Weird playdate behaviour

[Playdateanxiety5]

I'm hoping someone can reassure me!

DS is 8 and an absolutely lovely boy. However he can behave really oddly on playdates, like he has had a personality transplant 😅he will typically be a little shy/anxious at first but once more at ease, he will go completely the other way and be overly rowdy or brash.

He went on a playdate yesterday and I was so mortified with the way he was when I picked him up. I think nerves get the better off him?

I feel sorry for the lovely parents and friend who invited him. Is this fairly normal, or would you judge my child/my parenting in this situation? I am not sure whether to send a quick apology message or not.

I don't think he was unkind or running riot, but I am just sad they didn't get to see his usually calm, lovely and kind self. I think they were a little bemused. I also hope he hasn't affected the friendship by acting this way.

Any tips on how to make things easier for him next time? I don't know if it's just a touch of social anxiety/awkwardness?

Whilst it might not be the ‘norm’ for a child to run riot when at a friends house, it’s also not totally abnormal for a child to behave differently depending on who is looking after them. A lot of the time it’s opposite to what you describe, extremely hard work at home and then anyone else that looks after them describes them as being no trouble at all, leaving the parent feeling like they’re being judged for being “unable to cope” by people who see only a calm polite child. You can’t win 🤣

I wouldn’t worry too much if the other parent didn’t raise any issues. However, there’s nothing wrong with shooting them a text saying you noticed he was acting up a bit when you collected him and wanted to apologise if he was like that in her care. She will either respond with reassurance that this wasn’t the case, or at least think you’re decent for not being blind to it if it was.

Does he go to play dates/interact with other children outside of school often without you there? If not, it may just be that he gets overexcited by the “freedom”, and it’s something that will just calm down naturally over the next couple of years.

Yes you're right, I think I'll send a message for peace of mind.

He does have playdates, but with 'old' friends whose parents he knows very well so I think acts a bit more normal there. I think it's probably an anxious & overexcited reaction to a new environment.

I don't think it is about freedom as he wasn't acting naughtily as such but just behaving so oddly, speaking extremely loud and acting super hectic.

Very, very odd!

He did mention being exhausted when he got home, so I don't know it is was a bit of an adrenaline drop. He just went to snuggle up in bed and read, almost like he's run out of social energy.

How long was the play date? At that age I did 3 hours max whether we were hosting or my DC was going to a friend’s. I was really firm about this. There would always be some parents who’d want to bugger off child free for the day and I’d have to say, no, we have an appointment at 3pm so you’ll have to collect at 2.30 or whatever. This always worked better than them having to spend the entire day or several hours with the friend and prevented behaviours from escalating.

Sometimes / often children will be very different when at someone else’s home than their own. I know some of these and sometimes still takes me by urprise and how they crave peace in their own home. Could be over excited or anxious (if anxious this behaviour tends to spill out at school).

I agree just send a kind text to the Mum and in the future invite them to your house.

my kids who are 6 and 8 both behave so differently when they have friends round. I assume they are “showing off”.
i have no idea what they are like when they go to friends. Embarrassed to think about it 🤣

My DC can both be a bit like this. My eldest age 11 has ADHD, but he has learned when/with who to rein it in for the most part. My youngest doesn’t have ADHD but definitely gets loud, shouty and a bit show offy with some friends/in some settings.

Are you sure he was acting like this through the whole play date? Or just when you picked him up? I have noticed mine and other kids suddenly ‘act up’ when the parents arrive!

It doesn't affect all kids, but it's definitely a thing that happens to some! Some kids get like this when they host playdates too. I'd send the text, but not worry too much about it. Just continue working on helping him to self-regulate when necessary.

Had the host parents given him sugary treats? Mine go loopy if they have more sugar than they can handle..

My DS was like this. One time when I went to collect him he was an absolute brat running round and refusing to leave the house. I was clear no more play dates if that happened again. Him and friend also had a fight when the friend was leaving. I think they were both hyped and exhausted!

Honestly, I remember being the kid who behaved like that. Totally out of character - brash, loud, silly and extroverted almost, very different to my baseline personality. I can remember doing it, and remember noting it was strange, even while I was almost not really in control of it. It's weird.

