Could these traits point to autism, or am I overthinking it? ND mumsnetters please help 🙂

[Splatz]

Hello!

I wanted to ask if anyone who has been late diagnosed ND identifies with any of the following?

(Trigger warning SH)

I am 39 and a woman.

• shy child, extremely shy as a teen and in my early 20s (finishing uni and working in customer service roles helped with this)

• often bullied at school and called weird, people continued to call me a weirdo into my 20s actually. I don't know exactly why people called me weird, possibly something to do with not being into pop culture/fashion/not talking much.

• no relationship until 23(ish)... I did have sex a couple of times before this but hadn't kissed anyone before the age of 21

• very lonely through teens and early 20s until met ex partner. Inappropriate (purposefully unobtainable?!) intense crushes. Lived in a bit of a fantasy world for a long time

• no real interest in building a career (despite being bright and having 1st class degree). I still work in customer service. This is probably partly to do with lack of confidence/fear of failure

• anxiety. Periods of generalized anxiety where I'd vomit from stress.

• hives and eczema with no obvious causes (but probably stress-related)

• depression as a teen and again in early 30s after break up from controlling relationship.

• bad coping mechanisms as an adult - alcohol dependency, self harm, more crushes (I'm ok now, much more settled)

• not many friends. Not good at maintaining friendships over distance or through life changes. I'm not sure how interested I am in having friends. An uneasiness around what other people "expect" from me.

(I'm comfortable with my partner and kids and I'm happy to go out of my way to help other people, but I get nervous around the idea of being "trapped" and having to spend time with people I don't really want to see)

• I think people generally like me on a basic level as I'm friendly and harmless, I enjoy chatting to colleagues, other school mums etc. I'm supportive if someone tells me about a problem or something upsetting.

• I overthink/go over pretty much every social interaction in my head. I can get stuck in a loop of fantasy conversations in my mind, involuntary going over and over what I might say in certain scenarios.

• I tend to stand on the side of my feet, sit on my feet, sleep with my hands under me. I only noticed this recently, as DD is struggling at school and I was reading about sensory processing/needs

• I have short hair otherwise I obsessively play with it.

I just wondered, would I be daft to seek an autism assessment, or am I barking up the wrong tree? I wouldn't have considered myself to be ND, but I wonder if it would actually make a lot of sense!

I have a couple of relatives on one side with autism, a couple of cousins on my dad's side with ADHD.

Thank you!

Just to add, I think I've made myself sound cold. I'm affectionate with my family, I'm generous and I'm good with little children 🙂 just to add some balance.

What was your childhood like? To me a lot of this sounds like someone who is introverted (totally normal, being an introvert doesn’t make you ND) mixed with a bit of coping mechanisms related to trauma. Bullying alone can create trauma, but so can tricky home environments.

Sometimes we don’t even notice that what we experienced is tricky. It wasn’t until I went to therapy for something that happened as an adult and started describing what my family life was like and it became apparent from my therapist’s reaction that such things were not at all normal. I just sort of took them for granted that they were.

I had a very late diagnosis of autism OP and I can identify with quite a few of the things on your list.

You'll get a million and one people who will say you definitely aren't but no one here can really tell. I can relate to some of what you've posted and I'm diagnosed.

I would consider ADHD and autism especially with your family history. From your description i think you have traits of both. I think you lean more to autism but there is some overlap. Go to the GP and ask for a referral and right to choose.

I will add that I particularly identify with feeling trapped and having to be around people I don’t want to be around. I always have to have an escape plan. I always drive myself places or drive separately from Dh. It isn’t autism. It’s definitely a coping mechanism to not always having a lot of control over myself as a child.

A lot of what you describe is me. Extremely shy, used alcohol to cope as I got older, not really interested in friendships. I may or may not be autistic. To me it doesn’t matter. I’m just me and I have to deal with it and make peace with that. Glad to hear you’re in a better place now.

Same here.

Worth pursuing an assessment I’d say. What would a diagnosis do for you?

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I grew up with one anxious parent and one quite domineering parent. Nothing extreme, but I was definitely treading on eggshells lots of the time. No major incidents but probably not the healthiest of environments.

