To think I can’t ever forgive my mum for this?

[Iamlosttoday]

I’m pregnant, second trimester and have just left an abusive relationship. It has taken me around 4 times of trying to leave to actually leave. No physical abuse, but bad emotional. One day loved me, next day hated me without reason. Would constantly put me down, tell me that he hated me and resented me and the baby, then the next day change his mind. It was awful. Would hug me and in the next breath say oh god why did I do that. Would game play, withhold money, that type of thing. Would sleep with me and say ugh after and shove me off. We’d been together years and it’s only been like this mainly since the pregnancy.

So after my self esteem finally hitting the floor, I left this time and this time for good. But it was bad before I left, I was literally at the point where I felt suicidal whenever he was near me and had also become frightened of his moods. He’d spent so long telling me I’d be a bad mum when the baby came I’d started to believe it.

so I reached out to my mum once I left, we are in contact most days and close. Her initial reaction was “you always say you’re going to leave and never do. You’ll be back there this week” I told her no, I’d reported him and seemed support from a DV charity. I then confessed to her that at my lowest ebb I’d had suicidal thoughts, had confided in my midwife and luckily when away from him don’t have them. She said “so you’d hurt your baby then? You’d be a baby killer? You obviously don’t love baby much if you’d been thinking about that”

I just hung up. She’s tried to reach out but I feel so disgusted with her. I’ve held her through many of her MH crisis and never judged. And she’s fully aware peri natal depression is a thing. I just can’t bring myself to speak to her again.

My issue is I’ve been told I need a C section and with her and my ex gone, there isn’t anyone but me. But I really don’t want her near me post partum.

That is awful. Absolutely awful. Probably re-traumatising too.

You are awesome for leaving him. It’s so hard.

I think this is something to consider. How toxic / supportive is your mum in reality? How does she generally make you feel?

What you do need is good support. Sending you love and strength.

OP, have you never, ever said something that you have subsequently profoundly regretted? I’m sure your DM was actually horrified that you had even contemplated suicide, and her remarks that you interpreted as insensitive were borne of fear at the prospect that you could even think such a thing, and in the instant, she wanted to find something that would make an impression to stop you from doing it. Your DM is probably worn out by your constant saying you’ll leave and then going back - it’s very hard to think that someone you love is being ill-treated, and has returned to an abuser. You say you and your DM are normally in daily contact, so clearly you’re close to her, and you will be glad of her support once your baby is born. If your mother has tried to reach out, then let her. I really don’t think she’s judging you: I think she’s very frightened at the thought that you have even contemplated suicide, and said the first thing that came into her head. Be receptive to her if she reaches out again, or throw her a bone by way of a text, so that you can reconnect and talk about how she made you feel. We all make mistakes - don’t throw away your mother's love and concern for the sake of one ill-judged remark.

If this is your first baby I wouldn't worry about coping after a C section . Especially as now they are done via epidural so you won't have the added recovery from a G A . I've had 3 and for the first 2 had no help from my crappy H who just carried on and went to the pub as normal . I managed OK. Although tired . I actually managed better than after a normal first birth .

You've done the right thing to leave , try and make up with your Mum , she probably reacted in fear .

Once everything has calmed down maybe give therapy a try as it seems like you were drawn to an emotionally abusive relationship because you have an emotionally abusive parent.

No contact the both of them and just 100% focus on yourself and your baby and what you want your future relationship with your child to be like. There are really great free parenting courses at the family hubs where you can meet others in a similar situation. Stay safe.

Hi @Iamlosttoday
I really feel for you - you're going through so so much.
As a mum of a young adult woman finding her way, I feel so much of her worries and anxieties as if they are happening to me. It's weirdly worse than when she was a kid in terms of my worry for her.
Im going to assume that before this comment your relationship with your mum has been generally good.
If so, I would say this is a comment born out of abject worry for you. Maybe she was clumsily trying to shock you, maybe she didn't think and panicked and it came out. As a parent very hard to stay calm when your "still child" talks in such terms.
I think I would try and move past it and forgive her. Try and meet up and explain how it made you feel and let her apologise.

If you are still feeling suicidal then try and work on yourself - can you get some therapy, talk to a friend or even the Samaritans?

