How do family matriarchs keep everyone together and relationships positive?

[Stillupatmidnight]

Just wondering….🤔 I cared for a lady recently who was described as the matriarch; the one who kept everyone together. Amazed at her a good work, (her large family do appear to be very much together), I wondered how she did it?! Any stories of anyone in your family or known to you who just did keep everyone together? I’d love to know what sort of things they did to foster these positive relationships?

Mostly by just keeping lines of communication open I think.

Me and my brother get on great, but we're crap at keeping in touch. If we lived in the same place, then we'd probably head down the pub once a week or whatever, and see lots of each other. But he lives half way across the country, so we see each other two or 3 times a year, and maybe phone each other once a month or so. He's also not entirely on planet Earth.

Which is why when I saw his camper van turn up on my drive on Good Friday, I was rather surprised. Because I'd spoken to him about a month earlier, and he'd said "We're thinking we might come down sometime in the easter holidays, but I'll let you know closer to the time. And then I'd heard nothing, so assumed it wasn't happening. He on the other hand, had told my Dad they were coming, and expected him to pass on the message. Which he didn't, because he didn't know there was a message to pass on.

So while I was very happy to see my brother, it was rather brief as we'd booked a last minute trip away for a few days. So a couple of hours after he turned up, I left him with the house keys and buggered off!

That would not have happened if my Mum had still been alive, because she was in touch with us every couple of days, she'd have known I was contemplating a trip away and so known to pin down my brother on whether he was coming on not.

My experience is that they do bring everyone together...but only because the people are too afraid to say no! And I've never seen anything positive about it all, it's just domineering.

However, I suspect I may just have had unfortunate experiences, I presume it's not always like this and isn't always the case...

That’s lovely that you guys are close and slightly funny that your dad didn’t pass on the message, it would have gone over my dad’s head too! Communication is key!

I’ve seen this too! The family I mentioned above do seem genuinely close and caring for one another but yes on the other hand I’ve seen as you describe people fairly unwillingly forced to BBQs and get togethers. Is it just pot luck whether people all get along or not? or does it take someone along the way to oversee conflict and nurture caring attitudes??

Do they really keep it together or do they operate a 'brush things under the carpet' methodology? Hence when matriarch dies things fall to shit?

My Mil and DM were more "divide and rule" so we have terrible family relationships.

However, my DH's aunty does do the whole matriarch thing. Traditions, lots and lots of get togethers, pays for everything, is very generous with her time and money. Makes time for the grandkids and they all seem to adore her.

It's not always been easy as they've had some sad bereavements but she has put the work in and it does seem to have paid dividends.

I'm the matriarch in my family...

I always invite my 3 kids and their respective partners/kid round for lunch every sunday. Sometimes they can make it sometimes they can't. no pressure to come.

I make sure I celebrate all their achievements like graduating, passing driving test, passing exam, getting a job/promotion etc with coffee and cake or posecco when we get together.

It's just a question of being the focal point where everyone meets up and everyone is welcome.

@deserthighway do you have life outside family? Do you ever do something different on a Sunday?

Some matriarchs are the ones who expect their family to live close by and have to come to theirs on Christmas Day etc, without any consideration of what others might like to do or in-laws.

My MIL has a friend like that, absolute no consideration for in-laws. Everything has to be done her way, all celebrations orchestrated by her. Family have to live close, no spreading of wings

DM is certainly the very well respected matriarch of our (very large!) family and massively keeps the peace between those who have an uneasy relationship. I am 100% anticipating that things will go to shit and get rather ugly when she passes.

Lifelong reciprocal support and care.

Yes I have life outside family. I have a part time job although it used to be full time and I socalise with friends, yes, sometimes I do something different on a sunday. I don't expect my kids to live nearby although they do and obviously they share christmas/new year/events between me and their in-laws. Anything else would be unfair.

@GlovedhandsCecilia or interference!

Yeah you got to take the rough with the smooth

They host everyone for family events: Easter, a Christmas get together (not necessarily Christmas Day), Bank Holiday get togethers etc.

