Starting secondary Advice please

[Pappybear]

DS starting secondary school in September. We live in London and as with lots of place so there’s the odd story of kids getting mugged, being offered drugs etc.

I’m probably being over cautious, and it’s so depressing to have to think like this - but did any of you in similar situations have chats with your kids what they should do if such a situation happens? DS won’t be getting a smart phone, but that obviously won’t stop would be muggers.

I don’t want to scare him, but I also want to prepare him for being more independent.

Also any other general advice worth passing on to him is welcome!

I think a general talk about drugs is always good, it's not just drugs but also vapes which are often targeted at the younger ones.

Where in London are you? We are in SE/Kent border and DD definitely needed a smart phone for bus time tables, google map and also to access her school intranet during the day.
Just ensure he knows to keep it out of sight when walking.

How independent is he already? At this stage DD was allowed to take a bus on her own to go into town, visit a friend and meet with others for cinema/shopping during the day. The only thing we had to do in August was checking how long she needed to walk to school/what busses to take.

It’s sensible to role play/talk through lots of scenarios, just be clear that the scary/dangerous ones are very rare but you want him to be ready.

DS1 goes to secondary in September, he’s started walking to primary with friends so we’ve talked through what to do if a stranger approaches them, what to do if somebody falls and is hurt, what to do if one of them drops and loses something etc. Basically going through things that might be confusing or difficult.

For secondary we’ll add to that what to do if the bus doesn’t turn up, breaks down, somebody is scaring him on the bus etc etc.

Our son starts secondary school in September. Suburban London comprehensive. His brother is already there but son 2 is younger in himself and I think more naive than his brother and more likely to be a follower.

He already walks to primary school and we’ve said if anyone asks for his things to his had them over. That it’s just stuff and his safety is more important.

But I admit I am worried.

He’s started to walk to primary on his own, and sometimes let him go down to local shops to collect a pint of milk etc.

We have too do him never to go with strangers. Or even into peoples houses that he knows, without telling us. What is the general advice if a stranger approaches them on quite the streets?? And also what is the advice with mugging shapes etc? I want to arm him with the confidence to say t he se things so I like the idea of role playing some scenarios and giving him some stock phrases to say.

The first thing he needs to learn it to be alert to his surroundings, not head in a phone, earphones in, etc, look up & look around to ideally avoid anything bad before it happens. Walk with a purpose, don’t dawdle, etc.

Trust his gut, if he thinks someone’s body language is off/odd he’s probably right.

If he is mugged, don’t fight back & just hand stuff over. Depending on where he is he could go back to the school after or a local shop to ask for help.

Sorry just realised my last post is all over place! Hopefully it make an some sense.

So for example - if somebody tries talking to him “I can’t stop, my dad’s waiting” and gesture up the street as though his dad is just up the road and he’s catching up.

If somebody tells him to hand over his stuff, hand it over. Just say ok and hand it over, he won’t be in trouble for losing stuff.

If somebody asks him to go with them anywhere, tries to convince him to go to their house or round the corner or into their car or anything - “I’m not allowed to go anywhere, I have to go, my dad’s waiting”.

If anybody claims they need his help, know that adults don’t normally ask kids for help so that’s suspicious in itself - again, that’s another “I’m not allowed to, I have to go, my dad’s waiting”.

If frightened or not sure what to do - ask a woman for help, or go into a shop and ask the staff.

This is all really helpful! Thank you so much. I’ll definitely use these.

And what about the vape / drugs chat. We’ve talked broadly about these things but not in terms of him being offered them. Obviously the ideal is he just say “no” and walks off. But I know sometimes that can be harder for kids if they feel intimidated. Or should I just impress on them that No is a complete sentence?

The line we’ve taken on drugs and especially vapes is that it’s just stupid to take something when you don’t really know what it is. Our son is quite analytical and cautious, so we showed him some news stories about drugs being laced with rat poison or whatever, and so far he is adamant that people who use them are just stupid and reckless, so I guess fingers crossed he keeps feeling that way!

We will check in on that issue from time to time - we’ve already established with him that if he tells us things that his friends have asked him to keep secret we will respect that secret and not tell their parents (unless it’s about somebody hurting their friend, in which case he knows that he should tell). So I’m hoping that as the years go on he’ll feel able to tell me if his friends are vaping/experimenting etc and I can keep the lines of communication open about why I don’t think he should.

Get him to accept that saying no means he can loose a friend but a person who would push him or exclude him is hardly a friend anyway. Encourage that taking drugs/vaping to belong is wrong.

Be realistic that you may never meet all his school friends or even know/meet the parents. Secondary is a very different kettle of fish and over the 6 years I met 2 parents, knew an additional one from a shared hobby they did during primanry school age and hardly knew even surnames.

We also checked DD's phone on a regular basis, had rules about Insta, had the rights to read texts/WhatsApp.

Stranger - don't interact. Carry on walking and saying "sorry, I can't help". Most likely he will walk in a larger group of people for a stretch anyway.
If he is afraid, he could walk to a cafe/shop/petrol station and call you. DD had a stretch where also primary school children walked home and we told her to approach a parent with a child if necessary.

She had more issues with men catcalling and whistling unfortunately.

Agree with all the points raised above.

I think one thing is just not to engage. Don't argue, don't get involved in anything physical (even just pushing someone). Run away if you can.

With teen boys, I think you also need to tell them not to get mouthy with police officers.

I'd say peer pressure is more of a worry than random strangers approaching him.
With peer pressure I always told my children they had free range to blame me for anything. "Want a vape?"; "I can't my mum will smell it on me and kill me".
Organise an emergency "code phrase" that your DC can text you and you will message them straight back with "Family emergency; coming to get you now!" .. and then come and get them. That way they can extricate themselves from a situation they are not comfortable with, without losing face in front of peers.