Can you help me make peace with my new body

[ReconcileMe]

Warning: shallow self obsessed navel gazing thread.

I’m really struggling with the menopausal weight gain. It’s only 5kg (so far) and I am still within the healthy BMI range but it’s all on my stomach and I hate the rolls. Plus I find them uncomfortable when sitting.
I have been calorie counting and trying to keep in a deficit but my god it’s miserable.

I am very petite so a deficit for me is 1275kcal a day which is basically nothing. It also means that any excess weight shows.

I’ve kind of decided that I hate restricting food and I want to eat normally, but at the same time I’m really not happy with how I look with the extra weight. I don’t want go through the rest of my life worrying about food so I need to find some way to accept my flabby bits and to feel happy in my skin. Being skinny does not feel
better than good food tastes. Sorry Kate Moss.

It’s not about feeling hungry so much as wanting to eat all the delicious foods there are in the world without worrying about calories. I eat reasonably healthily normally, lots of veg and pulses, and I do enjoy healthy food but I also enjoy chocolate and tiramisu and bread and cheese and a ribeye steak. (If anyone suggests making tiramisu overnight oats or weetabix I may lose my shit. No, I do not want to eat an inferior version!). I’m not wanting to eat excessive amounts or only fatty foods, just a normal amount within a balanced diet. But I can no longer do this without gaining weight. So does anyone have any wisdom to share on self acceptance?

(Also wtf is the AI suggested title about??)

Thanks, I do eat a big breakfast which is high in protein (and fibre) anyway, it’s just how I’ve always eaten -lots in the morning, less as the day goes on- so good to hear that’s on the right track.

Thanks for all the helpful advice, I will download the app. Sorry to hear about your cancer, I hope you are doing ok.

I’ve taken a lot of comfort in strength training so although I am bigger I am also much much stronger which is very satisfying!

I also bought bigger, well fitting, good quality clothes. There’s nothing more depressing than squeezing into old clothes and it looks awful too.

Ive had quite a lot of success with tracking down my favourite pieces on Vinted but in the next size up!

Loads of messages about how to lose weight and/or up exercise, but how do you embrace an overweight body in order to enjoy the cakes, chocolate or steak and chips?
I don’t know how I do this, I just do. It’s just not that important to me to be thin.
My bmi is generally around 29/30. It would be nice to be thinner, I just enjoy the baguettes and the cheese and definitely the chocolate. I have made a choice. I know the consequences and I accept them.
I dress differently to my thin friends and try to accentuate the curves whilst disguising the belly.
I just am who I am when it comes to weight, take it or leave it.

Go keto - I eat steak, cream, cheese (all the cheese!) and lost 2 stone and kept it off for a year so far. I feel amazing! I’m 47.

I was pretty much like you, in terms of body frame size, putting on weight and physically busy in the day.

I had to change my diet for health reasons, so eating less carbs and sugar - I didn't make massive changes, just a bit less or cutting out the ones I really wasn't fussed about and adding a little extra veg. On top of my usual walking, work, housework, I took up hill walking (occasionally, but it's a 25% gradient) and took up a couple of full on exercise classes (Clubbercise - always wanted to try it, but didn't think a 56 year old would be capable!) - I lost the weight and a little more, but not only that I feel fitter than I ever have done - feel really well as well.

Hope you manage to make something work for you.

Have you tried either 5:2 or just having what you like but really be careful about portion size. So tirmasu but half a normal portion?

If I were you, I would start strength training as a priority - even if you hate it, lift heavy weights twice a week. Join a gym so it isn’t just dumbbells if you don’t like them, and the financial commitment forces you to show up for yourself. You need it for all sorts of reasons at our age, and it will really help with keeping the weight off and giving your body a shape you don’t hate.

I’d consider introducing a fasting window every day - I fast between 8pm and 12 noon, I don’t find it hard, and having an eating window helps restrict calories.

I’d diet 5 days a week, at a lower deficit than you are on. Say 1000-1100 calories a day. 400 calorie lunch, 600 calorie evening meal. Dull but doable. I eat a big chicken salad for lunch, or Greek yoghurt, chia seeds, fruit and granola with a green salad on the side, or homemade soups. Tasty, but repetitive. For snacks I’ll air fry Brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus or kale and season with chilli flakes, garlic, or lemon. A sprinkle of Parmesan. I have actually got my teenage son addicted to air fried green veg as a snack. We do not recognise ourselves.

