Feeling shame at my child’s behaviour

[crispyrick]

My DD is 3.5, 4 in a few months. Since she was born, I’ve always taken her negative behaviour really personally and struggle to get over it. I seem to sit and think about it for hours after, sometimes days. For example, today she was absolutely hysterical over not getting her own way in front of family, and I ended up getting so upset, thinking they were judging me (when they most likely were not), and am still thinking about it now, hours after it happened. I feel like it’s a demonstration of my terrible parenting.
I don’t want to be like this because firstly, it isn’t good for me to be stewing over such minor, most likely normal age-related behaviour, but also, it makes me angry at my DD for longer than is probably normal and I don’t want to be such a miserable, angry mother which I feel I am becoming.
I have never been a laid back person, and probably never will be, but can someone give me some thoughts/ideas/tips on how I can let things go and not take everything so personally! I’m just desperate to be a good parent and I just feel like I have no idea what I’m doing still.

Oh that can be difficult. I think it is just luck of the draw if you get a more difficult child or a placid, easy-going one. It isn't anything you have done. They are just the way they are.
There are the usual books such as 'The Explosive Child' and 'How to Talk So Kids will Listen' which I think are helpful.
You could journal your thoughts at the end of each day. It helps to get them out while not directing them at anyone.
Perhaps have a mantra that you tell yourself 'I'm a good mum' or 'I'm good enough'.
If your DD gets totally hysterical could you consider just letting her have her way or do something that calms her down like sit her in front of the TV? With some children, trying to uphold strict boundaries can be like pouring oil on the fire. She will be able to manage her emotions better as she gets older, and will be more amenable to reason and rules.
Lastly, when things are calm between you and your child do make sure to have moments of love and laughter - a warm cuddle, a silly game, dancing or singing etc. Don't let the angry and miserable moments (and there will be more and that is OK) define your relationship.

There's an amazing book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, it gets you to go through what about their behaviour bothers you so you can stay in a calmer place and deal with it effectively, rather than going into a panic state through embarrassment or fear.

It's only 99p on kindle so I think it's really worth it.

Absolutely do not do as the above poster says and let her have her way because she's kicked off! This is the way to reinforce that behaviour. Kids, adults, animals - were all gamblers. And the fastest way to train the most reliable response is a variable reward schedule. So if you reward her with the thing that she wants after she has screamed at you for different lengths of time, you very effectively teach her to keep screaming...because eventually the reward will come. You'd be teaching her endurance, not to calm down.

That aside, you've correctly identified that this is a you issue. Your child is probably just being a child. Hold the boundary. People will judge how you respond to her, not her behaviour itself. Have a set sentence you can practice, but mostly just be there and be ready to remove her (to another room, out of a shop, to sit on the grass together etc). "It's hard when the TV goes off and it makes you feel mad. We can watch more tomorrow. Let me know when you want a cuddle" and just sit near by. And if it's somewhere that's too disruptive for others add in "I'm going to carry you outside so we can sit together until you feel calmer" and then scoop her up in a bear hug from behind so she can't hurt you and remove her.

You've got this.

All kids have meltdown and kick offs and some are more stubborn than others. Just continue to be calm and confident. I am by no means am expert at this but when mine has a tantrum I just sit next to him until he eventually calms down and cuddles then I try and explain why he cant have something and offer an alternative. I try not to engage with him mid tantrum. Try not to worry about other people judging. I'm sure your doing a great job. Also try and think that she is just testing boundaries Nd learning her emotions x

Nothing you’ve said about her particularly sounds of of character for a child that age, it’s more your response that’s the issue. Taking the behaviour of a newborn personally isn’t rational so it’s definitely worth looking for some resources to help you manage that aspect.

(but don’t worry, nobody is judging when they’re having a tantrum, I promise most of us either feel sympathy or relief that it’s not our child for once!!!)

ps the fact you’re beating yourself up shows what a good parent you are!

in terms of tips, stay calm (otherwise there’s two of you shouting and upset) and if she’s safe and you need to step away from a minute then do that, remember that she’s testing boundaries not punishing you and ultimately that they’re not logical and you can’t usually reason with them, just ride it out!

I also pick my battles - is it dangerous or just inconvenient - otherwise I seem to say no because I feel like I should, then she kicks off and then I realise actually it was no real issue at all at which point I can’t backdown and give in the tantrum! Take a split second to think whether it’s an actual issue first!

Take a moment and look around at all the other 3 and 4 years olds you know. Is your DDs behaviour mostly in line with kids her age? Have you watched TV programmes, read books or articles that describe normal developmental behaviour in 3 and 4 year olds. Is your DDs behaviour mostly in line with this? Is she in preschool or nursery? Have the staff spoken to you about any behavioural concerns they have?

So assuming that she's behaving like an average 3 or 4 year old, her behaviour belongs to her. Not you. Non of it is your fault. It's normal and developmentaly appropriate. No one will judge you for having an bog standard 3 or 4 year old. You are not in charge of her anger or her frustration - the feelings that are driving the bad behaviour. You cannot magic them away. She needs to feel those things and overtime she will understand that they're just feelings that pass. That they aren't wrong or 'too much' . She's not purposefully trying to embarrass you or upset you. Her feelings are about her, not you.

You are in charge of yourself though. You can change how you react to her when she behaves poorly because of her feelings. You can be kind and empathetic and at the same time confident in whatever rule or limit you're holding. And confident that you're doing the right thing and that her feelings and bad behaviour will pass. Mostly be confident, calm and assertive when she behaves badly. You are in charge, you can handle any messy emotions she throws your way. Fake it till you make it. If you feel embarrassed/watched that she's kicking off in front of family/friends, pick her up or lead her by the hand to a different room, or outside and work with her away from other people

Don't imagine people judging you negatively for your DDs poor behaviour, instead imagine them judging you positively about how you react to it. You are the calm fucking zen master of the universe!

Also re reading your OP, it sounds like you need help to process your feelings too. Naming them out loud is a really good technique to help them be less overwhelming. And something you can do for yourself and your DD to improve both of your emotional intelligence. Either in the moment of the tantrum or in the repair afterwards. See what works best. Things like

"You're shouting really loud and crying a lot. I think that you're very angry that I said no more sweets"
"I feel very tense right now, I'm going to try taking a deep breath"
"I'm sorry I shouted at you, I felt really angry because I was embarrassed. But I feel guilty I shouted, I shouldn't have done that"