To think I can’t ever forgive my mum for this?

[Iamlosttoday]

I’m pregnant, second trimester and have just left an abusive relationship. It has taken me around 4 times of trying to leave to actually leave. No physical abuse, but bad emotional. One day loved me, next day hated me without reason. Would constantly put me down, tell me that he hated me and resented me and the baby, then the next day change his mind. It was awful. Would hug me and in the next breath say oh god why did I do that. Would game play, withhold money, that type of thing. Would sleep with me and say ugh after and shove me off. We’d been together years and it’s only been like this mainly since the pregnancy.

So after my self esteem finally hitting the floor, I left this time and this time for good. But it was bad before I left, I was literally at the point where I felt suicidal whenever he was near me and had also become frightened of his moods. He’d spent so long telling me I’d be a bad mum when the baby came I’d started to believe it.

so I reached out to my mum once I left, we are in contact most days and close. Her initial reaction was “you always say you’re going to leave and never do. You’ll be back there this week” I told her no, I’d reported him and seemed support from a DV charity. I then confessed to her that at my lowest ebb I’d had suicidal thoughts, had confided in my midwife and luckily when away from him don’t have them. She said “so you’d hurt your baby then? You’d be a baby killer? You obviously don’t love baby much if you’d been thinking about that”

I just hung up. She’s tried to reach out but I feel so disgusted with her. I’ve held her through many of her MH crisis and never judged. And she’s fully aware peri natal depression is a thing. I just can’t bring myself to speak to her again.

My issue is I’ve been told I need a C section and with her and my ex gone, there isn’t anyone but me. But I really don’t want her near me post partum.

Well done for leaving @Iamlosttoday, it’s a huge thing you’ve done and the right thing.

Concentrate on your baby and your own well-being. Are you part of any mum to be groups? Do you have a good friend or two who you can also lean on?

Give your mum some space and cut her some slack. It was a horrible thing to say but people aren’t perfect. You could tell her it’s upset you and you want some apace for now.

lots of luck to you xox

This. It’s no surprise that OP ended up with a shitty man after having a shitty mother.

It is very hard what you are going through. It is also very hard what your mum is going through. Cut her some slack. Mum's aren't perfect (as you are finding out about yourself - you are not a perfect mum either) so please don't expect your mum to behave perfectly. She has her own feelings to deal with about everything too. She was probably shocked and angry to hear that you might have committed suicide. Also she probably doesn't understand abuse dynamics. It's very hard for those around the abused person when they keep saying hey will leave and then don't and that is true for trained professionals too so for your mum it has probably felt intolerable at times. I see her comments as possibly coming from a place of anxiety expressed as anger.

Well done for leaving your ex partner.

Your mum may have been scared and reactive in this instance.
OR
She may be a rubbish mum who manipulates you and contributes to your low self-esteem.

You should spend some time thinking about this and decide how much time you would like to spend with her in the future and balance this against any physical or monetary support she can offer you and your child. I would suggest that you do not immediately cut ties, as she is currently your only support. (I see my mum physically and do my elderly care duty like she is some East End matriarch, but have taught myself to seek self-validation and guidance). You can use this relationship to your advantage if you are cautious and reflective. This is something you can develop over time and you do not need to make any rash decisions.

I feel that the most important thing for you right now is to understand that your ex-partner may seek the right to have access to his child in the future and this means he will also have direct/indirect access to you. It is in your best interests to reduce this access as much as possible. I suggest you use you officially document his emotional abuse and seek advice over whether this is coercive control, warranting legal intervention. I think you will be more successful if you address this ASAP. You need to do everything to can to reduce his access to you and your child. If you need advice on how to start this process, you should ask on this thread and there are many wise and experienced women who will help you.

You also need to look at your finances/employment/living arrnagement and make a plan. This is something that is not urgent today, but needs to develop.

If you do want to repair things with your mum you need to be honest about your interactions with her. Is it the case that you've been dumping your toxic relationship troubles on her for a long time? Has she had to watch whilst you boomerang back to an abusive man for what - years? And now, when you've finally left and she can breathe again, you're telling her you are suicidal.

Should she have been more supportive- yes of course. But you've put her through a hell of a lot. If she's generally a loving mum then you might want to give her a little grace.

Has you mum believed you about him and his behaviour? Has she been trying to get you to leave, supported the idea of you leaving? Has she had to watch you stay, or repeatedly go back, then listen to you about how abusive he is over and over again?

Massively agree with this

I would not cut her.off over this.
You sound formerly close and bluntly.you will have 2 children woth an abuser and you'll need all the help ypu.can get for the first year or so.

I’ve experienced both sides of this. I’ve been abused for years and been the person who didn’t leave. I’m friends with someone who doesn’t leave.

In defence of your mum, it’s exhausting, terrifying and sad when the person you love won’t leave an abusive relationship no matter how often you tell them to or how much help you give. I would honestly forgive. Now I’m on the other side I can see how stressful it was for my parents that no matter what they did I stayed with the bastard beating me up and emotionally abusing me. Maybe she is exhausted by it.
In any case, take the time you need. Concentrate on yourself right now and let your midwife know that you are without support. She will help or know how to access help. Congratulations on finally leaving. It’s a big deal!

We often tolerate narcissistic partners because their behaviour feels familiar, and it feels familiar because our main carer was narcissistic. I don’t think you can rely on your mother - she may treat you the same way when you’re post C-section as she has at your lowest. I’d maintain no contact with her and seek support from a charity for your post C-section care; they may be able to provide a doula.

Don’t cut her off based on one conversation: she’s probably waited for this moment so may times - only for you to go back to someone who treated you badly. As a Mum that must have hurt her a thousand times over. Som people react like your Mum did to see whether you mean it this time. The baby killer comment was probably said for shock value - rather than blame you. She wanted to draw your attention to your unborn baby.

