How can I support my daughter being excluded by her friendship group?

[CoffeeAndACroissant]

Name change as it's slightly outing.

How can I support my DD10? I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

DD10 has a best friend (BFF) she has known since she was a baby. They went to the same toddler groups, nursery, school, and I'm good friends with her Mum. Now they are in year 5 and part of a wider friendship group of around half a dozen.

This year, another girl has joined their friendship group. Let's call her Daisy. Daisy and BFF have bonded. But Daisy has taken a dislike to DD. She has told the others that DD has done things when she has not. Daisy has told DD to go away when Daisy is talking to BFF, saying they are having private conversations.

I have met Daisy and she has a strong forceful personality. Unfortunately BFF and the other girls appear to have been led by Daisy and now DD is frequently left out of conversations, games etc.

This has ramped up since they returned to school after Easter and, as loathe as I am to say it, I think we are going into bullying territory.

I have contacted the school who are "keeping an eye". BFF's Mum is well aware and has spoken to BFF, she is just as unhappy about the situation as I am.

DD does a number of extra curricular activities and has a wide group of friends outside of school. Previously she was always well liked within the school. Unfortunately she keeps gravitating back to that friendship group, though I keep encouraging her to find others to talk to and play with. Her particular group of friends still play games at play time, whereas many of the other girls in her year are getting into make up, boys etc.

I'd like to hear from anyone who has been through similar. What helped? What didn't? DD is in tears every day now and my heart is breaking for her. Please and thank you.

Have you talked to the teacher?

Could you reach out to Daisys mother directly and perhaps go on a play date with your DD and Daisy together? This might strengthen the girls friendships knowing both mothers are paying attention in some way? I’m not sure if that’s going to work but it’s worth a shot

I think at this age you have to take on a fine balance of coach and advocate. Friendships are brutal at this age.
The meanness should be discouraged by school. But the heartbreak of being dumped by a friend group hurts. I think you need fo let her figure out that goibg back to that group isn't effective.
Its good that she has other networks out of s hool.
Its tough that the parents are friends.
Also be prepared for your daughter to get picked up and dropped a bit too.
I think you can talk about in general whay good friendship looks like and toxic looks like.
Then try and create a list of nice things outside s hool to look forward to. Little day trips etc.
It sucks for your daughter and its really hard to be a parent in this situation. But life will readjust and your lovely daighter will find a new friend group x

I think at this age you have to take on a fine balance of coach and advocate. Friendships are brutal at this age.
The meanness should be discouraged by school. But the heartbreak of being dumped by a friend group hurts. I think you need fo let her figure out that goibg back to that group isn't effective.
Its good that she has other networks out of s hool.
Its tough that the parents are friends.
Also be prepared for your daughter to get picked up and dropped a bit too.
I think you can talk about in general whay good friendship looks like and toxic looks like.
Then try and create a list of nice things outside s hool to look forward to. Little day trips etc.
It sucks for your daughter and its really hard to be a parent in this situation. But life will readjust and your lovely daighter will find a new friend group x

This age is vile. Mine got picked up and dropped a lot. Also is the hormones....

Guide and advise, support etc but mums can be a nightmare. There are always 2 sides and then possibly another more real perspective. So I suppose a bit of caution with the other mums.

Speak to school. They see most things so will deal with things if not appropriate.

But I feel your pain. Also at age when secondary schools are being decided and then the friends change again depending on who is going where.

Find a way to keep talking with DD.

Not easy though

Dd had the same in Year 6. Got a new group of friends in Year 7 at school and then was excluded by them in Year 9 and not make friends again until she went to a new sixth form. I encouraged friendships out of school, constantly reassured her that it wasn’t her it was them (I was pretty sure I was right) while also gently mentioning good conversation tactics to make new friends (ie ask people about themselves, listen to people, don’t just talk).

in sixth form she was extremely popular. Made friends at uni no problem and has a great circle of friends as a young adult. It will pass, she will forget about it. But I remember how hard it was. Really sounds like you’re doing the right things. The out of school friends is the biggie. Encourage interests, groups, hobbies.

I agree with others. This is about coaching her through this and helping her develop coping skills. This was my DD in yr 5. Yr 6 quite a bit better. We just had a patch again in Yr 7 but she has come through that one much better. Accepting that friendships flex and change and are fluid us really hard. And yes girls can be mean and when the others all wade in its even harder. Hold off on a mobile phone as far into yr 6 as you can until all this has settled.

