How do separated parents organise children’s activities with 50/50 custody?

[CaribbeanChaos]

When sharing custody of your children 50/50 (one week with each parent) how do you organise activities?

Do you discuss options with the other parent before suggesting it to the child as the other parent will need to take them to the activity on their time too.

or

Do you sign the child up and then inform the other parent once done that they need to take the child to the activity every Thursday or whatever?

or

Do you organise your own activities on your own weeks and the child does each activity bilaterally?

The 1st option. We don't get along but we wouldn't sign DD up for anything weekly that involved the other one having to take her without their consent

When my DD was still doing her activity, I used to pick her up from her dad's when it was his week. He would have taken her, but he doesn't drive so I had to

I take it you're not in much of a talking about it in advance space with them?

You obviously need to discuss it in advance and agree to what you can both commit to.

Same as parents who are together. Dh and I are married, but I can’t just assume he’ll be available to collect dd from practice at 9pm every Tuesday when I am not.

My partner has been informed that his child will be attending a weekly club and he WILL be taking his child on his weeks.

It’s all very hard when there’s not a cooperative relationship (been there). It took me a long time and work on myself to be the bigger person and repeatedly overlook the other parent’s annoying behaviour.
Basically, in this scenario, if it is at all possible logistically, assuming the child wants to do / will benefit from the activity, I would accept or shall we say look past the being told and organise the doing. If it’s actually impossible that’s a different matter and does need saying.

Does the child want to do the club?

Threads like this always make me a bit sad.

DH and his ex made a commitment to live in the same area as each other til the SCs grew up. This meant that taking the children to hobbies / social activities etc was never an issue and whoever had them took them.

I think separated parents often make a rod for their own back by living hours apart from each other and then acting shocked when things like hobbies become logistically difficult. In many cases the kids just don't get to do weekly clubs and activities.

We to 5:2:2:5 split.
DD does one activity on mon or tue (Dads time), one activity on wed or thu (my time) and the inconvenience that is swimming lessons on a Friday so we take it in turns.
We split the combined cost of all activities regardless of whose day they fall on, and will discuss any new activities when DD wants to change (hopefully be dropping swimming lessons soon!).

The OP's partner can't live hours away if they're 50:50 I don't think?

If the kids wants to do the club what’s the problem?

It doesn’t say or suggest they live hours apart

You can lose lots of sleep about her attitude if you wish.

or he can be practical and decide if that works for him and either say ‘yes I can do that, please check with me first next time in case I can’t do it’
or ‘no I can’t make that work on my weeks- would you like to take her yourself on that day OR child won’t be able to attend on my weeks, please check in advance next time so we coordinate.’

if it’s an activity the child enjoys I’d do my best to take them though.

What's the issue? Why would/ does he object to taking the child to a club they presumably want to attend? You don't mention who is paying for the club either.

How does him taking his child to that activity affect you? Do you have shared children is that why?

I imagine it’s on principle she doesn’t want her DP/DH being bossed around by his ex and wants a say in the weekly schedule in her own home which maybe impacted by this activity.

This is why 50/50 is awful for children

option 1 obviously is the lesser evil of any of the options

The ex should have discussed it with your partner first, but your partner needs to be the bigger person here and take the child to the activity unless there's a good reason not to.

Gosh there are a lot of inaccurate assumptions here and I feel, possibly, comments from people who still like to control their exes and dictate to them.

We live in the same town. He’s paying for the clubs as he pays for every expense for his child. She will only pay for clothes for her house and the food the child eats at hers. Every other expense he covers (including things such a presents for birthday parties the child attends when on her time too). We’ve had to juggle things around our end to accommodate the club and will have to call upon grandparents some weeks when work commitments require one of us not to be around. The child doesn’t seem too interested in the club and another child said “mum only wants X to do X because her friends kids attend and the mums go over the road to the pub and she had fomo” .

For me, it’s the fact she is dictating what happens on our weeks, dictating our finances and didn’t even consult my partner before signing their child up.

I wanted to know how other 50/50 families did it.

I’ll also add that my partner does absolutely everything in his power to ensure all of his/our children have everything they want/need. He doesn’t do conflict and lets her get on with her games.

No, this is why 50/50 CAN be awful for children. Some people are able to co-parent like adults.

50/50 does not make a difference to the issue though.

My DC’s went to their DF every other weekend and still missed every other Friday evening at cubs and every other Saturday at football.

DF refused to be tied by the arrangements for hobbies (his attitude no different to if we had been together except that I would have been doing the dropping off and collecting).

As the father can't commit to taking the child AND the child isn't fussed about going, just do what suits the child best and can be accommodated.

Is it a team sport requiring commitment or is there a continuity issue for the child if they only attend on alternate weeks?

You likely got responses based on assumptions because your initial posts gave no indication of what the issue was. It was easy to interpret your post as a matter of principle about being dictated to, and wanting to push back, to the child's detriment.

This. We do this. And the 1st option is always how it works with new activities.

Well it would be good if dc can attend if they want to but no way he should pay for something that she has signed them up for. She pays or you don’t take them, give them the option and take them if they say they want to. Sounds fair on this particular situation. Also birthday presents in her time. How has he been roped into paying for this?

We are completely committed and will always find a way to make it work. However, We have multiple children who all attend clubs and we are out in all directions most evenings and at many times during the weekend.

I purposely didn’t put a lot of information in the original post as I’m genuinely looking to see how other 50/50 parents work things out.

I try not to let his ex bother me and usually don’t get involved but it’s becoming more problematic.