I’d let her cool off and when she contacts you again I’d have a chat how hurtful her words were to you and how you need her support rather than judgements. Remind her of how you supported her and take it from there. Good luck with the baby and well done for leaving the bastard!! Do not go back because this sort of behaviour never improves - he’d only hurt your little one, too.

People aren’t always at their best when dealing with someone who is struggling mentally. There is a good chance you’ve been quite frustrating for her to deal with and the suicidal thoughts triggered a bit of a shock response. One of the challenges I think with dealing with someone who is depressed is that they don’t always see the impact of their own behaviour on others. Now obviously she went in pretty harshly but lots of posters here can see it was probably a ‘you’ve got something to live for’ type comment. You’ve now left and done a brilliant, hard thing. I’d forgive your mum and move forward.

How is your mum supposed to know you have left permanently this time? Have you perhaps done or said the same or similar things before and gone back? It could be that she is weary of the cycle of abuse, and doesn't realise you have actually ended it this time. Maybe as things become clearer to her she will be able to support you more. This might take a bit of time.

I wouldn’t cut her off based on a one off shitty comment.

I’ve been in your situation (and currently have a friend in the thick of it) and now many years later and looking back, it’s a miracle I still have some friends from that time. She just had a wrong reaction, sadly.

Well done for getting away from your relationship. And for speaking to the charity and your midwife. Keep on talking to both to see what help and support is available to you during the rest of your pregnancy and post birth. Your midwife or GP can refer you for MH support if you feel like you need someone to talk to about all the changes going on right now.
About your mum, who is she normally? Was this comment out of the blue for her or has she always been a person who has hurt you emotionally from time to time? I ask because many people who find themselves in abusive relationships are conditioned to accepting a level of emotional abuse in the childhoods which makes them more vulnerable. Lots of people here are suggesting giving your mum the benifit of the doubt. And I get it, it's an awful time to step away from a close relationship with your mum. I'm just suggesting that you protect yourself and if you continue to have a relationship with her, see her for exactly who she is and acknowledge her emotional limitations to yourself.
Or if I'm speaking codswollop about your mum, ignore it all

Maybe see what she has to say now. If she takes accountability for what she says? Maybe she was absolutely panicked at the thought of you taking yours and your baby’s lives and she would lose you both so jumped to saying that as one thing she knew would stop you and make you think of the baby? I could be making excuses for her I know but I’d see what she has to say and whether she tries to blame you for her comment or whether she is truly apologetic.

ignore the poster who says you "put your mum through hell"

That's what mums are for. What kind of mun takes the trials of their child and makes it all about them???? A shit one

You don't have to forgive her because it was a horrible thing to say, but only you can really judge whether it could have been a clumsy and ill-considered blurt out of terror that you'd act on your thoughts and the baby is the only thing that would stop you.

If her own mental health isn't stable she's even less likely to bite her tongue about the four attempts you yourself say it took to leave. She should, but she's clearly not always going to be capable of the self restraint necessary not to say unhelpful things.

It all depends whether you believe that her "heart is in the right place" - if you do, perhaps give her a chance to apologise. Especially as pragmatically it will be helpful to have her support.

If you choose to give her a chance to apologise it would be the ideal time to set clear mutual understanding about your boundaries and what she really doesn't get to say to you if she wants your relationship to continue etc.

If my daughter was in an abusive relationship and kept going back to him, if be absolutely distraught and scared for her. The helplessness would be agonising. I can't even imagine.
And if your mum struggles with mental ill-health, it must have been even harder.

You've done a really brave thing in leaving for good, but while you know that you won't go back, she's seen this before and won't be reassured. Then to hear you talk about social ideation would have freaked her out. When people are stressed and worried, and have just heard something that terrifies them, they're rarely their best selves.

I think you need to let that comment go. You and your mum are close. You need her. She made a mistake, but you clearly made mistakes too. Don't freeze her out.

Mentioning suicidal thoughts to family members puts them under a huge amount of pressure. In some circumstances it can even feel attacking and controlling (though of course I can understand the desire to offload these thoughts). In general, I think it is better not to offload suicidal thoughts to people very close to you unless you feel a need for them to take action to keep you safe (driving you to A&E or some such).

I expect your mum was feeling frightened, panicky, desperate and sad, perhaps even angry. Of course it wasn't an appropriate thing for her to say, but you mention her own poor mental health and you mention that she has talked with you through several episodes of you trying to leave. She's not a mental health professional or a DV specialist; it is ok for her to be human and vulnerable under the pressure of events

I would try to move past this. It sounds like, while you can use your mum for the ordinary kinds of support that pregnant women need from families, she isn't the best person for you to talk with about leaving your partner, or about your mental health.

The mum hasn't made it all about her. She made one ill-advised comment.

I dont know OP, could be a clumsy comment from a place of care. I also appreciate the MH aspect. However something attracted you to the abusive relationship(s). What was growing up like?

I agree.

I think this is a very good answer.

What your mum said wasn’t ok at all and it’s ok to want some space.

Please speak to your midwife and hopefully she can signpost you to some support.

Your mum might have felt scared to potentially lose you and the baby and made a bad comment. I can understand that you felt like there is no one in your corner to support you in the worst of times.

Talk to her about how it made you feel. If you were close to her before there will be a way forward in your relationship.

It depends what your past relationship with your mum is like. Has she always been shit? Or is she a mother who has watched her child abused, been powerless to stop that child repeatedly choosing to return to more abuse, then had the shock of her saying she wanted to kill herself and the grandbaby along with her?

Whatever you do, don't use this as an excuse to go back to that piece of shit. For your childs sake.