I wish you so much luck and hope you can help yourself. When you look into your baby's face, you may well find a real strength, purpose and joy in such quantities you've never felt before and this will help give you strength x x

I also think your mum was graspng at straws, you say you have a close relationship generally. I think you scared the shite out of her and she yes, she reacted crassly but us mums aren't trained therapists and I think she scrabbled for anything to say to put that awful idea out of your head. Please consider meeting her for a heart to heart, and consider giving her another chance, why would you give your pathetic, disgusting ex more chances than your mum. It's not like your mum has form this

I must be reading something different from some of the other posters. What an appalling insensitive and nasty thing for your mother to say to you, when heavily pregnant and fleeing domestic violence. Someone who should love and support you unconditionally.

if I came on here and said - my pregnant daughter is fleeing an abusive husband and is suicidal so I told she would be a baby killer and obviously doesn’t love her baby, but oh now she’s not talking to me and is upset - posters would be in uproar about how awful I’d been and how I’d be victim blaming.

baffling.

well done op on getting away. What your mum said was horrendous and you are completely
justified to not want to speak to her.

I wouldn’t cut her off after one thoughtless comment. If she has her own mental health difficulties, I’d beat that in mind and speak to her again.

Very well done at leaving.

your mum didn’t mean it like that she’s just worried for you and the baby. It will all be alright with you, baby and mum when the baby arrives.

I don't think you need to cut her any slack. She doesn't actually seem to be supporting you, she is doing more of the same of what your partner done. How you interpret her comments will be in the context of your wider relationship so nobody can really advise you, only tell you that you're not being unreasonable over these comments. She is. No slack. That doesn't mean you can't respond to her reaching out but she owes you a massive apology and you don't need to let it go because you might have once said something mean to someone. It's a horrible thing to have said to someone actively seeking support from her in that moment.

Well done for leaving, I hope you’re ok right now. If your mum is otherwise lovely I would forgive her this comment, it sounds like a panicky reaction at the thought of losing you.

This OP.

And guess what: you have come out on top as far as that comment is concerned becasue you HAVEN'T gone back, It's your mum who will have to eat humble pie on that one.

I am a mum OP, and you will be very soon, and what you learn is that you really do love your children in a way that makes it hard to untangle your own emotion from it. We all try, but sometimes we get it wrong. An example is so many of us have to really try to shelve our alarm when our dc hurt themselves and just give gentle reassurance and comfort. It is so common for mums to cry out at a dc falling off their bike or whatever in a way that sounds harsh - because they feel the fear and almost feel the pain themselves.

It really reads to me as though that was the sort of reaction your mum was having. She was alarmed and not in the place to react calmly to that revelation, and also probably was trying to shock you into thinking what that would mean for the baby - whom I am sure she loves too. I don't think it was meant to shame or criticise - although I see why it sounded that way.

She has tried to reach out again. I understand you are feeling distrustful after all you have been through, but truly, Op, as a mum I can understand where that comment might have come from, and my gut is she loves you - and your baby.

A mum is not perfect - far from it - but can nevertheless be one of the best people to support through childbirth and the early days of parenting. You are not going to have a partner, but a mum can be the next best thing.

OP well done for taking such a brave step.
You say you've helped your mum through her own bad times, so you understand her pretty well by now.
Unlike other people here, I don't see just one panicky badly judged comment. I see someone whose natural reaction is to belittle her daughter. And she couldn't stop herself even when you badly needed her love and support. If I've got that right, then you are better off without her for a while. When you are learning to cope with a new baby, you don't need someone dropping poison in your ear.
Reach out to your midwife, look for local charities who can help. Try and make friends at antenatal classes, then anything where mums and babies get together.
If you want to let your mum back into your life, do it slowly, and on your own terms. You need to be mentally strong to keep up your defences against a narcissist parent.

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time, choosing for this man to be the father of your child must be incredibly frustrating for your mum to watch.

My sister was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, she would be round our mums every week telling her all about how awful he was, what he used to do, that she was going to leave him etc, but beg her not to do anything or say anything, then she'd say she didn't want to be on her own, so she would ultimately stay with him. And then they bought kids into it too in the hope things would be different. It is hard for your family to watch that happen and ALSO have to pretend everything is alright when you see them at family gatherings, because you've been sworn to secrecy about his behaviour. Sister would then get cross that no one was fawning over him the way she would when we were all together.

Trust me, as hideous as it is for you to be a victim of this, it is also hideous for your family helplessly watching all that unfold from the sidelines, my mum also got frustrated and gave my sister some harsh words at times, in the hope it would finally be enough to tip her over, which highly offended her. It took nearly 20 years for her to leave him and nothing anyone said made a jot of difference in the meantime, he's never bothered with his kids since, said at the time that he never wanted them anyway.

I hope you find the strength to leave this time.

That black and white thinking is frustrating. Like people who think postnatal depression means you don't love your baby. It lack of emotional intelligence. You could try talking to her more explaining things in great detail hoping she will get it. Good luck and good luck with the baby. Hopefully they will keep you in hospital a few days because of the c section so you don't have to get up and about straight away. Try to do a ton of easy meals and stock up on those disposable formula ready bottles for when you are home so you don't have to do too much for the first week or so besides care for your baby. Hopefully your mum will come round and be a help not being mean

In this situation, I would give her the chance to apologise. But a proper apology, not an “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”

Do you have any friends that could help?

