Don't want to be there when ashes are scattered.

[Rainydays26]

My mums ashes are being scattered tomorrow. Its meant to be a few family members and myself. I really don't want to go. I haven't had a relationship with her for many years. I did see her once in her care home. That was only because I was pressured into it. She had dementia. When I saw her I did feel sad for her. But I didn't feel anything personally. A part from that I dont think I have seen her for over 20 years. She was quite horrible to me communication wise. In the end I realised I couldn't make her be my mum. So I stopped trying . But I have had to see photos, holidays lovely times togther with other family members grandchildren etc.

As I said above I was pressured to go and see her so I did. Now its about scattering her ashes. And there's pressure there. My sister has been sending messages to a brother hes reading the messages and not replying.
And she made a comment about there may not have been much contact. But she's his mum at the end of the day. But shes saying that from a place of regular contact and a mum daughter relationship.

I basically want to get out of it but don't know how.

I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to have a stomach bug first thing tomorrow morning, and sadly you won't make it, they can video it for you if that makes them feel better.

I don't know your family situation but it sounds like your mum picked and chose children she liked, your brother is totally blanking the whole thing.

Im thinking that. But i feel guilty even though i shouldn't. And I feel like they would know I'm lying.

Its incredibly difficult in these situations.

Although you should be able to just say , 'No , i dont want to attend'. I appreciate the pressure, my family is very similar.

Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you.

Your choice is between guilt ( doing what you want which maybe isn’t what other family members would choose for you) and resentment (doing what they want you to do at your own expense).

better guilt than resentment, choose to do what works for you. All the best.

Just brazen it out, probably easy for me to say I guess, your sister might be wanting the pretence of a nice family, but i don't think you have to forgive and forget what your mother was like.

@FinallyHeresums it up!

Yeah i meam logically she won't know that I'm lying i think its more that I know and im paranoid she will see through me.

Even when she rang me to say she had died. I felt like she had rang me to tell me her mum had died. So I was saying im sorry. How you coping do you have anyone with you. It was that awkward feeling when you don't really know what to say. And emotionally I didn't feel anything. Because of that I felt like I was being cold.

I think you need to think of yourself op. If you have a relationship with your sister you can be there in other ways. If you can be honest explain today or an excuse will cover it. I avoid funerals and only attend if I’m very close with the person that has died. Each to their own etc. I also don’t like wakes as for many it’s an excuse to get really drunk and I don’t drink.

Just say that you will not be there.

Unless this would place an unacceptable stress or burden on others

Don't go and don't apologise after.

What's the worst that could happen?

When my grandmother died, my brother arranged the funeral. I told him that if I went, it would only be to ensure she was actually dead and buried because I hated the woman. He had a good relationship with her (because he was the golden child and blind to her appalling personality) and still wanted me to attend so I did, for his sake. I didn't go to the wake though. I went to pub for a few single malts.

All these years later, I wish I had not gone because attending was validating her as a person. I don't know what I was thinking quite honestly!

To be honest i don't know why i feel guilty. Why should I really. I think its because my sister thinks she was our mum. So its like i don't care. Biologically yes. Emotionally ahd relationship wise no. And I don't think she gets that.

Just tell them you'll find it too difficult and leave it at that.

Did she have a different relationship with your mum?

Yes she had a standard mum daughter relationship. Phone calls , visits, grandchildren, holidays. Get together etc.

So just don't go!
You don't have to justify a perfectly sensible decision.
If you are questioned, just keep replying "Thank you for the invitation, but this event is not for me".
That's it.

I know that's true. But I don't want to cause fallout. Theres been enough of that im my family. I have already had that with my mother.