What rules do you have for your adult student living at home?
DH and I had very different student experiences. I was (I think) fairly typical of an 18 yr old, straight from school, student of the 1990s. I lived in a flat, drank a lot (way too much), smoked cigarettes socially and smoked dope most weekends, usually with my flatmates stoner boyfriend and his mates. Some of us had jobs, I didn’t except during holidays, and was funded by my parents / student grant. We all got our degrees and went on to become responsible upstanding members of society.
DH, by contrast, left school at 15 and got a good job, but was made redundant in the recession. He carried on working but went back to uni as a mature student, got his degree including taking out loans as his parents couldn’t afford to fund him. He moved in with his girlfriend in first year and really didn’t do the partying thing at all because he couldn’t afford to, and because he’s quite sensible compared to me tbh.7
fast forward to now, we live in France and have an 18 yr old who’s started uni this year and is living at home (this is quite normal here, most of his friends are still at home as well). We are struggling a bit as to what is acceptable for a student living at home, finding the balance. In theory he’s an adult so can do what he likes - but he’s also living under our roof and largely funded by us.
As far as I can see, DS is studying enough to get by (he’s not very enthusiastic about his subject and may change - also normal here), but he’s passing his exams so far. He runs, goes to the gym, has a nice girlfriend who is very studious and stays over here occasionally. He is pretty good company at home - chatty and helpful when asked. He’s learning to drive. He does stay out late maybe 1-2 times per week but always answers texts if I happen to be up for a pee at 3am and notice he’s not there. He stays local (all his friends live in the neighbourhood where we have lived since he was born, he’s very streetwise locally). His room is a tip 🙄 He doesn’t drink much - a pint here or there, it’s just not a big thing for them and it’s really expensive.
On the negative side, we are almost certain sure he vapes and smokes joints when he’s out. He’s pretty careless with the evidence - leaving lighters and papers in his trouser pockets 🙄. Idk how much or how often. It doesn’t seem to affect his daily functioning - we still see lots of him, watching tv together and eating together several times a week.
DH completely disapproves. He’s never smoked a cigarette in his life, much less a joint. He really resents the DS is spending the (modest sums of) money we give him on this. I’m a bit more relaxed, while telling him I disapprove of the vapes which I think are disgusting. On the joints… 🤷♀️ he never smokes them at home, only out with friends.
Can we actually call the shots here - over what he does outside the home, in his own time, with money we have given him? I tend to think not 🤷♀️