How do you cope when friends are pregnant after miscarriage?

[ADHDS]

I have an 18-month-old, and I’ve always wanted my children to be close in age — for me, the closer the better. My husband wanted to wait a little longer than I did, so we compromised and waited.

Last September, I got pregnant, but sadly it ended in a miscarriage, my second one. After that, my husband felt strongly that we should wait until January before trying again, because he thought it would be best for me physically and emotionally. I told him I didn’t want to wait, but also that I wouldn’t force the issue.

We’ve been trying again since January. I’m doing everything I can — taking vitamins, eating well, tracking things — but I’m still not pregnant. I know it’s still early days, but I’m finding it really hard.

Out of around eight close friends, six have either had babies or are pregnant again since we were all originally pregnant around the same time. In the last month alone, I’ve found out that three of them are pregnant. One of them is my best friend, and we’re due to go away with her family and mine in two weeks. I’ve just started my period and I’m feeling really low.

I’m genuinely happy for my friends and I want to support them, but behind closed doors I just want to cry. My husband is being as supportive as he can be, but he doesn’t seem to feel it as emotionally as I do.

I’m also struggling with resentment, because part of me keeps thinking maybe I would be pregnant by now if we hadn’t taken that break. I know that might not be fair, but it’s how I’m feeling at the moment.

Recently, one of the girls told me she was pregnant during a park date. She didn’t know I’d had a miscarriage, so of course she hadn’t done anything wrong, but I wanted to cry and had to hold it together. It ended up putting a cloud over what should have been a nice day out.

Has anyone else been through this? How do you cope with feeling happy for others while also feeling heartbroken for yourself?

Sending some hugs. Its a really hard place to be when it feel like everyone is pregnant and so easily and you are struggling both physically and emotionally.

My only advice, separate the two. You can feel happy for your friends but also sad its not you but don't let the sadness and resentment over take enjoying those times with especially your best friend.
I had a still birth and 2 MMC in a year when all of my friends were so easily having their second children. I just tried to embrace the happiness with friends so I was present and there for them. I didn't want to in a year or twos time be sad I missed that time with friends.

Thank you I’m watching my friends daughter today so she can go to the scan with her husband as I didn’t want her to go alone I’m definitely very happy for my friends and not letting it affect our relationships. Just having to put on a brave face and have a little cry when I’m alone x

You have my sympathy too, it’s really hard and I speak from experience. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of keeping the two things separate. You’re literally actively supporting your friend. I don’t know that I have advice but it’s so so so normal, millions of women have been in our shoes of wanting a baby and watching women all around us get pregnant. For some women it’s easy but we are not unusual for it not going so smoothly. And some of your friends may have had a few bumps in the road too. Or they’re having a tricky time for other reasons. You’re 100% entitled to feel grumpy, angry, envious, heartbroken or anything else behind closed doors and I’d encourage you to share that with your partner so you’re not keeping it secret as such. All the best to you and fingers crossed you have a smooth pregnancy very soon.

Do your close friends know you’ve had a miscarriage and been struggling? I think if you’re comfortable to share your struggles then they’ll know to be more supportive and tactful in what they share with you.

For example, my best friend had a miscarriage and told me when I was around 6 weeks pregnant and hadn’t yet told her. This then meant that I then held off until after 12 weeks and I told her via text rather than in person so she didn’t have to fake any emotions. I’d also not talk about it as much as I would or say anything thoughtless like joke about how this third baby was a happy accident if you see what I mean like I might with someone who I know isn’t trying for a child!

She is now pregnant again and made it to the 12 week scan 🙏🏼❤️ fingers crossed for you.

Some friends knew some didn’t I definitely sharing with my husband although I don’t think he feels what I’m feeling so is struggling to understand as he’s very laid back and thinks it will happen when it happens.

I think you just have to accept that you might feel sad. If you've been trying since Jan, is that three months? It might feel like a long time but 5
thats no indication there's anything wrong. If it helps, remind yourself you don't know what these other couples have been through, how many months they've been trying or how many of them have had early losses.

I had losses at 39 weeks and 6 weeks within 12 months. It then took us over a year to get pregnant again. I know what it's like to find that news hard or think it's never going to happen for you but try to stay positive.

I'm sorry for your loss.
It can be very difficult when others breeze through conception and pregnancy and you don't. I lost all 3 pregnancies and have no living children- and never will. I watched friends my age then younger cousins all having babies. A few also had MC's, but everyone else has at least 1 living child. I'm the only person in my friendship circle and office that has no children and it can be lonely sometimes.

You might benefit from some counselling. This site has lots of info plus a helpline. https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19732812870&gbraid=0AAAAADpiWuUFJY1q03jDAEcHeMi-O12mB&gclid=Cj0KCQjwkrzPBhCqARIsAJN460nTThlQWnSk9SKQBBV2aGziDOg-O-OcUIcWDC7XnsRfWpcm2CDMYu0aAmKREALw_wcB

Don't forget that your DH is grieving too. Depending how old you are waiting a month or 2 isn't the end of the world. I'd focus on your toddler and DH. You could read 'It start with an egg' which has some helpful advice on things which might help. xxx

@7238SM I'm sorry for all you've been through 💐

It's very hard, and harder still if you don't have any children earthside. You've had some good advice here. Since January is really not long so I would not be worrying right now, you've got pregnant before so you have every chance it'll happen and continue again. Don't fixate on the age gap, it really doesn't matter. Other people getting pregnant doesn't mean you won't, and you don't always know what they've been through to get there.

Sorry we where trying last year and got pregnant but ended in a miscarriage