Toddler and baby - please tell me it gets easier?

[filio]

Struggling at the moment. We have a six month old and a nearly 3 year old and at the moment it seems impossible to keep them both happy.

Toddler is wonderful fun but needs a lot of interaction/stimulation. Refuses to do independent play - she needs us to be directly involved one whatever she's doing. She's also still quite tricky about potty training - a good nine months in she seems to have some sensory issues around it which means she still has accidents,

All of this means the baby often needs to be put down so the toddler can be seen to. But he is a true velcro baby, bless him, and really needs to be held to settle. I've tried the baby carrier but he's not keen. He's also going through a bad sleep patch where he either needs to contact nap in silence or go for a long pram walk, which isn't really feasible with a non-napping toddler.

So when I get to the end of a day like today I just feel horribly guilty. Baby has had three crappy 30 min naps so is inconsolable by bed. Toddler senses that I'm rushing bedtime a bit and starts acting up, which delays things more, to the point that we have both of them screaming.

I feel like things should get easier as DS gets bigger - once he can sit up and interact a bit more, for instance. But right now I just seem to be failing them all round - arghhh 😖 any words of wisdom?

No words of wisdom, but it’s really hard.. toddlers have no empathy. I remember holding a screaming baby while my 3 year old demanded that I immediately fix his complex train track that he had just accidentally knocked over for the 5th time 🤦🏻‍♀️

It does get easier. My eldest also seemed totally unable to play independently but youngest (now 2) is great at it.

Does the older one go to nursery? Mine continued to go to the childminder and then started pre-school when I was on mat leave.. made it much more manageable.

It’s so hard doing it solo! Is your baby calm anywhere? Can you take your kids to the park and roll the pram around the park while “chasing” the oldest? Can you walk around the block with your eldest hunting for sticks?flowers? Odd looking bricks in houses? Can you use the dreaded tv to allow you to contact nap?

This is exactly where I was not long ago. I felt horrible.. All day, everyday. Something changed at 8 months, the baby got it's own little personality and the toddler kind of forgot about life before the baby. They started to interact a bit. By the time baby was 12months the toddler didn't want to be without baby and had become very protective.

Up to that point was desperate.

The best thing I did was invest in a nice big playpen. It was some where safe for baby to be dropped quickly with lots of toys etc but it was so big that toddler felt included as she could play with the baby in there safely as floor was padded. They'd roll and crawl and interact in there. I'm not ashamed to say we could all be found napping together at times in it too lol.

Things are particularly tough now. They will of course get better. I think you need to try to focus on the nearly 3 year old being less demanding. It's incredibly difficult to do, I know that. I work with children that age and it always astounds me how more capable they are than the parents realise. When they start with me in preschool most can do pretty much everything without assistance within a few weeks (put shoes and coats on and off, wash hands, tidy up, clear away plates and cups etc). They learn to occupy themselves because we literally don't have the capacity to give them one to one time. I know it's a completely different environment and people and not the same thing.. but it is proof that she is capable of entertaining himself without your guidance and of taking care of much of her own needs. You could use timers where she must occupy herself for a short period and work upwards, incentives to get her to get her own drinks and snacks (if you prep in advance), doing tasks alone etc. She will resist and try to convince you that she can't do it but in the absence of additional needs I promise you that she can.

Really hard, I’ve got a 9 months old and a nearly 4 year old, so I was you not that long ago.

Honestly, as much as it kills me to say it (I loathed it when people said it to me) but getting outside and letting the baby nap in the pram, carrier and car is the easier option at least for the first 4 ish months.

Re getting the toddler to do more independent play, they definitely can do this at 3 but they probably want your attention, so don’t beat yourself up thinking you should have helped them with that skill prior to baby arriving, their just getting use to not being your only child, the independent play will start to happen.

Also, screen the people you take advice from I was shocked at how many of my friends who I thought had gone through what I was going through (managing a baby and a toddler on their own) hadn’t really done it, they would spew all this advice then I’d find out their toddler had been in childcare Mon - Fri or their partners had extended paternity leave or their mum came round everyday etc! I use to just nod along or says “sorry how many days do you do just you the toddler & baby” 😝

Today my 2yo and 4yo (2.5 years age gap) played outside together for about half an hour without me having to get involved once and no one cried 🙌. You’ll get there xx