Please help me snap out of this

[Perpective]

TLDR I feel a failure in all aspects of life and disappointment to my parents (who don’t feel this) it’s all in my head. please help me get perspective (or the phrase some here hate handhold)

I know I am BU to myself (though note this is Chat) This might be recognised and I’ve name changed. If anyone does think they
know me please don’t tell me.

i feel such a failure today and a disappointment to my parents. (My parents have never said or implied that I am a disappointment)
In my 50s

• no partner and never have
• no children (so no grandchildren and they would have been great grandparents
• no career to speak of - lots of gaps. I qualified in a profession but couldn’t cope (MH) I know I could be in a better job but just feel secure and terrified eg management. Finding it hard to manage my MH with just my current job
• disability that I could have managed mayhe done better with things like physio
• disabilty means medically cant drive or offer practical support for example when one was in hospital
• needed a lot of support with MH and not able to reciprocate
• no social interaction due to ASD

(Didn’t ask for bullet points not sure how to delete.) Partly envy I see family and friends with at least one thing- they have great kids (even if marriage may have ended) or single but great career

The way I'd view this is that you could live another 40 or 50 years and I'd want those years to be the best I can make them

So......I'd start with each bullet point and try to make it "better" or as good as it can be

For example, counselling might help you perceive your life differently and help you find positivity. Seeing a life coach might help rationalise and plan/adjust

Seeing a physio now might make a real difference

Obviously there are things you can't change but there are many things on your list which CAN be changed and improved and changing your perception and outlook (with help) would definitely make a huge difference

If that's what you'd like to happen

I agree; it’s never ever too late to start the physio and tackle your perspective through some therapy.

With the physio, small gains could make such a difference to your daily abilities. Small gains can stack up and lead to confidence to do more. Simply being more active helps your MH.

Learning something like Tai Chi (even seated) could help mobility. And could be done at home. You may also find the routine and structure supportive.

Breathing techniques are a very underrated tool and skill also. Reading Breathe by James Nestor blew (!) me away!

I found rational cbt extremely useful as the core principle can be applied to any situation.

You might eventually feel able to attend some classes which would be a soft social approach. Many autistic people love and do well with martial arts through the structure, movement and short meaningful but structured social contact.

Echoing others, focus on one thing where you feel you can improve. But I bet your family don't see you the way you see yourself.

If it helps at all, I have a similar list. No children, ASD, career failure despite MA degree and professional qualifications, had to give up driving due to anxiety and poor eyesight, no friends.

💐

Thank you all. I will look at the suggestions.

I also need to accept everyone is different. True I don’t have the things I listed but that doesn’t mean my parents are disappointed in me. if I only look at the things I can improve it won’t work. There will always be relatives and friends who are more successful.
Apart from the being a professional and more social interaction I didn’t actually want the others or I can’t change them/they aren’t a fault. Even the work is mainly related to health, mainly depression.

I’ll get back to trying to use the CBT I have learnt and if I need it out side help/GP.

I wonder whether we all have the list, but some have better MH, are more optimistic or just better ways of perspective.

I think that everyone can produce a list of negatives, it depends on how you look at things.

My positives list

Lovely DH
Nice home
Hobbies I enjoy
I manage to go to work and make some money for myself
Good relationship with nieces and nephews
No debt plus some savings for emergencies
Mostly good health

What's your positive list?

Comparison is most definitely the thief of joy. Make your life the best it can be FOR YOU. Don't think it's "less than" because you haven't done what Cousin Jane has done. That's just daft and pointless thinking ❤️

Life isn't really about this list of achievements or possessions. You can pretend it is, many do, but...It's not a videogame and there is no way to win. Life is just this brief window, this gift, of consciousness. We get to experience and know the world for a while, a very short while and then it's over. Run your hands through dewy grass. Put your face up to the sun. All you have to do to be a successful human is this. Experience and value your own life and the lives of others. You're doing fine, honestly.

Thank you all. A reminder what we do with life isnt a race with winners and losers.

i “know” intellectually but does not sink in emotionally and I use that as another stick to beat myself - “you know that comparing yourself with others makes you feel bad so why do you do it, you are just stupid”

Comparison really is pernicious. Also although part of it is genuinely feeling I’m not the daughter my parents deserved honestly it is envy

im going to make a gratitude list and make it as personal as possible- all the people I envy also have access to clean water and enough food. What are the things I have and they don’t or have in a different way?

You are enough @Perpective . Noone has to pay rent for their space on Earth (don't give Trump ideas!) and 'Do no harm/be happy' seems a pretty good life plan to me.

Yours is far from over and being less hard on yourself might mean it will be easier to find things that fulfil you as the person you are.

But still .....comparison

What about learning to be happy because you're you and you're amazing ?

Despite your physical disability and neurodivergence you are determinedly independent (to such an extent that you worry about not helping other people)

I think your parents by now will be not so much disappointed in you as slightly concerned about how you will feel once they're gone. You say you find social interaction difficult and have no friends.

Could you bring yourself to take up some hobbies? You don't need to socialise, just talk to people 🙃

I echo the martial arts idea (I took up karate in my 40s). What about a choir? A church if you have any inclination that way.

I always like to put in a plug for bellringing here. It takes up just as much time as you're prepared to give it, and you can do exactly as much socialising as you want. And it's the kind of nerdy hobby that attracts neurodivergent people.

I need to work on self acceptance.Just as I am. Also though realising my MH isn’t great so accepting that working on myself may be too much.

There is a phrase a love God and love your neighbour as yourself. At the moment id feel very sorry for my neighbours. My religion (including the people) helps.

I’m realising some of this dwelling on myself and my thoughts isn’t helping just at the minute. Going to get myself up (in bed, partly genuine tiredness due to disability), cook something for tonight and something I can have in the week. Then some rubbish TV

It's a habit of mind. You can build new habits. When you find yourself feeling envious of someone, stop yourself and find something to cherish about them instead. I'm sure you're glad, really, that your friends and family have wonderful things. Allow yourself to notice that more gracious feeling in yourself. It's there too if you listen.

The habit of feeling glad for people, and noticing what they have in a happy way will eventually extend to yourself. The same with compassion and, eventually, love. Build the habit of generosity and you will have enough for yourself, too, in time. Good luck. You can turn this around. x

I read something once (can't remember who) which said that in order to properly fulfil the concept of loving our neighbour as ourself, we have to at the very least love ourselves as we love our neighbours 🤔