How do I get a man from my old gym to leave me alone?

[Poorlyadvised22]

I’ve ended up in a really odd situation and not sure what the best way to deal with it is.

I used to go to a gym where I knew a man casually for a few years. We’d chat in passing, nothing more. I wouldn’t consider us friends. I’m late 20s, he’s early 40s, married with two children. I’ve also been in a long-term relationship.

We both work in property, although in very different ways. Over time I noticed he became a bit too interested in me. He’d comment on when I wasn’t at the gym, notice changes to my routine, and seemed overly aware of what I was doing. At the same time, he’d go out of his way to avoid me if his wife was around, which I found strange.

I decided to just disengage and stopped talking to him at the gym. Instead of backing off, he seemed to double down trying to get my attention. It escalated when I found out he’d been asking people in our industry about me, looking me up on Companies House, and telling others not to trust me.

His wife has also apparently been telling people at the gym that I was “running around after him,” which is completely untrue and quite frankly bizarre.

To avoid any drama, I left that gym entirely over a year ago. I now go elsewhere and just keep my head down.

However, despite this, he is still asking people about me regularly. He tells people I’m a liar and questions my business, even though the people he’s speaking to are aware of my work and know what he’s saying isn’t accurate.

At this point it feels intrusive and slightly obsessive, and I’m concerned about the impact on my reputation as well as just wanting to be left alone.

I’ve had no contact with him for over a year and have gone out of my way to remove myself from the situation, but it hasn’t stopped.

What would you do in this situation? Ignore it and hope it dies out, or is there a point where you address it more formally?

I really don't know OP, but if it's affecting your professional reputation, I would seek professional legal advice. Can't help noticing that your user name suggests that you may have already done so but were not satisfied with the results?

My username is from an old thread. I did answer a solicitor as I use them frequently to purchase properties, they suggested suing for slander but that seems very extreme

I'd contact the police on the non emergency number and ask for advice.

It’s harassment really isn’t it.

Oh that’s a tricky one. It all sounds a bit stalkerish. Definitely don’t engage but keep a detailed log of events, plus jot down what you can recall about previous encounters.
Hopefully he’ll get bored and give up. Worst case scenario he doesn’t, you’ll have your notes as back up incase things escalate.
would it be worth discussing with a manager or HR? Then your concern has been brought to the attention of others, and again if he escalates it’s less of he said vs she said?

I really don’t know what else to suggest. Hopefully others can help you more. This must be quite concerning for you though. I hope it’s just a phase but he might be pissed off as you ghosted him (which I y is the best choice by far) 💐

Could you maybe arrange for a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter? That might make him realise that what he’s doing is moving into harassment territory.

It's not harassment per se (from a criminal perspective) and you'd struggle to prove it, but it is concerning. If you have an employer then I'd be inclined to make them aware of the situation ,particularly if he is bad mouthing you. Other than logging it and putting an intelligence report on (if you're lucky) the Police won't do much, although it possibly is worth logging. I'd also keep a diary of anything said, heard, who told you etc. In case things do escalate, and update the Police as appropriate.

I agree it sounds concerning so keep your wits about you and be aware of anything - appointments etc that don't feel right. Hopefully in time he'll get bored. My feeling is that any kind of 'preventative measure' i.e a request to leave you alone/harassment warning etc. would be met with fake outrage and possibly escalate the situation. Ask trusted people to keep you updated if they become aware of anything said about you.

From what I’ve been told by solicitor colleagues, slander is hard to prove and costly.

I’d do as pp says and get a cease and desist letter instead. Or report for harassment.

Let’s hope he gets bored.

This.

I'd also be more front footed about it in terms of work. Ie. Advise your HR and have it on record.

Thanks all, this has been really helpful.

Just to clarify a few things people have mentioned, going down an HR route isn’t really an option as he doesn’t work with me. I own my own businesses in property, and from what I can tell he does some form of HMO work under someone else, although he’s always implied to me that he owns it and has a lot of money, which in itself is a bit odd given all of this.

Since I left the gym I’ve been logging everything that’s been reported back to me, just in case it escalates further. I think my next step will be to log it with the police so there’s at least a record of the behaviour, even if it’s not deemed criminal at this stage.

I’m also considering speaking to a solicitor about a cease and desist letter to formally put a stop to it. The only slight issue is I don’t actually know where he lives, so I’d need to look at how best to serve that.

His wife also seems to be involved somewhere in all of this, which just makes it feel even more bizarre. It’s honestly a circus I don’t need.

At this point I just want it documented and to protect my reputation more than anything. It’s gone on far longer than it should have and feels quite intrusive now.

Me and my partner have a shared calendar so he always knows where I am and who am I with.

The whole thing started two years ago. Didn’t know men had that long of attention span tbh

Could you raise it with a professional body? Is there one for your field that he may be part of too?

In that case i'd log it with the police preventatively

"this is very uncomfortable for me but I need to make you aware as i am sending a cease and desist and worried for my safety. <give back story> I've really tried to ignore it but he seems to be escalating and i'm concerned so want to make you aware"

Two men who should have known much better began criticising me for something I had no control over. When it carried on I wrote a formal letter to the chair of the social club that we all belonged to spelling out the damage they were doing to my professional reputation. It ended very quickly. They had not considered the potential consequences of what they were saying.

Ignore it.
Addressing it formally will be expensive and there’s no guarantee it would stop. It also gives him something else to talk about which would almost certainly be twisted in attempt to make you look bad.
Youve taken a lot of good steps to distance yourself from him although I don’t see why would you should have had to leave your gym.

Can't argue with their names being Mr and Mrs Bat Shit.

I would agree with this,OP.

Sometimes it’s the only thing that idiots like this understand.

I think a solicitors letter is a good idea. Might bring them up short. Utter weirdos.

You might find it helpful to reach out to https://www.suzylamplugh.org/refer-someone-to-us OP

For the PPs saying he might get bored, OP hasn’t seen or spoke to him in over a year!!
I think his behaviour is verging on dangerous, the cease and desist letter is a definite.

@Poorlyadvised22 sounds like his wife accused him of being obsessed and he’s blaming you to get out of trouble, hence her joining in. What a nightmare!

Thank you all for the advise. I’m going to get some legal advise today and see if I can get a cease and desist sent over to the office he works at as I don’t know where he lives.

I just want him to leave me alone.