And I’d eat whatever the fuck I wanted on the other two days of the week, within reason. Eat the steaks, drink the wine, have the bread roll.

I agree with this to some extent but also just look at the range of different body shapes out there. Not everyone carries excess weight the same. Plus I never had any excess weight on my stomach until I hit menopause. I really don’t eat a lot of sugar, and my fats tend to be healthier fats such as avocados, nuts, seeds, olive oil which I eat in moderation. I know fatty and sweet things are the examples I gave of things I like eating but that doesn’t mean I want to live off them or have them form the bulk of my diet, I just want to enjoy them sometimes and not to feel like I have to cut them out.

It’s one of the main reasons I find this so frustrating, I’ve never eaten lots of processed foods or fatty stuff and I’m by no means a couch potato. Although I don’t currently do proper workouts apart from my yoga classes once or twice a week I do walk at least 4miles a day, sometimes double that (at a reasonable speed), at work (3 days) I am on my feet for 7 hours and lifting and carrying crates of 10-15kg. I walk to the supermarket and carry heavy shopping home. I spend one of my days off cleaning and gardening for a relative. My own home is large and requires a lot of cleaning and diy. I have children I am taking here there and everywhere at weekends. I honestly don’t sit down apart from to eat until 8/9pm. Nothing changed in my diet or activity yet my stomach grew rolls seemingly overnight and I gained 5kg in six months. I am walking slightly less at the moment (still doing the 4miles a day) as I used to do a couple of 10km hikes a week but my hips and knees are agony if I do that now so I have been doing 5km walks on more even ground instead.

Sorry that turned into a big rant, I’m not directing it at you I’m just incredibly frustrated.

Exercise increases the amount you can eat overall and specific ones can help with the areas of concern. Personally though I’m taking the whole cares approach and having a good life rather than worrying about staying a size 10-12

@SkipAd. I’ve found my tribe! Life is too short to skip the steak and wine. I know too many ultra healthy people (running marathons etc) who haven’t made it out of their 50’s due to one condition or another, so my opinion is I’m enjoying mine!

I don’t exactly know what the answer is because I’ve found the only way I can lose weight is by cutting my calories to 1200 and under per day… and I’m 5’8 🫠😅 I do also have PCOS though which I think is the main issue. Either way, it’s a bit shit isnt it? Just wanted to commiserate really.
I don’t know if it would be workable for you, maybe not, but I did a slightly rejigged 5:2 diet with reasonable success. I ate under 500 calories two days a week, under 1200 three days and normally (but naturally a little more ‘consciously’ iyswim) two days a week. And low carb. Can never say enough good about low carb… but that pasta just draws me back in 😂

I've concluded that unfortunately it's a stark choice for people of my age and stage (post menopause) - eat what you like and be larger than you want, vs. permanently restrict your eating to be the weight that you want. There is no halfway house, any compromise results in slow weight gain.

Hey, I completely understand where you're coming from.

It doesn't seem fair that we have to work so hard just to be on track.

I hear you!

I'm not saying my personal trainer is the oracle and font of all knowledge, but she does echo what a lot of other professionals say about "healthy fats" which is that we need to use them as an anchor for satiety but they still need reduced if we have excess abdominal fat.

So, avocados, nuts, olive oils are to be used minimally, until we we achieve our desired body composition. Then, we can gradually re-introduce these into our maintenance plan.

Abdominal fat is apparently always the last fat to go. So, it will go, but it takes more time and even more effort. I have taken her instruction and, I hate to say it, but she was correct.

Before I was with her, I lifted 3x/week, walked 15k-20k steps a day (I quit running due to impact on joints etc) and wasn't losing belly fat.

I listened to her and the belly is gone but the weight is the same.

All of that to say, I don't think anyone thinks you're lazy!!!

Wine is my biggest downfall. I love wine (more than I love most people) but it doesn't do me any favours for my body comp even though I have the driest wine available to minimise sugars.

