Suddenly devastated at how shy and invisible I have been

[winniei]

I have always been incredibly quiet and socially anxious. Very low self-esteem. Afraid of doing anything wrong, of taking up space, of being in someone's way, of being a burden. All of my actions are led from the belief that I am a burden and every situation is improved by me not being there. There are elements of my upbringing that explain this but it still seems like a huge over-reaction on my part to have self-esteem this low. I've never known anyone like me.

There's been a few situations where I realise how people really baby me because of it. It's with kindness but I feel really pathetic and embarrassed about it. An example is a friend wanted me to travel to visit them and said 'you can bring your Mum of course' as if it was a given I'd need my Mum with me for support. Another example is at the hairdressers the hairdresser always presses me when I say I don't want a drink as apparently I never want a drink as I don't want to be a burden, which is true but makes me embarrassed how obvious it is. The senior director at work once pulled me out for a meeting and spent the entire time saying how I need to have more confidence in myself. Countless well-meaning teachers, colleagues, friends over the years have said similar.

I just feel so sad thinking about it all today. I was watching Little Women earlier and there's a line where she says 'don't go quietly, fight! please fight to the end, be loud. don't just quietly go away' and it really struck me that my life is quiet and small and in a few decades I will just 'quietly go away'. I can't stop thinking about it

I can relate - I was like this. I'm now 50 and for the last 10 years I have done a lot of therapy, and focussed a lot on self development. I also left my marriage (of 20 years) where I had to "play small". I have now really changed, and although I still feel low self esteem from time to time, I am so much more confident.

It can be very difficult when we suddenly see our lifelong patterns of behaviour that have been keeping us stuck, but it can also be a bit of a wake up call! Have you ever had any type of therapy?

i had no confidence until peri menopause kicked in and it changed me.

much stronger now.

re hairdressers “not just now but maybe later on thanks” might be a better answer to shut them up than a refusal.

Only you can change this. Start by signing up to some therapy.
If you can do it, try and force yourself to start saying yes to things you would normally say no to. Like the drink at the hairdressers. You need to train yourself that it’s ok to say yes to things.

I know someone exactly like you: my sister in law. She could have written the first paragraph of your post.

What age are you? what stage of life? Do you have a partner or children?

My SIL has been on diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and prescribed anti anxiety for many years.

I can’t say of either of them have ‘stuck’ but these are options that you can try. A lot of the time she manages to pull her big girls pants up and get in with things, but it’s hard still to value herself.

you refer only in passing to your childhood issues: the key is probably in there somewhere. I know it is for SIL.

You say you have good friends and a job so you must be doing something right. You are absolutely not a burden, I'll bet no one else sees you that way.

I believe it's something that can be worked on. I'm confident socially, but can be a people pleaser. Its not the same thing at all I know, but I find if I focus on one little change and make myself do it the next time will be easier. Each little achievement brings your confidence up a bit so it's an upward curve all the time. It's so trivial but I remember the turning point for me was asking a friend for something back that she borrowed, I was tying myself up in knots and wanted to just forget about it. But I forced myself to say the words and it was of course no big deal, she had forgotten and returned the item immediately. I realised it was OK, she didn't dislike me or think any different. It started from there for me.

I think this is a case of fake it til you make it. Pretend you are just acting and act as someone important. People will respond differently. When the hairdresser offers you a drink take it, it's part of the service. You dont have to drink it. Take it and be thankful and make eye contact. Then next time it will be easier. Mentally document each little win, the more you achieve the more you'll believe you deserve it.

I have a dd who is a bit like this. Do you feel you can overcome this now?

Also what do you think would have helped you when you were younger?

Who wants a drink at the hairdressers? Bits of other peoples' hair flying around, chemical sprays left and right, arms under a voluminous gown. Just no! Seems sensible to say no for those reasons, never mind being a burden.

I know that's really not the point, but bear in mind that it's acceptable to say no for other reasons too (in general, not just this example).

Watch “The Other Bennet Sister” on iplayer. A good tonic after Little Women.

