Who would you expect to act as next of kin?

[Holtome]

This is an entirely hypotherical situation and I realise there's no actual legal standing for next of kin, but a few things have happened in my life that have made me wonder what might happen in certain circumstances. So, by next of kin I mean the person who does all the running about if you're too sick to do it alone. The person who gets you to appointments, makes sure you're washed and fed, organises prescriptions etc, taks to social services if necessary.

Two scenarios. Someone who lives alone, has adult DC and a long standing but not live in DP, and elderly parents, some decent friends. All live nearby.

Same as above but no DC.

You are asking for a solution (presumably for your DP, as you have DC) that doesn't exist, unless you are prepared to do it for your DP.

Possibly he will maintain capacity for sufficient time to arrange his own carers or to move into a care home when the time comes.

It does though. When the attorney signs the LPoA form, they are committing to a legal duty. If they don't fulfil that duty, then the POA can be removed from them via the Court of Protection. If they abuse that duty then there are criminal consequences.

I've been an attorney for an elderly family friend. I'd barely seen her for 10 years, but she asked me to be her attorney as all her friends were older or already deceased and she had no spouse. It wasn't particularly onerous, far less onerous than executing a will IMO. But then I didn't need to fight for anything at all, once the medical team had agreed she would be treated symptomatically, they managed her pain relief excellently, and her care home managed her care very well. Pretty much all I did was make sure the bills were paid.

I don't expect ANY of those people to do those tasks for me op.

Short term (like if I broke my leg for example) I'd like to think I could ask each of them for a little support getting to appointments, shopping, doing a bit of housework etc.

Long term I wouldn't expect any permanent 'responsibility' - it's just not fair. Certainly not intimate care, even for a long term DP.

I've been the adult child in this situation and the resentment was awful. My mum refused to engage any outside support, including my siblings, despite me going through a rough divorce, new job, moving house etc etc.

You or your DP need to talk explicitly about your experience and expectations of future needs, and how you will address them. Sort out POA for finances AND SIMPLIFY YOUR AFFAIRS, ask if anyone will do POA for health. Attourneys can stand down, again there is no requirement for an attorney to fulfil their powers if they change their minds.

Think about future-proofing now - get the Uber app, simplify your banking. Get set up for online grocery shopping, online pharmacies, enquire about support groups and neighbourhood groups. DOWNSIZE. Declutter. Clear out the loft. Get rid of all the crap someone will chuck in the bin anyway after you've gone. Get a smaller car.

Yes all of that, but there still, unless we're very lucky, will be a period of decline.

DH was young and fit until he became ill. Then within months he was completely bedbound and in pain. It was a full time job trying to deal with medical professionals and social care, and it's OK to say there's no obligation to do that for someone, but he would have died, slowly, alone and in pain without it.

I don't know what the answer is, but it keeps me awake at night, bith the idea of it happening to me (and my DC feeling obliged) and to DP and me feeling the same.

I went through the battles with HCPs for months when my late DH was ill. I was in my 50s. I think when you are elderly, your spouse may well not be capable of doing that. Single people will probably not have anyone else to do it.
I did what I could for my DS when he was ill but I was 100 miles away, so simply could not help as I did for my DH.
I don't expect anyone else to advocate for me as I did for my DH. I would hope my DC would help a bit.

My situation is practically identical to this. If I was in this situation, I hope it would be a combination of DP, who doesn’t live with me and Ds2, 25, who lives with me.

Edited to add - by the above, I mean for short term issues. If I was incapacitated long term I would I expect to pay for my care.

@Holtome in a similar instance, though, finances allowing, your DC might well help look for a care home place for you in order that you were not alone in your final years. DM is more or less bedbound after a fall and went to a care home rather than to her house when she was released from hospital. At present, she has capacity but the home helps make her follow up appointments, book transport etc.

I'd work on the basis of availability, capability and confidence. So could be a partner, or a close friend - basically, the person you think has the skills to advocate for you, which may not be a relative. And, obviously, only with that person's agreement.

Op, I am divorced with two children (not quite adult) and a dm who is approaching 80. I have a long term not live in bf. In practical terms and from what I experienced when my ddad was in his last week's in hospital, it is a bit of a team effort. Dsis and I helped DM with organising and running around. This was practical especially as I lived close to my parents.

In practice for me, when my dc are old enough it may be them but if I am living with bf at that point it will be a collaborative effort. At the moment, I help my mum out with hospital appointments (she would do the same for me). I have also taken exh for hospital appointments etc in the past.

I would have thought it depends on your relationships with your DP/family. I mean you can’t make anyone do it but I would hope that someone close to you would be willing.

If not, I guess Social Services would assist where necessary.

OP, kindly, we can’t magic someone up for you. We don’t know the characters involved. You have the short list, and you obviously know what’s involved having done it for your DH. You have to think who would be most suitable and willing, and then have a conversation with them now, to see if they are willing. One person’s DC might be the person and for someone else it will be a friend. Sadly, plenty of people won’t have anyone and will be reliant on state provision.

Next of kin and power of attorney can be different people to whoever helps you day to day.

I accept I'll have to have carers if my dc's aren't on the doorstep.

This absolutely isn't true. The term 'next of kin' has no legal status and they are not able to make decisions on your behalf. Services (medical, social care etc) should talk to your relatives but they cannot make decisions for you unless they have the correct LPoA and it has been registered and activated.

The only exception to this is what is defined as 'nearest relative' under the Mental Health Act, but that applies only in the most limited circumstances for those detained under the act.

I’m a widow and this is why I will never have another man because I’m not caring or watching another partner die. Did it too young first time around and have no intention doing it again.

It seems like you are asking if you are ill who would take care of you. A next of kin has no responsibility to take care of you (do you have a next of kin?). You can ask for help and maybe it will be your local services that would do it.
Maybe as other people have suggested you sort an LPA for health and wellbeing and financial. In this you have to nominate people for specific roles (non of which are to care for you) but it might start a conversation.