Worried about my DPs becoming reliant on DS

[Waterrush]

My parents have both recently become very immobile. It's happened suddenly, previously they were sprightly 80yos who wouldn't let anything stop them.

They live nearby and were brilliant for me, and with DC when DC were young, and since.

DS2 suffered a major trauma at 18yo and hasn't really found his way in adulthood yet. He is working regularly, but casually, not quite FT hours. He's 22 now.

DPs are increasingly calling him for help around the house and garden. He goes willingly and it probably does him good too. Gets him out of the house, active and with some purpose. He's also getting some tuition on various DIY task etc. Its alsonhelping me a lot becuase if it wasn't him, it would probably be me.

Sometimes they give him some spending money as a thank you, which he appreciates, but doesn't expect.

I'm concerned that as they deteriorate further, they will become dependent on his help, and that having DS will mean they don't arranage more formal paid help, which could mean we need to do that later, when it would have been beneficial to have it in place now, so they can get used to the people etc.

I also worry that whilst short term it's good for DS, it could hold him back, if he's in no need of money from a "proper" job, and if he feels he has caring responsibilites so doesn't have the time to take on more or more structured work. That said, there's been no sign so far that he's ready to take that on.

Perhaps I'm worrying over nothing and DS2 worries me a lot generally, but would you be comfortable with this situation and if not, what would you do about it?

It’s more likely that they would refuse paid help, as do many do.

it’s possible they are also doing this to duppprt your DS and get him out of the house and doing things.

my dd had illness issues and it was amazing the number of things I needed help with. Now she’s up and on her own two feet I either pay someone or don’t do them (I don’t actually need to redecorate every room in my house)

It sounds like what is happening currently is working for everyone right now, so don't borrow trouble by trying to fix what isn't broken.

For your son finding his way - could he be encouraged to lean into the DIY / home help work he's currently doing for his grandparents? Could he do a course to improve whatever DIY skills he's learning from his grandparents and turn it into self employment? I'm suggesting self employment because it can be as much or as little as he can manage. It can start small alongside his current commitments. And if he learnt a trade/skill he has the potential to earn a good living from it. Would your DPs recommend him to their friends? Is there anything suitable for him via the Prince's trust to gain insight into self employment/basic bookkeeping/marketing etc

Re: formal care, do you mean to replace what your son is providing? If so then isn’t something that needs organising in advance, a gardener, handy man etc wouldn’t need to be introduced slowly to you parents, now if you are implying formal care as in personal hygiene, cooking, cleaning it doesn’t sound like this is what your son is doing so why is him providing his help stopping this being organised/introduced?

A “purpose” in life is good, so long as no one is being taken advantage of in the situation (and it sounds mutually beneficial) then I would leave it and discuss separately with your parents re types of care they made need in the future.

I worked on a trauma ward a few years ago and making sure the patients had purpose/goals/ambitions played a big part of recovery, from the outside you may see what your son is doing as holding him back or unambitious but to him it may feel full filling.

He's not doing personal care. They help each other with washing, to the extent that help is needed, but if they're going to stay in the house they're going to need much more regular help and they'll resisit that until it's completely unavoidable. DS's help means they can "manage"

He's doing some cleaning, gardening and geberal maintenance. Changing a broken light fitting, fixing a dodgy door handle, fitting new handrails to make some adaptations for their mobility issues etc. He was doing an apprenticeship when it all went wrong for him, so he has some skills and Dad supervises.

The trauma has made him into a recluse. He was never outgoing but he's really upset by the prospect of dealing with people now.

He's also lost the ability to manage himself. He can and will fix the door handle if Dad says can you come at 10:30. If Dad said could you come next week, he'd agree and mean it at the time, but somehow never find the time. Those two issues mean I don't think SE would work for him atm, but yes, this experience could help him with something like that longer term.

I get your concerns but sounds like there more positives than negatives to the situation

as for future needs it’s more likely to be more of the personal care type of thing that is a different thing altogether and will be done by carers

sorry if this is blunt but I’d worry about him becoming dependent on them getting a routine and dependency on them and there not going to be here forever or might have to go into care

Has he had mental health support for the trauma he suffered? He sounds like he still needs more help.

Isn't this just what family is supposed to be about - older people and younger people pulling together?

Your DS is working, has strong family relationships and is a caring person.

Obviously when it gets further down the track you may have to reassess, but gardening etc. is exactly what young people can offer older relatives.

Read your update: The trauma has made him into a recluse. He was never outgoing but he's really upset by the prospect of dealing with people now.

Get separate professional help for this alongside the family interactions.

This sounds good for him, is it possible it could lead into more of a career. My parents live where lots of elderly people are and there’s a young chap who’s a handyman for the area. He does very well and is constantly doing work - raking leaves, hanging pictures, putting together furniture etc.

But yes it also sounds like your son might need more support in general.

It's another part of a very testing situation. I really have tried, but he inisists he doesn't want/need it and no therapist will take on a patient who won't engage.

It's another concern of mine, that we're making it too easy for him, and if he needed to support himself fully etc, he'd have to get on with it, iyswim.

So 'we're making it too easy for him' is a very interesting statement.

What is easy about suffering a trauma so bad it has derailed his life?

You won't help him by making life harder, that has never, ever worked for trauma recovery. It's good he isn't drinking or acting out in other harmful ways. Genuine recovery from trauma is hard, very hard. Masking is what people often praise, but it is synthetic.

Have you considered getting therapeutic support for yourself to learn more about your responses and how to support him better?

There are some accessible trauma writers out there, you could start with 'The body keeps the score'.

I feel like this is good for your son and you should encourage it

Oh no it's not like that. Everyone around him has done all they can to support him and encourage him to get help, but it isn't helping. One of the many things I've worried about is that he's not helping himself because he doesn't need to. I'm definitely not about make things harder for him, but I worry that I should have done things differently.

People can try to help, but get it wrong because they push in the wrong direction.

Your comment It's another concern of mine, that we're making it too easy for him, and if he needed to support himself fully etc, he'd have to get on with it, iyswim is a red flag suggesting maybe greater trauma understanding might help you feel more comfortable. No point looking back, he is where he is.

Parents feelings about their children's distress are understandably very painful, so there's all that too. His GPs may be a peaceful escape for him, as he will feel your worry. Might be a welcome break for him to feel helpful.

Good luck with everything and do read some modern books about trauma recovery so you can feel more confident in supporting your son, very difficult experience all round.