Strategies for coping with toxic in-laws when your husband will not help

[Aaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh]

• I have a DH problem. I have not divorced him as he is so toxic I am fearful of any level of shared custody (in Europe, but not in the UK where I think I would definitely have sole custody). The thought of him and some horrific members of his family spending time alone with DC keeps me trapped.
• There is also a really nice branch of the family and I foster a relationship with them and between them and DC. I get on well with my own family.

Please let me know strategies for dealing with really awful in-laws. Stuck up, racist, judgemental, ignorant, spend their time drinking and flying into filthy rages. SIL has diagnosed MH issues but has been sheltered at home (pushing 50), is desperately malicious and calls the shots. I have been flown at. DC has been flown at - I defended and was raged at. pIL will fly off the handle too. Husband toxic and will lie and say I am the one who is the problem, I am the one drunk (I don’t drink), I was the one shouting (when it is SIL and I am literally silent in fear and working out how to get DC away).

Anyway, we sometimes have to visit them or them visit us. Thankfully rare even though we live nearby. If I refuse or refuse to let DC go husband flares up and threatens to take DC alone. If I am ‘positive’ about going we visit them about once a year and they visit us about once a year.

SIL is creepy towards my husband (her brother). Lots of kiss emojis when messaging, lots of weird huggjng, makes a ‘date’ with him on my birthday. Weird around DC - they have strategies to put a stop to it/move away. Meddles constantly and really maliciously- says horrible things and constantly interferes in our relationship and my parenting (based on outright lies that are clearly possible to disprove). I started divorce proceedings and it did get DH to stop acting on the malicious meddling from SIL, but he is a wet lettuce who won’t drawer any boundaries. I won’t go through with it because the precedents here will keep involvement even though his behavior has been documented as horrific. The whole thing is a bl**dy awful mess.

Any tips for dealing with absolutely awful in-laws? A toxic husband means the normal boundaries, support and united front are not there.

1. Not getting tired before their visits or visiting them is a big one. Makes it so much easier to cope.
2. Helping DC know it is not their fault and to have strategies in place.
3. Keeping a good relationship with the nice branch of the family.

How do I not get wound up by DH when he deliberately provokes on the way to visits? There is no point reasoning with him.

Anything else from anyone who has been in this situation?

It would help if you said how old your children are

Yes I’ve been there.

i pretty much stood guard over my kids. Stayed with them at all times unless they were asleep.
took food and drink of our own as in laws didn’t beleive in allergies.

just ignored dh and focused on making sure kids ok.

Late primary. @WhistPie They see the reality and don’t want to visit. DH blames me, even when SIL will be raging behind the door and we can’t see PIL.

So sorry @Octavia64 It is utterly exhausting. PIL would ignore any safety boundaries I had. SIL goes out of her way - not sure if she is deliberately trying to risk DC or just make me uncomfortable. I feel like they have stolen Christmas.