One in particular she mentions a lot but when I suggested they were a friend she scoffed and said they hardly knew each other!

I'm speaking to her later as she's been feeling very down about it all so would be good for some clarity.

For me I think I'd count someone as a friend when we do things together outside of whatever structured activity has brought us together. For example Mary who I see once a week at pottery group would be an acquaintance. Brenda who I see at weekly pottery group but we also try to grab a coffee together at some point every week would be a friend.

A very close friend is a person you can confide in and have confidence they won’t take advantage having that knowledge. Really close friendships take a time, it’s rare to be close quickly and slightly dangerous though that’s possibly too strong a word as some take advantage. I have friendships of decades and then a few I have known for less than three years. I attract people easily, I’m slightly unsure why as I’m pretty blunt and to the point but I’m not hiding anything and I think people subconsciously like that.

There are two women I have known for less than three years I have become very close to, one was a quite newly arrived immigrant from Hong Kong which was my families country of origin years ago and the other was on the brink of filing for divorce. I would class both as vulnerable in the sense that they needed friends and over shared a bit too quickly. I usually avoid people like this but they both have some lovely qualities.

I would say she is doing fine, I worked at a University as a housing officer for many years and they are all in the same boat. Finding a ride or die friend may happen at University or it may not. I have 2 friends who are ride or die from my time as a student and those friendships have lasted 30 years. The real reason is why is she so insecure? Any history of being bullied, feeling like an outsider?

The real reason is why is she so insecure? Any history of being bullied, feeling like an outsider?

Well she is ND which means she struggles with social interaction more than most people. She struggled at school a bit but wasn't bullied as she's an expert masker but finds it exhausting. She didn't go out much when home but was determined to have a great uni experience and really put herself out there which paid off as she met lots of new people. However, she finds it hard work, constantly analyses her interactions with people & thinks people don't like her/prefer others/find her boring. She goes through phases where she has to stop going out which then causes massive fomo. She particularly hates it when people she's introduced to each other become friends which has happened a few times leaving her feeling left out. Conversely, she's recently become inseparable with someone who was originally a friend of a friend and I've told her I doubt they're spitting feathers and accept some people just hit it off. I think it doesn't help that she's been hanging out with a lot of party animals which isn't really her as much as she tries to pretend she is to fit in!

As I said she believes she has just 5 friends, although I'm sure some people would count many of the other people she hangs out with as friends too, just not close ones.

What I've learned on here is that there isn't a universal definition of friend. I didn't think I had many friends compared to others but then I was on a thread where people were referring to "friends" that they hadn't communicated with for 5 years. Made me realise I'm more average than I thought.

Friends are people who care about you to the extent that if you don’t speak for a while they will check in to make sure all is well. They think about you and will help you if things need an extra hand. They miss you and hug you when you meet. They might know your family and have been included in christenings and parties.

Thanks, I've now spoken to her. She's still sad, realises she's being irrational but still can't get past the fear that she's not popular despite my reassurances that she's doing great - last night she spent the evening round someone's flat with 5 other people (only 2 of whom she classes as friends, even though she's spent many an evening with the other 3 over the last few months). She then returned to her halls and sat up until 6am chatting with 2 other friends. Tonight 4 of them are getting together to plan a trip for the summer! This does not sound like the behaviour of someone with few friends to me, which I told her, so we agreed she needs some counselling to manage her feelings which I am trying to arrange for when she comes home for the summer. So hard 😔