I had something of a breakdown when I was in the 6th form and skipped school for weeks, I scraped through my a'levels (had been predicted AAA). I hid in my room for the first year of uni and ate donuts because I didn't know how to go shopping and didn't want to cook in the shared kitchen. I really wasn't coping and wanted to drop out, I stayed and had to do some re-sits in my second year. At the end of my 1st year I read a book that really sparked my imagination and I suddenly "got" why I was there and what I wanted to focus on during my degree. My end results were very mixed, if I wasn't interested in a subject I found it hard to turn out good work, if I liked a subject I'd get very high marks.

I have this issue at work lots too. If it's a boring admin task I can barely bring myself to complete it, like entering my hours on a spreadsheet. I procrastinate minor tasks like emailing someone for a purchase order, like for several weeks thinking oh god I haven't emailed about the PO but I really don't want to, but get really fired up exploring new ideas. Especially if it's something creative.

@Pixiedust49 do you feel you can make peace with it?

@mindutopia that's interesting, thank you! Haha yes I make an agreement with myself around how long I "have" to stay, like I have to make it to 9.30pm at the work dinner or whatever it is. Easier now I have kids to find excuses. I think the bullying was traumatic and made it hard to trust people. It wasn't extreme (not physical) but it was every day for years. I think I also tended to think of myself as an "outsider" as a kind of coping mechanism too.

@RudolphTheReindeer I know 🙂 people can't diagnose me online... We suspect one of the DC might be ND which is what has brought this up for me. I guess either way I'd probably benefit from some therapy 😂

@HappyNooYear I think it would be a relief. Like I've always been a bit puzzled about who I am and how I fit in with other people, what my place is in the world. I think it would be empowering to know there's a reason why I've struggled with certain things and...and that it's ok to just be myself.

(Yes, yes I know it's ok to just be myself either way. It's hard to explain, maybe I don't know exactly what I mean by that)

Yep I totally get that OP. Perhaps try and get assessed for ADHD and or autism.

have you ever been around lots of people who are neurodivergent? When they are the majority it can be so freeing. And the neurotypical people stick out a mile. I love asking the NTs how they feel being in the minority. They just gwap when they realise that’s what it’s like EVERY SINGLE DAY for others who are usually in a minority.

it can be helpful to appreciate where one is coming from, in how you interpret things and deal with life.

I found anything I did to accommodate adhd traits drastically improved my life. I’m still learning 3 years after diagnosis.

I’m late diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I do identify with what you said, and it sounds like you have some autistic traits, but for me it’s much more than what you’ve said too. It’s possible to have autistic traits but not meet the diagnostic criteria and not be autistic, have you looked at the criteria to see if you fit it?

What you’ve posted could simply be introversion or anxiety.

Take the AQ50 test and see how you match with the actual traits/symptoms of ASD.

I suspect I am on the spectrum and share similar traits to you.

However I've never pursued a diagnosis because I don't feel it will make a blind bit of difference in my life. In my late 40s I started to feel comfortable in my own skin and accept I'm not very good at friendships. My husband is my best friend and I don't need anyone close beyond that. I have a few acquaintances among my hobbies and professional life, but not friends.
I'm self employed and get to choose the people I work with, I used to work in a corporate environment and after 17 years couldn't handle the stresses any more.

So I'm comfortable and content now, and a diagnosis won't help anything

AuDHD can be a bit confusing because the autistic traits and the ADHD traits clash or accentuate each other. I was in CEX today and I suddenly needed to know how their systems work so we had a deep dive into the complexities of their jobs. I think the guys behind the till quite liked explaining the intricacies of their tracking process but I think they were also a bit bemused that a customer was so interested! I can deep dive into most subjects and find something interesting about it though.

@BuffetTheDietSlayer AQ50, thank you. I will take a look. I did the cat-q test and scored over the threshold... But I agree that having certain traits doesn't necessarily add up to being ND.

I also appreciate it can be tempting to self-diagnose as ND to explain difficulties/differences such as poor self esteem, social anxiety. I wouldn't really have thought about it to be honest, but I've been doing some reading because of my child's situation, to try to help them/understand certain behaviours.

Sorry will look at the other replies when I'm on the way to work - can hear kids waking up.

I identify with a lot of what you wrote too! I've never considered that I might be autistic - it would be nice to have an actual reason why I had no friends growing up and why people just don't like me much, but I'm fairly sure I'm just an introvert with low self esteem. And probably a bit of a dickhead which is why people don't like me 😂
Even if I am ND I don't think a diagnosis would change anything now, apart from externalising the reason I'm unlikable - but even that wouldn't actually change how I experience life.