They are listened to and their experience respected. When given the space, they can settle the baby their way. They do have good relationship advice. They did raise you or your partner and your siblings as teens. In some cases, they are still raising teens/young adults.

It works both ways. They fulfil the role as matriarch and they are accepted as a matriarch.

My nana was like that. It was a combination of things - she was easy going but wouldn’t take shit if you were rude with her, she’d sacrificed her dreams for her kids but poured all her love into them even in poverty. She was always available to look after us kids and constantly had some of us round (she had 5 kids so 16 grandkids) and she made wonderful food and cakes and afternoon teas. She’d host BBQs and Easter egg hunts and big family dinners and cheese and cracker parties.

She was a kind, funny, self sacrificing person. And it paid off.

My mum was the matriarch. She did it by keeping in contact with everybody. We always knew that if we needed an address she would have it. She knew what Aunt Polly was doing and that James was at university studying engineering, not because she was nosy, but because she wrote to them regularly and they wrote back. She was the absolute hub of the family.

When she died ten years ago that role suddenly fell to me and I felt extremely inadequate! However... It does seem that some of it rubbed off on me. I am the person who keeps in touch with my aunts and uncles. I know how many children my cousins have. My siblings come to me for addresses. My mum's cousin sent me the information about a family funeral and I disseminated it. My mother always kept in touch with my deceased father's brother and I do that now. If anyone wants family information or to share information they come to me. If I don't know the answer I usually know who to get it from and how to contact them.

Our family isn't close geographically and the extended family don't see each other very often - hence why this role is necessary. It may not be what you see as a 'matriarch', but I see a matriarch as being the glue that keeps a family together.

^ This was my experience. Very forceful, brilliant grandmother but brushed everything undert the carpet, within 10 years of her passing there are cracks as big as the grand canyon across the family. Not because people don't like each other, but because the family secrets and never being able to admit to each other that life wasn't rosy has done irreparable damage.

I think I’ve sort of fallen into this role without intending to! Grown up DC with spouses of their own who live a couple of hours away (both in entirely different directions from each other🙄), an elderly but active mum who lives several hours away and a DSis and her family who live down the road.

I seem to be the coordinator of family events and relationships, usually the person to pass important information down the line, sort out dates for get togethers, make sure everyone knows what they’re doing and generally keep the show on the road!
I think a big part of it is that I just happen to be a details person and enjoy things like researching and organising holidays so I end up doing that part of things and they seem pleased to let me do it.

I’m also the person they phone for advice or in a crisis - DD is the most independent woman I know but she cut her finger badly recently and her husband was at work so she phoned me (2 hours away so couldn’t just pop round!) half in tears asking what to do. Ditto DSis when my mum had a bad fall at her house…first instinct was ‘Shall I phone CountryGirl?’. DM told her not to be ridiculous (and I haven’t a clue what I could have done to help) but it was her first instinct.
I also seem to be the jam in the sandwich of the generations. DM will ask me ‘what would DS like for his birthday?’ as if he were still 7 not late twenties and hasn’t lived with me for nearly 10 years! I always say ‘I don’t know you will have to ask him’ but she still seems to have to run it by me. Likewise the DC will phone up and say ‘Would ‘Nanna like this for Christmas do you think?’
I’m extremely hands off when it comes to expectations- the DC know they’re always welcome at Christmas but we never expect them to come if they’ve got other plans or just want time on their own. I’d hate the sort of relationship where they feel obliged to do things with us, so not THAT sort of matriarch!
I do wonder who will fulfill this role when I’m losing my marbles though! DH said the other day ‘This family wouldn’t do half the things we do if you weren’t holding it all together!’

My grandmother held this position. She was and is nice to people, takes an interest in what people are up to and remembers the little details. The family gets on in general and there are rarely any fallings out. If there are, she is one to forgive and forget and leave doors open. She cooks a lot of food and always used to host and make people feel wanted and welcome.
I’d be shit at it.