Rekindling old friendships after drifting apart?

[Greatbigpuffa]

Have you ever rekindled a friendship? Was it worth it?

Background story: a friend and I were quite close for a number of years, we both went through prolonged periods of very difficult situations (think infertility, cancer, bereavement). Despite moving overseas we stayed in very close touch, perhaps even too close, and relied heavily on each other through thick and thin. However, there came a time when things started to clear for me and our relationship became very one sided, and it felt like I could no longer be the source of support I had been for so many years. We sort of drifted/ghosted/slow faded, eventually dropping to just a birthday text and nothing more, and this past year even stopped that altogether.

Recently, a mutual friend died and she reached out to offer her condolences. Honestly I was happy to hear from her and thought it might be nice to chat and clear the air a bit. (I know from another mutual friend that she’s in a much better place now). I don’t know what I would expect, maybe we could discuss our friendship and I could apologise for not being able to help her more. Or maybe it’s just a waste of time?

Personally I wouldn't. In my view you can never recapture the context of the friendship that went before, so you're always feeling like it can never be the same. I'd be seriously considering the reason why you feel the need to step back into a relationship that had already faded and dropped away.

Much better to move forward in life than try to recapture something that will never be the same. IMO.

I don’t know what I would expect, maybe we could discuss our friendship and I could apologise for not being able to help her more.

whatever you do, don't apologise for anything, why would you? You didn't do anything wrong, and didn't you do all the supporting before anyway, it was all very one sided wasn't it?

An old schoolfriend (basically my “bestie”) and I drifted apart over 20 years ago-no fallout or anything, just living 60 miles apart and small kids with life throwing us both curveballs.
We “found” each other again 3 years ago via a mutual interest and are as close as we ever were -life’s a bit more straightforward for us both so we have more time for each other and it’s fabulous!

Does it need the deep introspective chat about what went wrong? Contact has now been made. Make some form of light contact again and let any renewed friendship unfold naturally rather than trying to force your way back to closeness you once had.

If you are still in different countries and don't see one other in real life it will likely be the same challenge to maintain a long distance relationship. It sounds like when you were both leaning on one another for support you made regular contact for that reason but when that wasn't needed the friendship tailed off as it was harder to manufacture a close relationship.

I have friends who moved abroad or live in different parts of the country and they sre rally just acquaintances now. It's different than keeping up with your parents or a siblings long distance. With family there's a different kind of bond.

If I’m reading correctly it sounds like things got better for you, and then you didnt want to continue to support her while she was still going through a bad time. If that’s the case then she might not want to rekindle?

Yes I certainly would meet up. Life is for living and you won’t get the old friendship back - but you will get a new friendship.

Let go of past friendships and look forward, welcoming new relationships.

I think everything has its time and your friendship faded for a reason.

You could let it unfold and see where it goes, but I would expect any rekindled friendship to eventually develop the same issues as the original one.

Only open it up if you are happy for the pattern to repeat.

Yes. A friend I met in our first jobs. Her kids were my attendants at my wedding, but it had started to drift by then - she had moved out to the country and I just didn’t fit in with her new set of friends. Always a bit flakey she just started cancelling any planned meet ups and it was always me going to her rather than vice versa. Anyhoo time (years) passes and her DH reached out but I can’t remember if I responded or not. Then she called me out of the blue and said her whole family (her, husband and now adult kids) were going to visit me (I had now moved out of the city myself). We didn’t go over what had made the relationship fail before.
Now I see her a couple times a year, of course it’s not on the same basis as before as life has moved on and we are different people now, but the chat is as easy as before. I probably could put more effort into seeing her - she definitely contacts me more than I do her, but a combination of laziness and complacency (we are in our 60s now) sort of stops me. It’s nice she’s back in my life, but we certainly do not have the same closeness (I’m back in the city so we meet halfway, though she has been here and I have been to her house within the last year).

thank you for the thiughtful replies so far; some good food for thought here.

@ThursdayNext1 its a bit more complicated but I suppose in a way you’re correct. My infertility ended and I became a mum to a healthy baby, she went through a massive breakup and never had children. I was there during the breakups and moving cross-country but as my life revolved more and more around being a mum, i was more present for my DC and was less free to, say, FaceTime for four hours in the middle of the night. She did find a good therapist and a new relationship but by then her feelings had been hurt by my unavailability.

Aw, I would welcome her friendship and start afresh, especially if you were happy to hear from her. It’s sounds as though you’ve both missed each other.

I would meet up, but I think most of us grow out of those ride or die friendships where there are four hour calls in the middle of the night.
I'm in my fifties and have plenty of friends, but I can't say I have ever called one in a crisis.
Why don't you meet up, catch up with each other's news and see where it leads?

Gosh @Greatbigpuffa she was very unreasonable not being sensitive to your new context (possibly felt hurt because she didn't have a baby and you did, but anyway) and expecting you to be available in the middle of the night. Wow!

Sounds like you escaped from a very demanding and self-centred friend there I'm afraid.

I did. We'd drifted apart from around 30 to almost 50. I sent her a 50th birthday card and letter to her mother's address which hadn't changed. Old friend rang within a couple of days. We picked up where we left off and it's absolutely wonderful having her in my life again.

I had a very close friend who couldn't be happy about my pregnancy because she had fertility struggles herself (she actually wrote this in a card). In turn I struggled because she had a child already and I couldn't understand why she couldn't be happy about mine. We didn't fall out but were Christmas card only contact for a few years - I think we both realised that we weren't able to give the other the support we needed at that point in our lives. Some years later we had a lovely long chat and now exchange messages every so often. We aren't as close as we once were, but I wouldn't think twice about getting in touch with her, unlike a few years ago.