How can I seem more confident and be taken seriously?

[charactershoes]

I’m 39 and possibly going through a mid life crisis 😅

I feel like when I meet new people they think I’m so bland and vanilla. I’m quiet when people meet me and soft spoken and come across very unsure. I apologise way too much. People often interrupt me or talk over me.

I know I’m intelligent but I always feel like people are a bit surprised when I make a good point in a meeting or conversation.

I have done amateur theatre over the years and actually get given good roles and feedback but people always say the same thing - wow, we weren’t expecting that when you walked in to audition.

How do I gain more confidence and get people to take me seriously? Am I a lost cause at this point in my life?

Fake it till you make it.

That said, I'd rather adjust my first impression of someone from being a bit quiet and shy to just shrewd and clever and not wasting words, than have to put up with someone who is bolshy in conversations and steamrolls them to get their point across. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and people clearly get the measure fast enough anyway.

Thank you. You do make a good point. I feel the same way - would much rather meet someone a bit understated than someone really bolshy and overconfident.

I just think I’m a bit too invisible though. Like sometimes I see candid photos or videos of myself at an event and I just think wow, the way I’m standing makes me look like I’m trying to apologise for existing 🤦‍♀️

l don’t think it’s confidence you are lacking as you do what you want to do without much angst. I think maybe you need to hone more assertiveness which is slightly different to confidence.

You mentioned how you were standing in a photograph. Try practicing standing taller with squared shoulders, walking more purposefully. It sounds daft but getting into those habits can make us feel more assertive. We certainly look more assertive and that is the impression people will get. They will have a different expectation of you before a conversation even begins so will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say. There will still be people who talk over you but that’s their problem - they are rude and probably not worth your time

l don’t think it’s confidence you are lacking as you do what you want to do without much angst. I think maybe you need to hone more assertiveness which is slightly different to confidence.

@Lurkingandlearning that’s such a good point and I think you’re exactly right.

It doesn’t stop me taking opportunities and I can bring confidence when I need it (for example I’m actually quite good at job interviews) but day to day I just feel so underestimated because I come across so unsure and well…maybe a bit boring 😂

Do you think that confident people are frightening or in some way off-putting?

You say you’d rather meet someone understated than ‘bolshy and overconfident’, which sounds as if you have negative associations with confidence. Was that how you were brought up? My mother absolutely hates confident women, and brought up me and my sisters to think confidence was unattractive, to be shy and smiley and apologetic. Fortunately, we realised as young adults that this was utter nonsense, and discarded that particular script. As you’re finding, it’s no way to live.

Oh yes, that’s definitely how I was brought up. I love my parents but I do have complex feelings about my upbringing. They definitely didn’t encourage having opinions or being assertive.

I’m pretty sure that’s the root cause of it, but I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life.

It sounds like you're a good actress? So how about studying the sort of person you want to come across as and then experiment with acting that part? Fake it until you make it. It will become second nature.

Also, think about your appearance. A lot of people's perceptions are sadly based on appearance. Are you wearing well fitting clothes including a good bra? Are you well groomed? Might you find that you feel like more of a presence if you were to embrace some pieces of brighter clothing perhaps? I feel most confident at work in bright patterned dresses despite never wearing them in my personal life. Think about what clothes portray a particular image. E.g. avoid librarian type cardigans.

OK, it’s great that you have that insight. I think you need to work on unpicking that gendered script about female confidence being a bad thing. See it as the sexist nonsense it is. Think of other things you were brought up to believe that you’ve since realised weren’t true.

Note your feelines next time you’re around a confident woman — if they’re negative, slow them right down and ask yourself what or who is really talking in your head here. Is it your mother whispering ‘No one likes a confident girl — be all shy and sweet, that what nice girls are like’?

Imagine not making people dig past your nothing-y facade to see the real you. Imagine people seeing you as forceful and impressive from the moment they meet you, rather than thinking ‘She’s so magnolia paint’.

Take it as a project for a week to stop apologising unnecessarily. Keep an elastic band on your wrist. Ping it every time you get the impulse to apologise. Set a phone alarm to vibrate periodically and when it does, check your posture.

I think the acting thing is a great suggestion. You’re playing someone who is utterly sure of herself, OP — the tough, mouthy cop with steel nerves, the warrior queen at the head of her victorious army, Ruth Bader Ginsburg addressing the Supreme Court, Toni Morrison accepting her Nobel Prize. What does her breathing do, how are her shoulders held, what are her hands doing?

Firstly good on you for doing the amateur theatre . That in itself is a big achievement.

I often feel the same. Like I'm literally not listened to by many people ! I'll read this threads for ideas.

On my appearance - yes, definitely well groomed and well fitting clothes. I think a lot (too much probably) about clothes etc. I actually get compliments about my clothes quite often. But everything is very very tasteful and safe, for sure, and probably more “classic” than on trend.

You can act. So act.

Immerse yourself in playing the role of a confident, assertive woman. Your handbag is a prop, and your clothes & shoes are your costume. You don't have to talk a lot, in fact confident people often just stand back and allow other people to chat nineteen to the dozen. Be in character.

And stop apologising for your existence all the time. 😁

Have a look at Amy Cuddy’s YouTube Ted talk- brilliant

Drop your vocal pitch a bit, and slow down your speech. Plus the postural points mentioned earlier.

I have one specific suggestion. Make sure you are not starting sentences with "I think" where it's not appropriate to do so because you are stating a fact which you know to be true. Starting a sentence with "I think" is fine if you genuinely want to convey the fact that you're not sure, eg "I think Sarah's on holiday" when you're pretty sure Sarah's on holiday, but you're not 100% certain. But if you say, "I think we submitted the documents on Thursday" when actually you know as a fact that the documents were submitted on Thursday, Thursday was an important deadline and it was your job to submit the documents, then prefacing your statement with "I think" makes you look less confident and less competent. It may be that you don't do this, but if you do, it's worth making a conscious effort to get out of the habit.

This was amazing, thank you for the recommendation. Lots to think about here.

Oh I am so guilty of this! Thank you. I’m going to set myself a target of not doing this for the next week.

If you can bear it, or try with a friend, practice sounding more confident etc and record your voice/ film if you get braver. How we sound in our heads is not what comes out!

I took my eldest to a birthday party this afternoon and tried exactly this. And you know what? It actually went really well. Every time I started trying to cross my arms and make my presence smaller I stopped myself.

It’s going to take a long time and probably a lot of effort to break the habit of a lifetime but I really want to do it.

I’ve had this a couple of times when I’ve heard myself on recordings of teams calls etc.

My voice is pleasant to listen to but it’s quieter than others and less assertive. I sort of knew this already but it’s really noticeable.

That is so lovely to hear, well done.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step.🙂

Glad to hear that went well. As another poster has said, lots of little steps in the right direction can add up to significant progress. And don't beat yourself up if there are some occasions when you slip back into unconfident behaviour. Just keep making lots of little changes so that the direction of travel is right.