That's just one of the sacrifices I chose to make for a "leaner" look.

I hate not having bread, cake, wine etc but I tell myself it's that or a belly!

I'm sure the time will come when I'm okay with the belly! In fact, I'm tempted every time the sun is out or it's a weekend!

Cut out carbs up the proteins and eat within short window. 10-5pm. Not eating after 6pm had made a massive difference to me. At the weekend or for special events I relax this.

Another one who feels your pain. I hit 46 and put on 6 kilos in 6 months while doing absolutely nothing different. I was underweight (very restrictive eating and lots of exercise) and so I think it was partly my body just moving back to a more normal weight and also perimenopause. But I felt my body change day by day - more fat on my arms (which were always very skinny), on my thighs and bum. I had never experienced this before. It was very very depressing. I continued to eat very healthily and exercised a lot (mainly cardio). I then went on HRT and this helped a lot. I now have much less body fat but my boobs are bigger which makes me feel larger and I am still heavier than I was. But I have started serious weight lifting which has made a big difference. I feel stronger and it complements the cardio. I have come to accept that bodies change and I don’t want to spend the next 50 years worrying constantly about what I eat. I am still very careful with my eating but I have a good breakfast, I have chocolate and I eat out. I agree, being skinny is not better than food tastes. It really isn’t. I could lose all the weight if I really cut down my food but my little treats, my weekend takeaway, is what makes the daily grind bearable. Can you imagine never being able to have pasta or bread or rice or chocolate? How boring. The other trigger for me is the GLPs that everyone seems to be using in Hollywood to manage middle aged weight gain. It really is hard to see all the Hollywood celebs with super skinny bodies. But I know GLP1s aren’t a sustainable solution and would simply mean I would lose weight but then gain it again when I came off them and that regaining the weight would be even worse than trying to cope with the extra 5 or 6 kilos now. So my advice would be focus less on the food and get into exercise as much as you can. It’s a game changer and makes you feel fitter, stronger and is so important as we age.

If you can find a spare £100ish, you could get a private appointment for HRT. That’s what I did, had the prescription within a couple of days.

I’m mostly doing well thank you - if I eat well! I do seem to have to follow the advice in the app which is around macros and eating more earlier in the day (you’ll only access it via full paid version.)

I am very hypermobile too so resistance training is imperative and I hate the gym. I had to find a way to grab and get on with it.

For me personally the app gives a really clear structure with videos and timers to follow and can be linked to a calendar (or you can pause it a copy the lessons to what ever day you want). I wouldn’t do it otherwise - I needed a structure.

PH has x3 strength sessions per week and x2 hiit/ sit sessions per week (I usually only manage 3-4 a week, and just roll it on that way.) Each one is 1 hr or a shorter 30/40 min option is given. You can also access lots of zoom interviews and leaflets about nutrition that are held on the app. For a one off payment i think it’s worth it. And you can do the whole course again and again, with heavier weights etc. Or move onto other plans (I quite like the express one now.)

There will be other apps though; Sally Gunnel has a course I think and this woman is ace

I love this. I just wish you could tell me how!

Thanks all I really do appreciate all the advice on what/how to eat. At the moment I don’t want to do that, I’ve been watching what I eat for a while now and it’s making me miserable. Not allowing myself another bit of bread with my soup, not having a chocolate, saying no to pudding when I do want it, choosing meals out based on calories rather than what I actually want…That’s not how I want to live the rest of my life. I have read and absorbed all of the advice though and will bear it in mind for if I change my mind.

Upping the exercise may be doable, as you say more for future proofing, but I’m not too worried about my heart and bone health with my current activity level and what I lift/carry in day to day life. Obviously lifting weights will target specific muscle groups more rather than just loading my skeleton by carrying stuff. It’s just finding the time and inclination to actually do it, and then actually doing it!

@SassyButClassy thank you so much for understanding where I’m coming from and not taking offence at my big rant as a reply to your post.

Sorry for the disjointed posts, I am typing them little bits at a time in between other stuff so apologies if they don’t make sense!

Well I have made it out of mine (recently turned 60) relatively unscathed so I am sticking with the enjoyment of food and wine.