If your Mum has had repeated MH crisis, she may have a background that means she's emotionally damaged and not actually capable of being properly supportive. I've realised a friend of mine is like this (after she lashed out horribly once again).

I'm still working out how to deal with it, but basically I think it's about only letting someone into your life as much as they can do no damage. So, not trusting or relying on anyone who has shown they may lash out and hurt you, or be hurtfully unsupportive. Keep them at arms length somewhat, enjoy a more distant relationship.

It absolutely sucks when you need support though. 6 months ago I had MNers saying I needed to reach out for support and not understanding there wasn't anyone I could trust like that. Early in pregnancy, single, and had suicidal feelings, so I do understand that.

With the birth, sometimes they pair you with a student if you've no birth partner, so you have an extra person there just for you. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful re. this aspect but I wish you well.

Honestly, she’s probably just sick to death of you saying you’re going to leave him, slagging him off to her and then going back to him and expecting her to be happy about it.

She is not your therapist. She’s got real emotions that will come out every now and then.
If you want a yes man and someone who is basically going to just agree with everything you say, then use ChatGPT.

There is nothing more difficult than seeing your child constantly going back to their abuser and she is likely frustrated and everything she has said in the past obviously hasn’t helped because you’ve gone straight back to him.

She has her own life, with her own problems and you seem to think that you are more important.
You say she struggles with MH and so perhaps she’s struggling and cannot keep hearing about your on again, off again relationship.

Well done for leaving again.
But I think you’d be silly to cut your mum off for these comments, even if they were unkind.
Your mum is not a robot and will sometimes say stupid things, just like we all do.
You need your mum right now.

Definitely. Imagine your child coming to you and saying they'd been wanting to kill themselves. It's a shock and I'd imagine it's hard to say the right thing when you've just had that kind of statement said to you, especially by a pregnant daughter. OP I'd cut your mom some slack, I think you'd just shocked her and in the moment she said the wrong thing. Don't lose her support over this

I supported a friend who left an abusive man and then went back time and time again. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting. I know I said a few hurtful things during this time as I was so exasperated and heartbroken seeing what he was doing to her. Yes your mum was insensitive but if she’s normally supportive and loving then don’t let it come between you as you will need her support moving forward

I completely agree.

I told my mum to save us all time and kill herself instead of waiting for her abuser to do it.

It was probably the worst thing anyone could ever say to someone but she had been regularly physically abused and almost killed and still went back.

You can’t help but get frustrated when someone is telling you how awful someone is and then getting back with them.
In my situation we knew he’d end up killing her as he’d already tried (fortunately he ran off with someone else).

OP needs to stop expecting her mum to be perfect.
What she said was hurtful but she shouldn’t cut her off for it.
She needs her support now more than ever.

Well done for in fact putting your baby first and getting away.
Have you logged his abuse with the police?
In case he tries to gain contact with the baby?

What your mother said was absolutely foul.
I am so sorry.
Has she form for being so nasty?

Tell your health team of this development and that you need extra support.

Take some time away to decide what you want to do.

As a former DV victim myself, I now realise just how much our upbringing and family are a factor in us becoming vulnerable to abuse

im not surprised your mum has said this to you. Mine actively sabotaged any attempt I wanted to make to leave. As did my sister somehow.

turns out BOTH of them have shitty relationships, but as mine was the worst, they needed me to stay put to feel better about themselves

I have VERY little contact with my sister and no contact whatsoever with my mother.

take a step back love, for your own self preservation. You have friends I’m sure, they’ll be more helpful to you.

Well done for getting out. This is the beginning of your best life now! MN was invaluable for me when I got out. Lean in and get the support you can from wherever you can. Do the freedom programme so that you ensure your future safer and never again fall victim to another abusive relationship.

it takes work. Hard work, but you are worth it. Your dc is worth it, so hustle and hustle to get yourself to where you need to be.

you can do this! I promise. 😘

OP, firstly MASSIVE WELL DONE for leaving the abusive 'man' in your life.
Incredibly important.

re your Mum. It's hard to know if this was a one off awful comment (& it was awful) or if it is part of her way of treating you (that needs cutting off if so)

@OrdinaryGirl has great suggestions upthread to tackle it to see which it is.

Meantime, organise as much support around you as you can. You CAN do this.

Mum is exhausted of being on your cycle too with the abusive relationship

I agree with mum. She is frustrated and helpless.

cut her slack, she will be there for you and you’ll thank her one day (not for the comment)