Tw* Struggling with eating, weight and body image. Help and advise needed

[holidayhelp123]

Hello, long time lurker going anonymous (hopefully) i’m not sure where else to post this and haven’t spoken to anyone IRL properly of how bad it is not even my DH

I don’t know whether anyone in similar situations can help me, I spent my teen years underweight and I’ve been vegetarian since 11 so 20+ years. I only eat a very handful of safe foods, have done this since I was a child. No meat, no fruit, no veg I physically cannot eat them I survive on a very very limited range of plain foods (no funny smells, textures or looks). After having DC1 and gaining weight I spiralled and started making myself sick very often after meals, tried laxatives and tried diet pills eventually settled and got to an OK weight but i’m anaemic, low b12, calcium and have osteomalacia still sporadically vomiting but not every day like before but the last few months I have slowly gained, still within a healthy range but once again spiralled with my body image and eating habits. Ashamed to say took some risks by lying to get weight loss drugs which has led to me losing over a stone and a half. Now 8stone 10lb so still healthy BMI but surviving on less than 1000cal, feel like 💩 constantly. Tired, moody, stressed, embarrassed now anytime I do manage to eat even a little i’m consumed with thoughts of how disgusting I am and going straight on my treadmill to burn the calories off or vomiting it back up I Cant have my coffee till I’ve reached the calories on the treadmill to cover it and Checking the numbers on everything, I can see my clothes getting looser yet I still look at my stomach and feel horrible. This has been all consuming most of my adult life and I dont know what else to do, when i did try to mention a little bit to someone close I was told stop being so vain and focused on weight and enjoy life. I wish it was that easy, I cant explain it. Every evening I go to bed , I say never again yet it’s the same cycle.

I suppose i’m looking to see if anyone has had similar, and please tell me it gets better as I cant imagine this the rest of my life, embarrassed to even call the GP as they will look at my stomach and then weigh me and see I’m a healthy weight and send me packing. Its impacting so much of my life and my dc are getting older and I don’t want them picking up on it

Please i would be grateful if anyone has any words of wisdom or how they were able to get over this and stop my full life revolving around this

Are you me?

I go through phases of recovery. Strength training and body recomp help me a lot with this. I turn the weight setting off on my scales so it only shows muscle mass, body fat %, and BMI, and force myself to ignore calories by focusing on protein goals.

If you pop your stats in ChatGPT, it will tell you how much protein you need to build muscle and will even create a meal plan customised to you.

For training, I use Caroline Girvan and Workout with Roxanne on YouTube, but ChatGPT will also create you a strength training plan if you'd prefer.

This helps me short-term, but ultimately, we both need professional mental health help and we both know it

If you don't feel able to reach out to your GP, could you get in touch with Beat? They're a charity who support people with eating disorders. You can phone them, email or there's a live webchat option.

I think it's a positive step that you have identified that you have issues and that you need to address them. Wishing you well.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/

Thankyou