Struggling with close relatives slow decline due to terminal illness

[Meudantte]

A close relative is in later stages of cancer and probably only got a few months left. It's the first time this has happened in my immediate family and I'm finding it so unsettling. I don't live with them so am not carer but am in daily contact with other close relative who is carer and am visiting whenever I can (I live a few hours away).

Its not just the fact they won't be here soon. It's the slow fade as they become a shell of themselves. The prospect of a painful, undignified end. It is really upsetting me to know I cant do much to alleviate it. Then in between medical matters they talk about bits of mundane paperwork they insist on sorting as they 'get their affairs in order' eg selling car. Bits of meaningless bureaucracy as they prepare for death.

I know many people have experienced this in their families and I thought I was prepared for it but I'm not.

Maybe my view of terminal illness has been too influenced by sugary media depictions of 'courageous fighters' and 'bucket lists' and seeing this depressing and mundane reality of someone's final months is a shock?

Its also just a horrible reminder of mortality. Not sure what I want from this thread but just need to vent as I hate watching someone die in slow motion and just want it to be over and not to see them suffer anymore😓

Until we have assisted dying people will have a sad distressing end . I’ve never understood why our pets are not allowed to linger and suffer but our friends and relatives are .

It is utterly gutwrenching watching someone fade in front of your eyes. I totallly agree, it really isn't how we imagine it to be. When my mum was dying people used to say things like cherish every moment you have left, make some more memories etc etc. In reality, my mum felt shit, and there was nothing to cherish. No good moments left, no lovely memories to make, just utter despair and bleakness. We were just waiting for her to die. I remember being there one day when the district nurse came in and she said to mum see you tomorrow. My mum looked at her, rolled her eyes and said yes, tomorrow.....as if it was the last thing she wanted. She was such a beautiful wonderful selfless person and her ending was fucking shit, shit for her, and shit for us.

So sorry you are going through this, sending you big hugs.

I agree, MIL had stage 4 bowel cancer and I honestly lost track of the amount of times she told us she just wanted to die. It's just awful for everyone. People try and say the 'right thing', like the make memories etc, but as @Dozycuntlaters, that's much easier said than done.

Thanks for your comments. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

The making memories thing is so true. Some people have said that to us but relative just doesn't have the energy for anything like that now. They get up very late, eat little and take a long time to do most things. A nice day out somewhere just seems impossible and ridiculous. Even sitting chatting to us is getting more overwhelming.

They are literally just in a waiting room for death now, there's nothing glamorous or poignant about it.

So sorry you’re going through this.

I hope assisted dying will be made more available in years to come (asap).

My dear grandmother has been on the verge of death for about 10+ years. Living on in a nursing home but not quite ill enough to die. The sad truth is that it has wasted 10 years of my mum’s (her DD) life, visiting every day and sorting out the admin of it all and life being on pause & constant anxiety. She was 60 when this started and now she’s over 70 and starting to feel less active herself. There haven’t been happy ‘cherish every moment’ memories. There has been pain, resentment, huge expense, unimaginable admin, endless hospital appointments, adult nappies, accidents, falls, wheelchairs, boredom.

It is fucking awful - watching my father say goodbye to my H who was off to work abroad, a wedding brought forward while my father was still alive but a bag of bones looking 90 when he was 60, watching him cry at the wedding , the mental anguish you feel yourself for them - how do they feel? What are they thinking ? This continued for years . The sheer reality of drugs to try to keep them sedated towards the end and them coming around again. We need assisted dying.

I’ve felt like this with my Dad in the last few months. It was cruel watching his decline, bed bound and no quality of life in hospital/care home. It made me feel angry then upset. He was in no pain and at peace when he passed recently. I am so thankful for that but watching his decline made me exhausted and angry. I don’t want to think about how it made him feel 🥲

It is very difficult watching someone you love diminish knowing you can do nothing. I'm sorry to tell you, that when they eventually die, you go through it all again. Please make the most of the time you have left together, ask the questions, talk to them about their life, ask if they have any wishes, laugh, cry, take them out if they are up for it (don't discount borrowing a wheelchair), my loved one went to the seaside ten days before they died. Most of all cherish them.

So sad to hear your stories, it's so tough isn't it? My other relative who is the main carer is obsessing over how long he has left, partly to brace themselvs, partly to plan and feel like they have some control over this situation.