Grey divorce when one partner retires

[whatisforteamum]

So for a few years we ve had separate lives.My job took me out of the house 13 hours a day and I worked unsociable hours.
The last few I've been here every week day night and every other weekend.
The other half is older and due to retire next month.
All he does is watch tv or lie in bed.
Don't get me wrong I'm very active physically but need time to chill but I think he is depressed.
We've spoken but he gets defensive.I often organize anything we do including seeing adult dcs.
I feel like I'm dragging someone along for the ride or I just leave him behind.
We ve been on holiday and he seemed ok and made an effort now he is resorting to tv indoors while the sun shines.
Got me thinking how unattractive it will be when he stops working.
Is it common for couples to divorce when one stops working and the other is still active.

My DH retired early due to ill health, anxiety brought on by a stressful job. Well, he found it stressful, others carry on. Anyway, he sleeps in until 10/11am every day while my body clock has me up any time after 5am, he drinks a bottle of wine every night but I don’t drink, and stays up late while I’m in bed by 10pm. We do nothing together, he never suggests anything, and if I’m going anywhere I go in the morning and have a coffee out. He does no cleaning, no DIY, just mows the lawn in summer and cooks tea a couple of nights a week. We are house mates. I really wish he’d say he’s leaving as I don’t want to lose my house.

I don’t know op, there’s a difference between depression and wants to do nothing- if it is the first then I think it’s sad if ye don’t talk it out and try something to make things better. Saying that myself and dh have gone through depression and I always said if it was because of me then we had to break up, because I can’t pull him out of it and vice versa (we decided to try to figure out how to ‘get happy’- saying that are only in 40s). Big annoying question- do you love him, would you miss him, would dating him, doing stuff together make you happy?

I totally get it. My DH was depressed and it was 3 years of me and other family members pleading with him before he eventually went to the GP.

I think it was only when I went out with friends and broke down and told them how bad things were before he realised I was in my way out.

I would try and talk to him somewhere neutral, if you can get him out, and ask him what his plans are for retirement. If he thinks it’s more of the same, I’d think seriously about a divorce.

Seems unfair to criticise what he does when you have had a full on / antisocial hours job for years so haven’t been around much and are still away every other weekend (working?)

If you no longer love him, want to be married, plan to break up.

If you’re unsure and it depends on some things, communicate and perhaps get couple’s counselling.

If you’re concerned about his mental health, communicate about that too.

Just wanted to add that if you do end up divorcing don’t be surprised if he suddenly starts to do all of the things he refuses to do now. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

Like the PP said though, couples counselling maybe a good call?

Retirement is a transition time in a relationship and can be tricky to navigate. I agree with pp that couples counselling would be a good idea. You can both have the opportunity to talk through your wishes and fears for the future in a non confrontational way.

I guess my question here is what would be the benefit of divorcing ?

It doesn’t sound like he is stopping you being more active and doing what you want to do, seeing adult children, travelling etc.

Do you feel strongly that you want to be single, date again etc? Or could you just continue living separate lives after retirement too?

Hopefully you've got a long retirement in front of you, do you think you want to spend it with your DH if he doesn't change?
I bought my house 20 years ago and my neighbours had just retired. No health issues and finacially comfortable. The DH didn't prepare for his retirement at all, he has no friends, no hobbies or interests. For the past 20 years he has read the paper, completed the crossword and watched TV. He is now housebound with multiple health issues. His DW is still active, she does a lot for the community, has friends and exercises. I respect her so much, she does everything for her DH but her resentment is palpable. I don't think for one moment that she saw her retirement as it is now. She does everything for her husband but often comments that she needs time away from him as she will go mad otherwise.
This could be you in 20 years time.

My husband is the same. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. I have suggested he retires early ( he's 53) due to ill health because the rollercoaster of him getting a job, quitting because it's 'too hard' and getting a new job is just making my life hell. I hope, if we split up he does do all the things I want him to do because I feel all I am doing is enabling his behaviour. Once my kids have left home then I don't care about losing my house either. I just want my own space and somewhere my kids can come home to without wondering what mood Dad is going to be in. He's not violent just miserable.

Fluffyholeysocks I can really see this as a possibility.
I know marriage is helping each other were almost 40 years together.
He has several minor health issues he refused to deal with.
I went through menopause and got supplements,hrt, exercises and advice via the internet.
I feel he will just stop completely when the retirement date comes as he isn't self motivated.

I think if he’s ill he needs to see a dr. Myself if I was even thinking of divorce, I would want my partner healthy first.

What does he think he'll do with himself in retirement?

How much older? he could just be knackered from working.

My DH retired just over a year ago, he has the time to do stuff now so if anything with the headspace as well he is doing a lot and there is less sitting on the sofa watching tv. It is a big transitory period, maybe ask him what his plans are.

Yes, what are his plans for retirement? He must want to do something with his time?
My DH recently went on a 'preparing for retirement seminar' as he is about to retire. The person leading the seminar said that the people/ex colleagues you need to be most concerned about are the ones when asked about their plans say they want to do absolutely nothing for 3/6/12 months. Those are the people that will struggle with the transition and loss of structure that retirement brings to their days.

I’m the same @whatisforteamum. I’ve had a few issues but I’m always highly motivated to sort them out.

DH has sought help for his depression although the problems with that haven’t fully abated. He’s now regularly complaining of a bad back and keeps needing to lie down. Won’t seek help and won’t listen when people tell him that lying down is the worst thing to do. So frustrated here.

Someone mentioned you could be his carer in 20 years. It could be sooner. DFriends of my DM are in that exact situation 10 years after retirement. She has a painful condition herself but is now caring for him whilst he does nothing to help himself and refusers outside help.

@TinyMouseTheatre do you think your DH is more stable now? Has it got better? This is now my 3rd time round of this in 2 years. Even if my DH changes his meds and takes early retirement the rest of it, I think I would just be waiting for another thing to happen all the time. I can't relax.

He does do things now to help his MH which is a huge improvement over how he was before. I’m just worrying that the back pain is the new excuse to be absent and lie down.

I did talk to him the other night though and tell him how I was feeling frustrated with him not seeking help for the back pain and he has hardly mentioned it since. That doesn’t mean it won’t crop up again soon though.

Tinymousetheatre
Sorry to read your post.I feel like now is our time to enjoy our lives while we have good health as both parents got advanced cancer.DMs is an ovarian type and she was only 4 years old than me now.
I do despair at these older men who just let issues build up.
Dh has had a major heart attack over 10 years ago.Hearing loss and hates wearing the aids.
Post nasal drip acid reflux all bits he could improve but only does if nagged.
I'm trying my best to be as health conscious as possible.

@whatisforteamum It sounds like we're married to the same person! My DH also has hearing loss and reflux which means he can't sleep, which then means he's depressed. He is very overweight but just will not do anything about it, even though I do all the food shopping and cooking so he has healthy home cooked meals, he doesn't have to think about anything but his portion sizes and snacking yet won't do a thing. He hasn't had a heart attack but has high blood pressure and high cholesterol-again diet and weight related.