Sleep or lack of it

[Pickle12383]

My 8yr old almost 9 year old DD is causing us some sleep deprivation
Each evening she goes to bed around 8pm in a room she shares with her 10 year old sister.
She goes to bed no problem at all but more often than not wakes and gets in to our bed maybe 3 to 4 hours later.
I have tried taking her back to her own bed numerous times, calmy... and in all honesty sometimes not so calmly but she screams cries and shouts waking her other two sisters up as well as our next door neighbour who can hear the screams through the wall.
This goes on and on until she gets her own way, where she falls asleep with no issues beside us.

During the day i have asked her why she does this and what we can do to get her in her own bed but she just says she does not know.
Bribery and star charts have not worked.
The calm approach hasnt worked and the stern approach hasnt worked.

We are all utterly exhausted

I feel like a useless mother

someone please help

Provided no special needs maybe she needs to miss out.. So you for example could be too tired to take her to sports club /a party /.. Adults need sleep..
She's 9 not 3. .

That Sounds tough. You’re not a useless mother at all, sleep deprivation is the worst and you’re doing your best. Honestly, you need to consistently take her back. It’ll be a nightmare for a few nights, probably very little sleep all round! But every time you give in, you are signalling that she will eventually get what she wants if she puts up a big enough fight.

Have you tried a night light or Tomy box? Lavender oil on pillow. Hot chocolate or hot milk before bed. Would she write in a notepad? Assume she has a teddy. Is she scared of something in the room?

There was a Supernanny programme a few year ago and taking back to bed constantly worked.

Has she started periods yet as could be hormonal? I know 8 is a bit young for this.

If any classes near you, child yoga would be excellent to calm her down and clear her mind.

Oh see she’s almost 9, could be hormones… if not special needs. Doctor appointment?

You are not a useless mother. I had palpitations at 11 used to come downstairs to see parents and check my pulse. Feel sure that was puberty related. Nothing like that before. Was a normal child.

My DS did that at 8. In all honesty I was too tired to take him back consistently as we had a younger poor sleeper at the time so just let him climb in so we all got some sleep. He grew out of it pretty quickly and now at 9 sleeps in his own bed, if he wakes up we take him back and he goes straight back to sleep alone. Keep an eye on things she is watching or reading during the day, is there anything that could be scaring her?

If she gets into bed with you, does she just go back to sleep, or does she keep you all awake? If she just goes straight to sleep, I'd just let her. If you don't want to share a bed, can you fit a single mattress (or one of those PE style mats - you can order foam cut to size for a relatively cheap price) on the floor next to your bed?

You’re not a useless mother and this sounds really tough.

You have two choices because at the moment the half being strict and then giving in isn’t working.

So you ether accept she’ll grow out of it and let her come straight in to your bed (or could you have a camp bed set up?) guaranteed she will not be in your bed when she’s a teenager.

If that is unacceptable (and I wouldn’t be able to sleep) then you have to not give in and just keep putting her back to bed. Even if it takes all night. At some point this will work. Painful process though.

Has she said why she wants to bunk in with you? Is she scared? I’d also double check neurodivergence as it presents very differently in girls.

Just to echo what everybody else said you're not a useless mother at all - we had this when my DD was 7/8, we tried and tried but in the end we just told her if she wakes in the night to get in bed with us without waking us, we sleep great now and assume she will just grow out of it in her own time :)