WWYD divorce settlement AND holiday childcare

[Abcdefg1234567abcdefg]

Hi, I am interested in opinions on the below, especially if you have experienced similar with divorce financial settlement, narcassistic ex and holiday arrangements when the ex has a girlfriend.

I am going through a divorce with an ex who I believe is a covert narcassist. It is 4 years since we seperated.

I have to tread very carefully around him as if I 'upset' him he makes divorce harder and coparenting harder.
We attended an FDR court hearing recently and the judge gave a fair suggestion which was financially heavier in my favour due to my chronic health issues, low earning capacity and I mostly have the children. My ex is point blank refusing to take FDR suggestion into consideration.
We are trying to negotiate between ourselves currently, but he is totally ignoring a huge financial part of the settlement that the judge and I feel is fair. There are emails going back and forth between us. We have solicitors but they've cost a fortune so far.

Firstly, WWYD, would you cut your loses financially for the sake of your health and take less from the divorce settlement? This means I'll struggle more financially to get a home for me and our 3 children and I'll struggle more financially in the future, but I'll be safer and hopefully mentally stronger if this can be over sooner. It has hugely affected my health so far.

Second WWYD: last year, my ex told me I couldn't have the week in the summer that I wanted to have our children for holiday because his girlfriend wanted that week. I was so upset but in the end I let them have that week. I didn't go away with my children in the end as I couldn't afford it as the other weeks were more expensive. This year he has done the same thing and said him and his girlfriend want that same, cheaper summer week to take the children abroad. Do I just go along with it and say yes so that I don't rock the boat with divorce?? Or do I stand up for myself and say I want that cheaper week this year (it's my turn to have priority), but know that he will make my life and divorce settlement terms harder??

Thanks in advance for your comments.

you do it so that one year he has the cheap week and the next year you have it.....same with Xmas and New Year - you either split the day in half or you each get one on alternating years.

Speak with chat gpt as to how to word a messsge / email / letter so it’s logistically fair and lay out your own mental health balance now with future finance wellbeing

Thanks @Mamma1982 , I've recently started to use Chat gpt which has been helpful. Unfortunately my ex ignores anything reasonable. Just don't know whether to cut my loses financially to save my mental wellbeing. Thanks for your reply.

I think you need to agree some basic ground rules around such things and then at the start of the year - either school year or calendar year - have a conversation/email exchange to agree which weeks you're both having of the school holidays.

I think it would depend on how much of a difference there is in what he wants to pay and what Court has suggested. If you are going to be in a better place mentally, with a lower settlement, nobody will judge you.

I’ve been in a similar situation divorce-wise but (fortunately for me) not from a narc. Do you have a lawyer? Because really you need to ask them and they should be pushing on your behalf for the settlement to be skewed in your favour financially. He also needs to pay CM.

Regarding that week in the summer, if you want it specifically because it’s always cheaper, then there is strong argument that you should have it if you’re the lower earner - if he feasibly COULD go away another time with them while you can only do it then, you should have it. If you feel that is too much to ask then definitely ask to alternate.

The most important thing to remember is that he can’t have things both ways - I’m paraphrasing my own solicitor now but I remember her saying, if you aren’t going to do much childcare then it will cost you. Essentially if you have the kids most of the time and therefore can’t work as much, his CM will be higher. When it comes to splitting assets the lower earner gets more bc it’s about securing the future for both of you - for obvious reasons the person who has the kids has less earning power.

I do understand what you mean about throwing in the towel bc you’re tired but I would advise you to think of future you, who will thank the current version of you for making sure she gets what she deserves. He’ll give you bare minimum unless you push. This should be a job for a solicitor though. Good luck. Xxxx

Hi @PenelopeChipShop , thanks for your reply. I do have a solicitor, but she is so expensive that I really don't know if it's worth the cost. Perhaps if I 'gave in' and took less than I could get at a final hearing, then it would all be over quicker and I could move on. It's so difficult to know what to do. Good to hear opinions from other people.

He does pay CM although even that is questionable as he only bases CM on his full time shift job and suspiciously earns basically nothing in his 2 side businesses! I could query it, but because he is narcissistic, the backlash wouldn't be worth it for me.

I will definitely get more of the financial split. It's just a huge stress fro me to keep fighting and go to final hearing in July or to accept less (still more than 50%) on his terms and move mine and my children's lives on sooner. The stress is really impacting my chronic illnesses. I worry that I'll never be able to increase my working hours again due to the chronic fatigue. On the other hand, I wonder if I will start to recover once the divorce is over and I can move away from the family home (he moved in with his parents).

I agree that we should take turns on priority dates each year. Even approaching that with him will make him angry. I sometimes wonder whether to have a polite conversation with his girlfriend in the hopes that she will understand herself as a mother. He won't allow us to meet though. I'm told by his family that's because he doesn't want her to know why I left him!

Thanks to everyone for all of your comments- i really appreciate it!

Just say no and allow it to go to the judge for settlement. Why would you bend over backwards when he’s completely unable to be reasonable ?

you literally need the money

I would pick your battles the less communication the better I have found. For instance I tag a holiday onto end of term it could be any time in the school year. Definitely keep fighting for the money as you are entitled to it.

Do you have to keep going back and forth? I’m not experienced in this, but can you just say something like the FDR / judge recommends XYZ and so that’s what I’m going to agree to.
if you don’t then that’s fine, nothing more to communicate about until court in July.

also giving in over last summers holiday has proven that giving in gets you nowhere as he’s pushing for the same this year and will continue to do so. He’s proven he’ll never be fair so don’t give on the financials or the holiday split as you’ll be worse off than you should be and always in this position.

Hi @MimiSunshine , we don't have to keep sending emails back and forth to try to negotiate. I guess I hoped he would see sense and settle before the final hearing, but the hard reality is that he will never go with the judge's opinion. I think I may need to accept that he isn't going to be fair or listen to expert opinion. If he behaved badly during marriage, it makes sense that he will behave badly during divorce. Sigh!

Thank you everyone for your comments. It is so helpful to read the opinions of other people.

He absolutely won’t be. You know the saying, “Never wrestle with a pig: You both get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

that’s what’s happening here. He likes the power trip, he likes you trying to be fair, he seems you compromising as him winning. Every little victory over you when anyone else would see it as give and take is something he finds glee in.

You need to let go of the rope. Just shut him off and go with the judge. Also it’s a hard no to him calling the shots on holidays. You need to alternate and get a parenting agreement (or something) that documents your time.

I woukd decide what the least is financially that I would accept. Would that figure be one that would bring this to an end? If not then you've no choice but to carry on fighting.