DS(15) refusing to eat

[Soverytiredofitall]

DS(15) has been increasingly difficult to deal with. We have struggled with his inability to manage his device use and the behaviour surrounding it has been awful. Staring at a screen has become more important to him than anything else and there are no lengths that he won’t go to to make it happen. It isn’t just a boy who likes devices, it’s excessive and has taken over everything.

Over the years we have tried everything (repeatedly!), but have not managed to help him at all - CAMHS, his GP, school, talking, actively engaging with him in other activities. Everyone sees there is an issue, nobody can help. Long story short, he says whatever it is that he thinks you want to hear, then carries on regardless.

He needs a device for school, which has been dreadful for him. No consequence has worked - he immediately returns to the same behaviour. He doesn’t even try new ways around the rules, just goes immediately back to whatever he was doing before.

As he has gotten older, his behaviour towards us (parents) has become worse. I know that some of it is to be expected - he is a teenager. However, it is not okay that he speaks to us like we’re dirt, refuses to follow any rules where devices are concerned, but expects us to provide him with said devices.

He is never apologetic about his poor behaviour and blames it all on me. If I didn’t have rules, he wouldn’t be angry etc.

3 days ago, after explaining what would happen, I took his phone from him because of his continued rudeness and refusal to do anything that was asked of him. He was told that he could have it back once his behaviour improved. He doubled down, became ruder, more defiant and aggressive. We then (after a warning) took his laptop.

Since then, he has refused to eat. He hasn’t come out and said that he’s not eating because he’s angry - he just says he’s not hungry.

I have not made a thing of it as I don’t want to back him into a corner, I just keep putting a plate out for him along with everyone else’s. I’m pretty sure he has had the odd sneaky chocolate bar too. He’s not keeling over from hunger and is awake throughout the day. I’m just not sure what to do next. I’m so bloody tired of the constant awful atmosphere and being treated like the enemy.

Has anyone else had to deal with a teenager going on hunger strike? If so, what worked for you?

Forgot to add, he was assessed for ASD (not because of devices as he didn’t have any at the time) and was found not to have it. They did say that there was a lot of crossover between his behaviours and the behaviours that you might expect to see from someone with an ASD diagnosis, whatever that means!

Stick to your plan. No devices. Invite him to join other family activities like a walk to the park or baking a cake together or anything that gets him out of the room. Keep food available and tell him you enjoy his company when he isn’t on a screen.

I’d stick to your guns, he sounds like a drug addict and I imagine needs to go cold turkey. I would also talk to the school and explain he can no longer have a device in school.

What are your rules for the devices? And what has been tried?
What are examples of him speaking to you like dirt? And what leads to it?
What are his demands to end the hunger strike?

Don't cave in. I would have taken the devices long time ago tbh.

Thank you. I’m really trying to stay firm, but calm, but it is so hard in the face of such hostility. It is very like dealing with an addict. There is no remorse - he just says whatever he thinks you want to hear.

The school have not been that much help really. We’ve explained the situation, they have seen the issue for themselves but when it comes to it there is no provision for him if he doesn’t have a device. We did stop sending him to school with one and school made all the right noises, but the reality was that he was unable to access a lot of the work due to their model of blended learning.

Our rules have been quite straightforward - things like no devices in his room at night otherwise he stays up all night watching YouTube. It is all night too, and he ends up sleeping at lunchtime at school. In response, he searches the house for his phone/laptop, or anyone else’s device. He’s bright too and has been able to easily override any parental controls/school controls. I started keeping all devices in my room at night.

He buys phones/iPads from eBay, built his own computer. He gets the money by buying, fixing and selling things on eBay.

It isn’t so much the things that he says, but the way that he says it - snarly and as if we are idiots. He lies to our faces. He knows that what he is saying isn’t believable, but doesn’t care. The only thing that ever leads to it is not getting his own way where devices are concerned. He can be so lovely at other times, if he isn’t challenged.

No demands - just ‘I’m not hungry’

Does he have anyone he looks up to/respects in the family? An older cousin, a grandad etc? If so could they reach out to spend some time with him over the remainder of Easter? Not to preach at him, but to show him there’s a life beyond devices/being online.

Are there any old hobbies he use to love? Going to football matches, fishing, playing pool, if so is it possible to organise something for him to do.

Does he have anyone he looks up to/respects in the family? An older cousin, a grandad etc? If so could they reach out to spend some time with him over the remainder of Easter? Not to preach at him, but to show him there’s a life beyond devices/being online.

Are there any old hobbies he use to love? Going to football matches, fishing, playing pool, if so is it possible to organise something for him to do.

Unfortunately we don’t have any family nearby, but a lovely friend/neighbour has been taking him for long walks with his dogs. He seems to enjoy it, but it’s like he compartmentalises - he enjoys spending time with the dogs, but then switches immediately back as soon as he walks through the door. I used to walk with my friend, but DS wouldn’t join so now friend takes him instead which I really appreciate. DS is lovely when he’s out with him, then picks up right where he left off when he gets back.

Every interest he had disappeared in favour of staring at a screen. Even a year ago, I could still get him to come out with us but now he just says “no”. No to going out, to school work, revision etc.

I’d be considering moving schools to a low tech one, it’s a bit like expecting an alcoholic to go to the pub for 6 hours a day and not drink!

Have you checked what he is actually looking at on YouTube?

I’d be considering moving schools to a low tech one, it’s a bit like expecting an alcoholic to go to the pub for 6 hours a day and not drink!

Have you checked what he is actually looking at on YouTube?

I’d be considering moving schools to a low tech one, it’s a bit like expecting an alcoholic to go to the pub for 6 hours a day and not drink!

Have you checked what he is actually looking at on YouTube?