Late teens son ostracised from friendship group - what to do?

[JandLandG]

So, my late teens son massively enjoyed school, had a great group of friends and did well in exams.

However... a few months ago, he had a falling out over an incident - the details of which are unclear/disputed/contested (which seems to have mainly been raised bc of displaced issues for the other party).

So...he backed off (somewhat against my advice) and hoped things would cool down. They haven't and he's still being excluded by people who were previously good friends.

Understandably, this is eating him up.

Fortunately he has other groups of friends, but...

Now he's talking about wanting some form of talking therapy to resolve his own internal issues and anguish so he can "move on."

What do we make of this?

I'm not against it, but I think he perhaps should have been more assertive at the time and stood his ground/explained the realities to people. (Arguments, disagreements and misunderstanding happen, I think he should have clarified his position more at the time and said so, but he's not sure about revisiting the whole thing after this time delay).

So, two things:

What kind of therapy might help/be appropriate? Anyone with any knowledge and experience?

What can we do now, prior to that?

Any thoughts/experience would be welcomed

Firstly, congratulations to your ds for voicing that he would like to speak to someone about how he has been feeling. That’s a huge step, especially for a young man. So many young men bottle up their emotions until disaster strikes.

Realistically, you are looking at booking some sessions with a private counsellor. Or with someone through his school/college etc. Definitely focus on finding someone who has experience of working with young people.

Perhaps start with teencounselling.com

I've posted about this before OP but a similar thing happened to my DS in year 10.

I'm also not clear on the details but there was a girl involved and his entire friend group ditched him.

He found a new group in year 11 but this was more out of need than anything else.

The long and the short of it is that while he moved on, it has clearly affected him two years down the line. He has a lovely girlfriend and is now friends again with his best mate but it was a truly awful few months for him and us.

He did ask recently if he could talk to a counsellor and had his first session last week.

OP, if your DS is asking for help, you must listen. I wish I'd looked into talking therapy two years ago instead of listening to others who said it would build his resilience.

Whatever you do @JandLandGdon’t ignore this. Your ds is asking for help and often these are a one-time ask kind of thing. Keep him close.

Definitely get him help , if he said he had a physical problem then you'd take him to the doctor wouldn't you? I'd have a google for a registered therapist who specialises in teens .
Also , don't tell him what he should have done, there's many an adult who wishes they'd handled a situation differently after the event.

He wants therapy, get him therapy. If he could also benefit from assertiveness training, find out about that. Assertiveness in teenagers is fraught, having taught communication skills to this age group.

Also, how long until he’s working, or university? Because he will make other friends!

This has happened to my teens - usually more acrimonious group splits - though DS was left entirely alone but quickly picked up by a much larger group which worked better for him.

DD2 is bitter from end of last year - her Y11 - and a very close friend turning on her and allinating one group of friends from her- same girl now trying to be nice again when seen a college. Though one of few friends who stayed with another group at school sixth form got ostracised start of Y12 and actually moved sixth form - though is happier now.

So from my kids freindship issues in Y10-11 seem very common but him asking for support means I'd be inclined to see it as something more and take it quite seriously TBH and get some help -- though no idea where to look.

Is he still in some form of education? There might be some support he can access through his institution, or at least signposting to appropriate help?