Similar experiences here
I would say expect friendships to be choppy seas now that hormones and egos are more prominent in the age they are
don’t expect that BFF’s will be stable
it is upsetting all the changes and feeling dumped etc
so steel yourself and DD for things being more unsettled
teach her the concept of frenemy as well as bully so she can recognise and Protect herself in these situations
encourage her to lean into other friendships. Learn to initiate new connections and not rely / expect established friendships to not change …
it’s really hard !! For DD’s and mums !!!
and in my experience more the norm from year 6 onwards 😬

My DD had similar friendship issues in year 5. In year 6 she eventually started playing with some other girls, but it was surprising to me how long she kept on going back to the old group even when they were mean to her.

The good news is that she came out of the experience with an understanding of what makes a friendship good and bad. She has sailed through secondary school with hardly any friendship drama at all, I think this is partly because of the lessons she learnt in years 5/6.

Year 5 friendships can be volatile, and it's likely this group would have fragmented even without the introduction of Daisy. (In Year 5 my daughter literally made a whole new set of friends - girls I'd scarcely known existed at that point).

I would encourage your DC to talk/play with the other girls, perhaps in 1s and 2s rather than whole group. Can you facilitate play dates? I also agree to keep encouraging her to go and find other friends.

I also think you need to position yourself to try to gently guide, and listen to her, but she is old enough now that you have to let her make your own decisions. I would also strongly advice against talking about this with BFF's mum. If you and the mum are friends in your own right then stick to your own things. If you are friends mainly because of your daughters, then I would prepare yourself that the friendship will likely start to drift.

You can’t intervene directly because it always backfires. Girls are absolutely foul to each other starting at this age and they need to learn the survival skills. Just talk to her about it and let her find her way through. It will probably be that she just finds new ‘people’.

From experience, sometimes you just have to let these things roll and unless she’s being targeted or bullied, you just need to let them figure out themselves. It is a part of growing up and learning human interaction and dynamic I’m afraid, admittedly not very easy to watch.

Preteen and teen girl friendships are absolutely brutal and highly political! Situations like this will happen a lot going forwards.

From experience with the boys, they generally tend to have a bit of fisticuffs and it’s all happy days at the end of it!

Oh it's so hard when your child is being ostracised and are unhappy - I do feel for you OP 😔

Keep encouraging your DD to spend time with other friends and to hang out with other girls at school. Invite different friends over to yours and do some fun activities with them - it will give her confidence to forge other friendships. Do go back and speak to the teacher if the nastiness continues.

I agree with all of this.

It's horrible to see. At least your friend is aware and receptive! I stupidly raised it with the mum who was a good friend as I didn't want to spend as much time together outside school and it caused a shit storm of swearing and crying, as though I'd suggested divorce.

We're almost a year on now. My DD has lots of friends and has been able to expand her friendships (which is great because I felt the whole BFF thing was stifling) and is used to flitting from group to group now, but really misses having a BFF because eveyone else has one and sometimes it feels like playing gooseberry. Former BFF is still a 'good' friend, but blows hot and cold.

Unfortunately, they have to learn how to be comfortable not always being someone's favourite.

Don't try and befriend 'Daisy' - don't teach her to pander to people that don't treat her nicely.

Thanks all. It is reassuring to know that this is fairly common and they do seem to get through it eventually.

I have an older DS and there was never any of this drama.

I don't think playdates with the friendship group is the answer. I think as others have suggested it will be better to foster other friendships. I've got a girl coming over this evening that DD knows well who is a neighbour but attends another school.

I will keep talking to her about developing other friendships. It's just so hard as, as far as DD is concerned, BFF has been in her life forever and currently she can't see how her life will work without her.

There is a residential coming up which I'm concerned about. Especially as she has named the friendship group as the ones she would like to be in accommodation with. I need to talk to the school about how this can be managed.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. I struggle sometimes with how much I should intervene and now much I should let them work things out for themselves.

How does the school manage residential sleeping arrangements? At my DC's school they guaranteed you would be with one named friend but they otherwise mixed the children up so that they got to know others. Which might work quite well in your case.

I'd thought things might be getting a bit better, in terms of girls supporting girls, but sadly, if anything, it's worse. Phones and social media doesn't help. Another mum told me to think about this-when we left the house, we were free, and non-contactable, most of the time. She said think what it's like for this age group to never know that feeling, ever. And to always have any bullying/meal girl behaviour potentially 24/7. I'm not saying you let your daughter have a phone, but you can bet that some of the mean girls do. Just keep letting your daughter know you're there for her to talk to, but also let her tell you-one of the mistakes I make is always asking my kids how things are when I'm worried about them, and this actually makes it harder for them.