I think, looking back now, I was pretty unsure as to who I was, and who I was supposed to be in any given situation. I mirrored a lot, although I don't think this is what was happening here, more that all the mirroring in my life resulted in me not really knowing who I was - and in a new environment, or somewhere I didn't really have any familiar clues, I was just a bit... off.

I have no idea whether that's what's happening to your son. But it struck a chord so thought I'd share. I wouldn't worry too much about it, maybe let the mum know ta totally fine for her to be firm with him or let you know if it gets too much.

Had he had a squash or sweets he wouldn't normally have at home? Sometimes these can really affect behaviour.

It depends on the behaviour really. Loud, bouncy , excited … fair enough. Rude, mean or destructive not so much.

Mine always act so strange at the stage of putting shoes on/off at the front door.
Either if they are coming home or on the way out. Leaving you to make awkward conversation with the other parent whilst they do it. (Usually their friend is doing it too so thankfully not just mine.)
It’s the worst part of play dates!

Kids are bonkers at that age. Every single child I’ve had over has driven me mad - saying they’re hungry every 5 minutes for example even though I am a big feeder and offer a lot of food / snacks and then saying they’re full after a couple of mouthfuls. I doubt they act that way at home. As long as he wasn’t rude I wouldn’t worry.

I have one the same age and he definitely changes on play dates. He can be quite sensitive which isn't really like him at home, but I guess it is just the difference in dynamic and environment. My older one is the other way and is more boisterous. No idea why!

Glad to hear he is not the only one! They do like to keep us on our toes!

@EwwPeople Loud, bouncy and excited yes, and brash that could come across a bit rude. Not mean or destructive though.

@SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter @Lairymary No sweets involved, so can't even blame it on that!

@Greyhoundnewbie yes, too embarassed to think about it! I preferred when I was blissfully unaware!! I can't be sure if he was like this for the whole playdate so I will pretend it was only at the end to lessen the cringe!

@Ewerty that is so interesting! It does resonate as he does behave differently with different friends, usually in a good way which means he can fit in and has a lot of friend groups but I think in a new situation like that he just didn't know how to act and it came out all wrong, bless him.

Anyhow, I messaged the mum and she sent a really lovely message back, so I feel a lot better about it. Phew!

This is true. So many kids are really weird about eating at other people’s houses as well it’s safer just to give them pizza every time.

Now they are teens especially the girls it’s impossible to predict how much they will eat so I always over cater.

My DC had one friend that wouldn’t eat a crumb at anyone else’s house and another who invented a nut allergy (I knew her mum and was pretty sure this wasn’t true and did message her mum to check!)

My son has told everyone at school that he’s allergic to dairy! Haha, he has a twin in the same class so he didn’t get away with it. Crazy age.

Your little lad sounds like he is learning and that is exactly his job at his age! I really recommend role playing before new experiences. Kids language is play - so play out what is/isn't OK if there is a particular behaviour you want him to work on or do more of. You could even act out how it is when he sees you at the end of a playdate. I also wonder if they were playing video games as this could have amped him up. But ultimately this is all part of childhood and learning..

Any tips on helping them to self regulate when it’s the silly, show off behaviour @NuffSaidSam ?

My 7 year old was doing it again on a play date today, just being really loud and shouty, and he gets a bit offensive trying to get laughs too, like telling a toy that’s making noise to “shut up/shut your mouth”. So embarrassing and he’s really not like this normally!

Your posts have so much emphasis on wanting to be normal not weird, worried people will judge you, embarrassed and cringing.

The first rule of parenting is stop giving a toss what people think of you and instead think about what’s the best thing for your child. Of course we want our kids to be kind and not antisocial. But whether people think your child is weird or not is by the by

I think we may have the same child! This is a perfect example of what DS does. We did also bump into some of his friends yesterday at the park and the behaviour came out again, as well as saying "bro" every second word, which I have never heard at home!

Very true and something I am very aware of and try to get better at! I have always lacked confidence and feared people's judgement and I don't want this to extend to my children.

Give yourself a break, though. We all know that perfectly “nice” parents and families will steer their children away from other children who are a bit much, a bit hyper or too loud. Children are so easily influenced, I’ve certainly discouraged my own DS from playing with certain children who have been known to swear etc…!