Would it be unfair to invite only some of the girls?

[SocialSkills00]

Planning DC birthday party.

DC in a small school, 17 kids in class. 9 boys 8 girls.

For Reception/ Years 1 & 2 I hosted whole class birthday parties. Many but not all other people did the same.

Now in Y3, DC doesn’t play with the boys (and hasn’t been invited to any boys’ parties this academic year), so I’m happy to leave the boys out the picture.

That leaves the 8 girls (including my DC).

There’s 4 of the girls where I hear from the parents, DC has been invited to play dates at their houses or to their past parties.

Then there’s 3 who have never invited DC to play in the past 4 years, and have either not hosted parties or at least not invited my DC. They have all been to my DC’s previous parties and they have all been to play at my house. But no reciprocation.

I’m naturally a very inclusive person and hate leaving people out, especially kids.

I’d prefer a smaller party due to cost and now parties are “drop-and-go” I’d prefer to only be responsible for 5 kids than 8.

But am I being mean to not invite these 3 kids? They’re only kids and it’s not their fault their parents don’t host stuff.

Or am I being a mug for continuing to invite them when there’s been zero reciprocation.

(As far as I can tell there is no particular obvious reason for them not to host play dates / parties - all live in nice spacious houses, all two parent families with just one or two kids etc)

Do you know what your dc wants or is it that they don’t mind either way? I’d invite unless there’s an obvious dislike or if they’ve never interacted in school at all

You’ve forgotten to mention what your DD wants

Surely it's up to your child??

If they are your DD friends then invite them. If they are not then don’t.
Not all kids have parties or play dates with school friends so wouldn’t take that personally. Some children have parties every year, some don’t. They are expensive and personally I prefer a family day out to an attraction.

DC regards everyone as her friend which doesn’t help

So let her invite them!

I wouldn’t make the decision based on whether or not you feel generally mugged off by lack of reciprocity. I completely understand not wanting to host 8 children and hoping to keep it small, but that should be based on friendships.

Given that your DD sees them as friends, I'd invite all the girls. Inviting 5 girls might be ok if it was a big class. But if you exclude 3 out of 8 girls it doesn't reflect well on you IMO.

I live in an affluent area and if you were here, people would probably assume that you can't afford a bigger party and you might be on the receiving end of some snobbery, unfortunately.

If your DD sees all the girls as her friends, I think you should invite them all. The fact that your DD has not been invited to their house may have more to do with the parents' attitude than the strength of your DD's friendship with the girls. You may inadvertently be excluding a girl who sees your DD as her best friend.

I assumed you meant dc isn’t friends with them and your dilemma was just if you can leave such a small number of girls out, even if dc isn’t their friend. I was on the fence then, but If dc actually thinks they’re her friends then I’d invite them. I don’t think there’s even a question there tbh.
If your only reason for not inviting them is worrying their parents are getting one over on you, that isn’t really enough to leave them out I don’t think, as frustrating as it is.

Invite the 5 girls, it isn’t just about what DC want it’s what works for you too.

I think them not reciprocating for play dates isn’t a good way of judging whether you invite them. Some parents might not be able to facilitate it, other stresses at home etc. I feel like you’re being quite harsh. And not all kids have birthday parties.

I think it’s fine to just invite the 4 girls (so 5 total). It’s just over half so feels inclusive enough and I agree there’s enough of a difference in parent load of a party of 5 vs a party of 8.

I don't think leaving out 3 girls out of 8 will feel at all inclusive to the three who have been left out! It would be different if inviting "just over half" meant inviting 9 out of 16 or 8 out of 15. But the small numbers involved mean things are going to play out differently here. The small number of girls in the class will mean they all know who has been invited and who hasn't. It's pretty much inevitable that the party will be talked about in front of the three non-invitees. The OP doesn't appear to have made any attempt to understand the actual friendship dynamics at school and is instead basing invitations on the behaviour of the girls' parents. That could lead to particular hurt if a closer friend of the DD is excluded in favour of a less close friend whose mum is more into organising playdates. I feel the OP is rather dropping her DD in it, as it may be her DD who ends up being seen as the bad guy for not inviting X, Y and Z.

Don’t exclude and nit pic for the sake of 3 girls fgs! That is terrible. There might be disadvantages at home which is why they don’t host. Leaving them out is just mean.

I think it’s fine not to invite them, but I wouldn’t base it on their parents reciprocation of play dates and parties. If you knew they had hosted parties and/or play dates and left out your child that would be different. It’s not the kids fault they got shit parents. However it’s fine to limit the party to 5 children and tell your daughter to pick her top 4/5 whatever and if she picks those kids great and if not equally great

If you knew they had hosted parties and/or play dates and left out your child that would be different

they have indeed hosted things and not invited DC

I think selecting 4 out of 7 is just at the point of being OK, particularly as the other 3 have also been selective.