Feeling so low

[Nocontacteveragain]

Just need a bit of a vent really, and NC for this as I am so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed.

I am usually a very strong, positive and happy person. I have battled through a lot and have always come through the other side. Have always suffered with anxiety but not so much depression. If I have a bad day, I allow it, go with the feeling and know it will pass in a day or so. I’m good with handling my emotions and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up, usually it’s hormone related.

Lately, I am feeling so low. So, so so low. I cannot shake this feeling. My self esteem is on the floor, not physically as I more or less accept myself for who I am but personally it’s low. I feel rejected by friendship groups, I feel unliked. I don’t know where my friends have gone, they seem to have moved on or I am no longer included in plans. I have been scratching my brain to think have I done something? But I honestly cannot pin point that I have.

I am ashamed to say, that I am also in an abusive relationship. It’s very hard to leave and not because we live together, but because he comes so threatening, violent, coercive, threatens to hurt himself. I try to leave, but he often wins his way round by gaslighting me so bad in the end I forget the problem I had and it turns into a me problem, or I am being punished.

I just feel trapped. I am unable to thrive in life. I am unable to look forward to my future or build new connections because I am so controlled by this man.

Yes I am aware of involving the police, I have been there. It doesn’t work. I am now trying the grey rock approach (again) after an exceptionally bad day with him yesterday to push him away.

sorry for the long post, I just wanted to tell someone how sad I am feeling. I have DC’s but they are unaffected by this man. I have never introduced and they do not know about him. Myself and my exDP have 50/50 custody (he is a wonderful father)

Sounds a mess, right?

Im so sorry, things sound tough. You/your life isnt a mess, this is just a messy part. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.

Can you contact womens aid or a local charity? They maybe able to help with more specific advice re these kinds of men. You obviously know what you need to do and what the end goal is, but I can appreciate it is not always so quick and simple. He is the one who should feel ashamed, not you.

Also may be worth going to the GP regarding your low mood to look at mediation and/or therapy. How would you feel about that?

Thank you for your kind response and you are right, I know what to do it just is not that simple.

i am hesitant RE medication, as i would like to try to manage the root cause of my problems to support my emotions rather than mask, but it is not something i will rule out.

I do have a therapist who I have not seen in a few months. I will consider booking in with her again, there is just a lot to unpack and it is overwhelming.

Any chance you can up sticks and move away. Appreciate this may not be possible from a housing/finance/ life point of view. I think this man and the abuse from him are at the heart of the problem. Wishing you strength.

You say your DCs are unaffected. That, with respect, is bollocks. They will almost certainly pick up on everything. Leave for their sake.

If you don't feel you can abruptly call a halt to the relationship, is there any way that you can at least make yourself less available so that the connection can eventually peter out organically? You could be busy doing things with the children or perhaps something creative or exercise or study related. Anything that makes a call on your time without him feeling he is being outright rejected. I know it shouldn't be like this but if you feel it's too stressful right now to be firm and you aren't ready to 'call in the cavalry', it's a possible way forward in the short term.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. It's a difficult situation. You have every right to feel as you do. Sometimes it's just impossible to plaster a smile on your face and soldier on regardless. If your friends aren't making you feel good about yourself either, that's their weakness and not a reflection on you or your intrinsic worth. I don't want to give any glib answers but just to say you have been heard through the ether.

Thank you so much :)

Yes, whilst I appreciate your comment I really do my best to ensure they do not pick up on any negative energy or hear me conversations negatively. Thank you though

Not with school this is not possible, although absolutely something I have thought about!

You sound like a very strong person, used to sorting things out for yourself but currently you’re just in a difficult situation. It’s often the “tough friend “ who helps everyone else that doesn’t get the support when they’re the ones needing it. I hope you will keep posting here. For all the frequent threads complaining about MN being mean girls there’s actually a lot of very wise and knowledgeable women here who can help you take whatever steps, or just chat through whatever feelings you need. Good luck and best wishes.

Thank you - this is so kind.

I am grateful for mumsnet, even with the negative posters. It has got me through some tough times even being able to read for like mindedness, or advice.

Absolutely can be savage though!