Considering adult neurodivergence assessment after my son's recent ADHD and ASD diagnosis

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DS(17) was diagnosed with both ADHD (inattentive) and class 1 ASD some months ago, following a period of quite serious depression. He has started on Elvanse and is having monthly appointments with his psychiatrist as well as some ADHD coaching.

The whole period has obviously been very hard for him and I'm pleased he is getting some very good support now, along with ongoing support at home.

What I'm struggling with now is the fact that pretty much everything which was flagged as a symptom in his various reports is something I also experience or have experienced. I don't just mean things like procrastinating which obviously affects everyone to some extent, but more like-

• physical moves and tics/stimming (I just thought it was nice to wiggle about)
• feeling of being 'other'- playing a part like an actor in all social situations
• exhaustion after socialising
• needing long transitions between activities (eg sitting in the car for 15 mins after I've arrived home)

I had a very similar experiences to him at a similar ages- social issues and behavioural problems at school. I couldn't really cope living independently at uni and nearly dropped out, excessive risk-taking and substance abuse. I also had a few things as a child- prolonged pica (eating paper and card), sensory issues with food and clothes, needing to spend periods sitting in the wardrobe(!) in order to regulate myself. There was much less awareness at the time of neurodivergence and I was just treated as naughty. I also have a diagnosed auditory processing disorder. There is a lot of ND in my family.

Where I'm struggling is in knowing what to do now and whether it will be helpful or unhelpful to DS for me to be diagnosed- whether he would feel less on his own or whether he'd think I was trying to make his thing all about me (I realise that this post is all about me- this is very much not the approach I'm taking to supporting DS and I'm using this board as a place to get it all out without affecting him). Despite the catalogue of things above and the fact that I really struggled as a child and teen, my life now is very good- I have great strategies and structures for managing in those areas I find hard, a very good job, happy marriage, friends. I don't want to start taking medication and don't particularly feel the need for psychological support. The only purpose of seeking a diagnosis would be to make sense of myself a bit more and maybe feel a bit better and less guilty/tainted by some of the things from my earlier life.

Just wondered if anyone had been through similar and whether you found it helpful to have an official diagnosis?

It may benefit you more than you know. DH and I both have had assessments following all of our children being assessed and diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.

Yes I work in adult social care and so many parents who have had assessments done for their children find it applies to them too. Either them or the other parent. I think it’s always helpful to know these things

Thank you both for sharing your experience.

If you go private then consider whether the GP would prescribe based on the recommendations of a private psych. Very often ADHD patients can't get medication when they haven't been diagnosed within the NHS. It's a bit of a postcode lottery though so do check with your practice.

I was told an ADHD assessment would be an 8-9 year waiting list on the NHS. This was about 3 years ago. I gave up because I realised the medication wouldn't be suitable with my comorbidities anyway.

Why bother if youre doing fine?. If you want to just know then pay privately. Especially if you wont take adhd meds.
The nhs will be costing £2k or so per diagnosis.

My dc has been waiting 3 years already. Ive just assumed most of both our families are ND. Gmil is very anxious and wont drive except locally. Hates generally going new places. Gfil is very sociable but difficult. Dmum is very rigid. Dsis had an eating disorder. Dad cannot turn off anything ever. And very disorganised.im very messy and somewhat rigid.

I do think its important for children and young adults as school is tricky, and choices about whether to have potentially disabled kids.

Your thread is quite timely for me - the penny is only really dropping for me now that I probably am neurodivergent, after a lifetime of struggling; difficulty holding down jobs, difficulty navigating and maintaining friendships. My DD was diagnosed with ASD during lockdown and my DB was diagnosed as a child, now in his 50s and has never lived independently.

I’m not sure that I would pursue a diagnosis, I feel too old now for it to really change anything, but I’ve just got a book about ASD in women and will see if it resonates with me.

It's worth getting an assessment but playing a part like an actor in social situations and exhaustion after socialising is very common - and usually people with ADHD have it less, although some have it more, than others

i was in a similar position to you just over a year ago. I wasn’t sure whether it was worth bothering with a diagnosis and I was pretty sure there was no point taking medication. After a lot of thought, I decided to
go for the assessment and during the assessment my psychiatrist started telling me about the medication and at that moment I realised I had nothing to lose
apart from a few quid by trying the medication. I’m so glad I did because it has made such a big difference -I am much less anxious and much more focussed.

The diagnostic report was so helpful too. I had far more issues than I had realized plus it clarified many things that I was confused about. This more in depth understanding has really helped me to help myself.

I’m so sorry that you were treated as a naughty child. That will have no doubt had a lasting impact on you.
Parents often realise that they may be ND following a DC diagnosis or during a post diagnostic programme for parents.
The anecdotes from your childhood will be valuable during the diagnostic process. Women and girls are often better at masking but this can be really draining.
Check out the diagnostic pathway for adults in your LA and see your GP. May be a long wait but worth exploring.

Don’t know your age, but if you’re approaching perimenopause, that’s when a lot of ND women find their neurospiciness intensifying, and the old coping strategies can fall apart as a result.

I’m in a very similar situation. My DC’s diagnosis finally made the penny drop, that I am extremely likely to have ADHD and this explains a lot of what has happened in my life. I am close to retirement and quite honestly I have given up on the idea of a diagnosis. I wish I could feel more positive but a lifetime of not being taken seriously has made me feel like this.

I too was labelled naughty, lazy, unmotivated etc. When I was a child I don’t think ADHD was recognised, then when it was, it was all about boys - not sitting still, throwing things, not concentrating etc - and it took a long time before it was accepted that it does affect girls, and affects them differently.

If you’re younger I’d say go for it. If it results in treatment or advice on how to cope with it better, it could be life changing.

I got my diagnosis (and treatment) in my late 50s. I was wondering if it worth it at my time in life but it absolutely was.

To obtain a diagnosis you need to face significant impairment in your daily life in 2 areas. I certainly have ADHD traits and strong ND in my family - but have many strategies to manage them and have a lot of compassion for myself so wouldn’t seek a diagnosis anyway. It’s the difference between the ‘usual’ struggles everyone faces and the much more significant and debilitating issues those with a diagnosis battle daily.

DS 18 has just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism (like literally his report came through today).
I do a lot around ND at work and have suspected for a while I am ND. Reading his report made me more sure as so much fits. I have no intention of going for a diagnosis, it's enough for me that I recognise that some of the things I've gone through in the past aren't because I'm an idiot and to understand why I am the way I am.
It depends what you want to achieve by diagnosis. I don't need it, but a young woman I work with wanted/needed hers so that she felt able to advocate for herself.

That’s what happened to me. I’d put an entire life together and then the wheels fell off. The diagnosis and medication have helped so much.