Perimenopause making me resent how hard I chased him early on

[Moonme]

I’ve been with my DH since we were 19 and 20. Now both in mid 40s.
We have 2 kids, good jobs, nice house all the things we ever wanted when younger.
Since turning 44 I’ve started to feel different about the early part of our relationship. I totally adored him from the beginning and chased him a lot. He was pretty much one of the examples of ‘he’s just not that in to you’ but we I wanted him very badly and eventually we got together.
Now I’m in perimenopause I’m like why the fuck did you chase him so hard…
If the me now was is that situation I’d have told him to do one. Anyway this has never bothered me before and we’ve had years of being together (he’s very loyal, not the most affectionate and has a different way of showing love to me) but I’ve started framing things in those early days and feel annoyed that I did that and it’s making me annoyed at him in the present day.
Any suggestions of how I fix this?

Kindly. Get a grip. You are not the person you were 20 years ago but you became the person you are now because of who you were then so cut her some slack and stop judging her by your higher standards.

Dont blame everything on perimenopause either, it’s tedious. Just own that you’re being petty and stop it. Move forward and enjoy the life you have together.

I’m not blaming perimenopause but as my hormones drop I’m losing the ability to mould myself as much to others and this feels part of that!

And I’m not judging… I think you may have misread my post! I feel sad that I did that

I think you have to accept that the teenage you wanted him badly. It’s not his fault, and you can’t blame him for your behaviour and choices 20 years later.

This went on for a few years so I wasn’t just a teen. There was a certain level of indifference he had in the early years and we only really stayed together because I put in the work

Yes, I look back now and wonder why I my standards were so low and I was so keen on pursuing men who didn’t care about me.

It’s one of the great gifts of peri/menopause being freed from caring so much about other people’s approval.Im so grateful for it.

You can’t change the past but maybe try to reframe it by having compassion for the young woman you were, who was doing her best with what she knew at the time.

You can’t get angry at this, it’ll eat you up. Different ages, different hormones, different drivers.

You chased him because you were a young driven woman who probably wanted the sex and maybe unbeknownst to you consciously the babies that brings.
You wouldn’t do it now because your hormones are different and you have low tolerance for men’s foibles generally, plus you got what you wanted.

He didn’t chase you because he was a typical man - fairly open to whatever happens. Go with the flow.
Not sure it means anything bigger than that.

I think we all do things in the early stages of a relationship that might not be indicative of how we would actually want to behave long-term.

I would say that I was your husband in our relationship and my husband pursued me and I was absolutely not into him at first, but he kept turning up (actually very out of character based on what I know about him now!) and eventually I agreed to go out with him.

When I mentioned it to my husband,in the context of feeling a hit bad about it, he just said 'I knew we were right for each other - I don't hold it against you for being a bit slow on the uptake.'

I don't know if that helps - it made me feel quite different about the early days of our relationship and how he viewed it. Maybe you just need to think about how it turned out rather than how it started.

And it sounds like you did see something in him that he didnt realise would make you compatible long term - you were right!!

You can't change what you did in the past so you really need to let it go - it's unfair that you feel annoyed with your husband because you chose to chase him in the early days. If he's a good husband and you love each other, why let how you behaved in the beginning of your relationship interfere with the here and now?

Rumination, another peri issue, so much we all should have done differently...
You chased him, your annoyed at yourself, own it, see a therapist, talk it out. It will probably be really helpful for other issues your brain will bounce to if you deal with this. Many things will be his fault, your actions though, are not.

Ruminating is all part and parcel of the menopause.

In all honesty, I nearly drove myself mad as I was 41, young baby and had no idea I was menopausal.

I totally feel out of love with my exdp, couldn't comprehend what I seen in him, it was like waking up and suddenly understanding why people were always so surprised when they met my exdp.

I wouldn't have had dc if I knew then what I know now and literally regret every life decision I ever made.

But I can't change my past and all I can control is my future.

Your going through a process, don't fight it and I promise you, it will pass.

I thought you were going to say you regret chasing him so hard as it set the tone for the whole relationship - you doing all the heavy lifting and him being hands-off.

But from what I can gather you're happy in the relationship, so I wonder if this is about something else.

Do you feel upset you acted in a way that you now see as undignified? Are you sad for your younger self that she wasn't equally sought after, as in you regret never having been chased by him?

Could be worth a few sessions with a therapist, in case it causes issues in a basically decent relationship.

My DD is like this at the moment. To my menopausal mind the things she does are batshit but I guess can be seen as very romantic if we’re being charitable. Again the men involved seem to put in a lot less effort. Wonder if they are worried about being accused of ‘lovebombing’. She makes romantic photo books, writes poems and songs for them, gifts, surprise weekends away etc etc