To give up on nursery so soon?

[Newusername0]

I am very fragile over this so please be kind!

I have to go back to work and we had two nursery’s lined up. One we loved but had a two year waiting list and one we liked and had availability when we needed it. Both outstanding.

DS 1 year old, had second settle today and they called me to collect basically because they couldn’t settle him/get him to sleep. When I collected him he had obviously been crying quite a bit, catching his breath when I held him and eyes still wet, but had stopped crying when I got there.

I don’t really want to send him back but think I might just be a bit extra because he’s my baby! The second nursery we have lined up doesn’t have space but have said they’ll try to squeeze us in as hoc each week but with no promises until September, which would be quite disruptive with work… but doable! But there’s no telling if they’ll settle him either.

Does this sound normal for a nursery or am I right to be put off by the fact he was clearly distressed and had been crying a fair bit, despite only being left for 1 hour? Any advice appreciated

Sounds very normal for the second day, even for the third/fourth or more! This happened when we were settling my daughter in too. Eventually she was totally fine and now loves it. It's actually a good sign that they called you to pick him up rather than keeping him there unhappy. He will get used to it over time, I don't think this is a reflection of the quality of the nursery.

Yeh you’re giving up too soon, this doesn’t sound like the nursery isn’t doing their best for him, and the other nursery would likely have the sam issue. Lots of babies struggle and need extended settling. Keep going and be available to pickup if you can. Review after a few weeks. It’s also normal for babies to scream when they go in for ages but settle quickly.

Thank you. It’s good to know it’s not unusual, just makes me feel sick the thought of him so upset. need to push through it though.

Sounds completely normal. I wouldn’t worry about the 2nd nursery. They need familiarity and consistency. Go with what you’ve chosen.

Have you gone for sessions where you stayed? Our settling in involved a lot of me just hanging around for several days. Then leaving for 20 minutes. Then 45 minutes, an hour, 2 hours. I would absolutely expect this for day 2. Just persist because you will have to do it eventually so it might as well be now.

But be prepared for the long haul. I didn’t really ever have to come collect mine that I can remember, but it was about 3 months before they were properly settled in.

The problem with starting nursery at 12 months is that its right around the separation anxiety peak, hence creating maximum mum guilt. Keep on, it will take a while, and that is perfectly normal

I'm really surprised such an outstanding nursery couldn't manage a child crying who isn't used to nursery yet. I think this one isn't as great as you think.

Completely normal. Please give it time. This is the point of the settle in - he is settling in! If all children went in and were fine from first day, nurseries wouldn't do settle in sessions.

This was my concern.

Outstanding is their OFSTED rating, not my descriptor. I’ve had no experience of the nursery personally until now.

That’s a good way of looking at it, thank you.

Listen to your instincts and you child. 🩷

Better to call the parent if the child is really distressed. The whole point of settling is to ease the child in to it.

It's normal, unfortunately.

It doesn't make it easier or better that lots of kids go through this.

Just push through the first couple of weeks. The nursery will be very very experienced with this, and yes that includes kids crying. I found the first two weeks of DS going to nursery very tough for me because I had to get used to the idea of him being in someone else's care and I knew this would include him being upset for short periods of time. But I figured this is part both of life experience for him (receiving care from other adults) and me (blending motherhood and work). I still remember how unsettling it felt 13 years on! Needless to say nursery was a really positive experience for DS. So hang in there.

My son didn't go to nursery until he was three, but we had two weeks of disrupted 'come get him he's too upset' calls. A few weeks after that he was skipping in. I appreciate the ages are very different but it's very early to give up on day two.

I totally understand how you feel OP. My one year old started nursery last week and I’m in bits about it. I really hate the whole process and spent most of last week feeling sick and googling the cost of a nanny. I really do wish this was a viable alternative, or a career break, or something! But it’s not.

If it makes you feel any better, this is my third baby and I still feel this way. The older one went to nursery and the middle one goes to nursery and they have enjoyed it and gained a lot. Though I don’t really think it has benefits other than as childcare before the age of two-ish.

My little one is slowly beginning to settle now. I am trying to keep myself sane by reminding myself that that I need to work for them.

Always trust your gut about a nursery, but I wouldn’t let this phone call put me off. I’d much rather be called about a distressed baby than have them wait it out for a prescribed time!

@Jutterbugs It’s such a bummer isn’t it, I wish we could afford to do something different but we really do need to make this work 😭 I think my biggest worry is that my DS is so tricky to get to sleep that he might never settle. I know that’s not likely but my head is swirling.

I’m glad your little one is starting to settle, hopefully it won’t be too long until they’re loving it!

There's a middle ground between calling you at the drop of a hat and never calling at all no matter how distressed he is. The second day when he's been really distressed in an unfamiliar environment I think is fair. That doesn't scream lazy or incapable to me but rather genuinely empathetic to your baby.

I’m think you need to give it a bit longer but do go in and see how they’re doing. I had 3 nursery sessions with my DD. Twice where I left her then they invited me in to see her at lunch. It was clear she absolutely hated it. She could partially feed herself and was frozen solid not even opening her mouth and there was nothing they could do to help her. The environment was so loud and over stimulating. DS had been fine in a nursery but she wasn’t.
I found an amazing childminder and she thrived, loving it from the first session. She needed a more homely environment and was never going to settle.
Trust your gut but don’t knee jerk too quickly.

My youngest DC cried everyday when I dropped off for 5 weeks. The time it took them to settle got shorter.
They then cried at every room transition at drop off for a similar length of time.

fully expecting it again when they start school…

I work in a nursery - The second day is always the worst - it’s good the nursery are ringing you to collect - it means they are realising when it’s too much for him and not just letting him cry it out. It can take a half term for some children to settle and we still have the odd child that has been here for year that struggle to separate initially from mum (but done once in) so completely normal I would say!

I would really try if possible to not feel bad about having other options. I stayed at home with my first until he was 3.5 and my second until two, neither of them attended nursery or any other setting until this point. They both cried for weeks before they settled. So even if you could be a SAHM they would still have to get used to the separation from you at some point. It is horrible but even sending them later it still happens so please don’t feel bad, once they settle in they will grow to love it

It's his age. Mine is just 1 and has been going since 6 months without problems. He's just started wailing when I leave because the separation anxiety hits hard. He wails when his key worker tries to leave the room too, so she's clearly a reasonable alternative to me! Nursery are doing lots of distraction and cuddles.