ED recovery, food noise, weight gain, HELL

[LittlestMouse]

TW for ED behaviours

Theres no point to this thread other than for me to rant.

In the last 9 months, ive gained a stone. I know that doesnt seem like a huge amount to some, and im still a healthy bmi, but i feel awful.

Ive had disordered eating since 16, im 29 now. The bulk of that time ive had bulimia, so im used to eating huge amounts of food with few consequences. Im currently 13kg heavier than my lowest weight and im so uncomfortable in my own skin.

My jeans dont fit. I reject intamacy with my husband. I just want to cut all the fat off because I CANT STOP EATING. When i try to stop the b/p cycle, i seem incapable of eating less than 2000 calories a day. I just cant do it. Food is on my mind 24/7 and my whole life feels like distracting myself until my next meal. Im such a pig i just dont seem to be able to not eat. I used to eat 1500 cals a day pre-bulimia and now i cant even do that for one day!! I am stuck b/p'ing because its the only way i can keep things in check

Ive been on a waiting list for 2.5 years for treatment, with no idea of how long ive got left to wait. I am trying to reduce the purging because my body wont take this forever. My doctor told me im putting myself at risk for oesophageal cancer. And my weight goes up up up.

Im so SICK of this (pardon the pun). I just want my old body back.

Sorry, rant over.

That sounds awful! Would it be an option for you to seek private treatment given the length of the NHS waiting list?

Eating disorders are terrible and completely warp your sense of reality and how you view yourself. It’s difficult to give any advice as really you need trained support. Can you follow up on the referral?

You’re obsessing about food because you’re restricting, op. ED treatment would use a meal plan of 2000 calories and no less, with 3 meals and 3 snacks, and 1/3 carbohydrates at each meal.

Weight loss and recovery are not compatible goals.

Do you have access to ED treatment? The book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn explains things well

Have you looked at any of the ED recovery books? Tabitha Farrahs book on rewiring the brain are good.

You need to eat regular meals and snacks.

You also need to work on loving and accepting yourself, just as you are. Look at yourself in the mirror and be kind and loving of what you see.