I recognise about 90% of what you say in myself. My conclusion about myself is that I have a lot of autistic traits but am not autistic. I think being a shy and sensitive child, what other people would brush off as insignificant is more likely to build trauma. And then you end up with unhelpful coping mechanisms, like the crushes, self-harm, alcohol.

No one can tell. Bring bullied through school could easily result in a lot of what you have described, including social anxiety. Most people would have social anxiety if bullying has been their daily experience during their formative years. It's easy to assume the bullies picked on you because of autism but not necessarily so.

Also please don't assume any of this is immutable. I used to rehash conversations because of a sort of hypervigilence , not wanting to upset anyone, feeling like I always needed to say the right thing, but find I no longer do it and just let it go. Being peri menopausal probably helps as my memory is no longer what it was. Joking aside, I can't even pinpoint when it stopped but it was years back and I just eventually found some healthier patterns of being.

I know only a trained clinician is qualified to assess whether I am ND, so I'm not expecting anyone to say oh yes OP you surely are. I'm curious to see if my experience chimed with women who have been late diagnosed ND, but I appreciate that there is more to autism than being "shy" or more to ADHD than being "disorganised".

I've downloaded the AQ50 and will go through it later... I was also thinking it might be interesting to keep a diary for a little while, to help me reflect on my thoughts.

Really, I ought to find a therapist because unlike those of you on the thread who have been able to accept themselves for who they are, I'm almost 40 and I am not at all comfortable or confident in my own skin. Perhaps peri would change that 🙂 but yes I do like the sound of healthier patterns of being @InsaneRise - did you begin with habits? Challenging your own thoughts? (If you remember)

@paint101 I do feel puzzled sometimes about how a not overly traumatic childhood could have created such a badly adjusted young person, but I guess years of low-level adversity can build up. I'm kind of uncomfortable with the idea of my parents having caused some damage somewhere along the way - i tend to keep a bit of a distance emotionally now - I'm not sure I'm ready to feel angry with them? Ought I be angry? It's hard to say, I don't think they intentionally caused harm and I know being a parent can be tricky

Edited to say apologies for the waffling!

I’m a bit older than you (mid-50s) and it’s only the last few years that it dawned on me that although my parents tried hard, they were emotionally negligent. They allowed my brother to bully me mercilessly, didn’t listen to my needs or wishes at all, and put way too much emphasis on exams. When I realised, I was angry, which seems ridiculous when you are 50. But I’d really never realised it before, it is so hard to be objective about your own upbringing. It took a while to come to terms with it, but now they are so elderly and I realise I will lose them in the next few years, and I know now none of it really matters, they loved me and tried their best.

But yes, I’d suggest some therapy to talk it through.

@paint101 It's uncomfortable having that grey area to speculate over isn't it, when your parents weren't purposefully neglectful but damaged you, all the same. Neither of my parents had an ideal upbringing, I would be curious to know how much they reflected on that and how much they tried to adjust their behaviour to avoid repeating patterns. I don't think my Dad would have had the emotional intelligence to do so. I'm unsure about my Mum. I'm glad you've come to terms with it, hopefully I will too - my kids are young at the moment and I wonder if I might regain sympathy for my parents once I have teens 🫣

I was bullied by a sibling too btw, for a while, so it meant there often wasn't any reprieve. I'd come home from school and get kicked and punched/sworn at. We shared a room. One time they went away on a residential school trip for 3 nights, it was such a relief and I was so much more relaxed, I can remember the tension going from my body.

One of the questions on the questionnaire is do you find it easy to learn how to play musical instruments ...yeah... potentially? I haven't had lessons in an instrument, but if I have a recorder or a piano or xylophone for example I can play them without needing to read music. As in, I intuitively know which keys to press. Simple stuff, like playing my toddler DDs favourite tunes on her xylophone for her - I can generally play the whole tune straight off once I've found the first and second note. I have a good memory for tunes/I'm good at finding similarities in tunes/music e.g. when watching films, I can guess what other films the composer has done the music for. DP will know all about the actors and directors and I'm generally terrible with names/knowing who people are and what else they've been in, but something in the score will catch my attention and I'll be able to name another film that the composer has done the score for. Like watching Silence of the Lambs and guessing the composer also did Lord of the Rings.