Even if your life was loud, you are on the planet for a blink of an eye. Very few people make a permanent impression on history.

I have always loved the spirit of communities like native Americans who have a “touch the earth gently” philosophy. A small quiet life is really quite a beautiful thing, as long as you are content and do no harm. My mum had a small quiet Christian life, she was quite simply wonderful - she did a lot of volunteering, she was never recognised for that as she never led anything or pioneered anything. She simply lived, loved, died. Many people were devastated at her passing, she would probably not have realised how cherished she was.

Who cares about coffee in the hairdressers? Shrug it off.

I was a very quiet child but I had incredibly loud parents and siblings and am from a huge family, six children. So it was very easy to get lost in that atmosphere . I was also quite unwell as a child and had a few years where I was in and out of hospital. Once I left home I totally changed, mine was more I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. Mine just needed a change of circumstances, you would probably do well to have some counselling. This isn’t about becoming the life and the soul of the party, that’s not needed it’s just about being able to express your needs and wants.

Are you actually unconfident or is it more that you are quite, so communicate less noticeably and assertively?

Question is, what is confidence anyway?

Is the issue you describe not rather an interaction and communication issue, where you don't project loudly or assertively enough? It sounds like you are successful professionally and have friends? Were your parents encouraging or overly strict?

Honestly OP, this just seems like another stick you’re using to beat yourself for not being good enough. The only way to improve your self esteem is to decide you are no less worthy or valuable than everyone else. So you have been shy and lacking confidence - so what? Better than being an arrogant arsehole.

Perhaps start a new habit every evening - 3 things I like about myself, 3 things I am proud of myself for, 3 things that made me happy today.

Stop being so mean to yourself.

Please please please try therapy. I started it recently and it's changed my life and now I've mentioned it to a few friends I've been surprised how many of them have tried it too. Sounds like you've had a waking up moment, which is really positive. What you have is a really common problem and it's totally fixable.

Well, use that sadness to change how you are. It’s perfectly possible with effort. A lot of effort. Which has to begin by unpicking your be,rig that you’re less worthy than anyone else.

You seem to be horrified that other people notice the obvious effects of your belief that you’re a burden. Of course they do. You exist in the world the same as anyone else. You might not like it, but trying to make yourself small and invisible doesn’t actually make you invisible.

Therapy as a starting point, OP.

Sounds like you could really benefit from therapy. something possibly happened in your formative years which made you feel it’s ‘safer’ to remain passive and invisible. It would be good for you to understand and explore that.

“No thanks I’ve just had one “at the hairdresser

Some CBT might help you as you sound like you’re stuck in a negative thinking pattern and the harder you are on your self the worse you feel which in turn makes your behaviour worse.

It can be exhausting overthinking your place in this world . But you come across as a fully functioning person in society with a job , friends, family and even a hairdresser that you go to regularly . I too have felt like a burden so I do the fake it thing . Was led to believe that I was " difficult" just because I didn't always want to join in some activities or social events. I am always then amazed when people say something kind or invite me because they want me .

What sort of therapy though?

Most people start with CBT but I'd recommend you perhaps try that with a therapist that has experience of other types of therapy too, if you can. After some CBT there may be things you want to go deeper on, on a more open ended basis. If you can privately fund it that's great as NHS waiting lists are terrible. I pay £50 a session to a BABCP accredited therapist at my local therapy centre, but I'm not in London.

Growth means outgrowing the person you’ve previously been. I understand feeling sad or regret for how you have been perceived and experienced the world, but if you’ve now grown beyond that it’s a good thing. Maybe this realisation is the start of a shift.

With your embarrassment, I wondered if it might be helpful to hear that if someone is noticing you being a bit cautious, it might be because it reminds them of themselves. Probably pushy, insensitive people won't notice as much, so when someone does notice, it's often a kindred spirit, and meant with kindness, as you say.
Lots of people are uncomfortable with a sense of being perceived though and if discomfort relates to this, you can reflect on it a bit if you do have therapy.