Can my ex get 50:50 care from birth after early separation?

[penelopesolivegarden]

Is this a thing? Ex and I split very early, now 22 weeks. I have gone through everything with him from him not wanting to be involved at all to now wanting a 50:50 split from the start. He seems to think this may be granted as we've been separated from early in the pregnancy. I feel physically sick at the idea.

He works 3 'normal' days a week and then is on call outside normal working hours for one day/night a week, so could make 50:50 work as long as the schedule changed around his working pattern which is what's worrying me. Otherwise I'd think he was bluffing.

There is a middle ground though. Instead of going back with no to 50/50 and by the way I also not putting you on the birth certificate and exclusively breastfeeding for two years so you can’t take baby out baby out by yourself at all or have any overnights come to a compromise. Start off small. I don’t think 50/50 is fair at all either. My kids still don’t have that however like I said my son did have overnights from 6 months. I just think that being realistic and fair to all involved makes more sense then going to the complete other end of the spectrum of extreme.

also key to mention if he did go to court something like I did mention is very likely to be the sort of gradual increase that is suggested (I have friends who have had this and this includes exes who were violent) so it is actually best for the mother to show being cooperative from the get go,..

@narnia2025 , there is a middle ground, but it doesn't need to be with the father having the same rights as the mother. There's being co-operative and there's being a doormat.

I'd bet that he will have effed off once the novelty of having created a baby will have worn off.

I don’t think you realise how bad this can actually look for women when it goes to court.

a man can get his name added by applying to court. It is fairly straightforward. If there is no reason other then wanting to make it more difficult for the father to have contact with baby or delay visits this will be seen negatively on the mother. I have seen this happen before numerous times. Like pp have seen courts now can see that breastfeeding is weaponised and that can not always be taken into account.

the best thing the mum can do is work with the father and try to cooperate because the. If he is a complete dick she ca show yne courts she has done everything right in the eye of the law and the courts.

He can get the same rights anyway just by going to court. Makes much more sense and looks better if no safeguarding to just put him in their to start with

No.

I am usually one who says kids need their dads as much as their mums.
But not at that age.

His mum sounds pushy and so I would be very careful.

I would not invite him to the birth.
I would then say he can come and visit the child at yours but as you’ll be BF then it’s not going to be leaving you for the first couple of months at least.

Even if you are not BF I would pretend you are and the worst thing you can do whilst trying to establish BF is using a bottle, so don’t allow him to try and use that excuse either as he’ll say you should express.

Hide any evidence of bottles when he does come around.

I do think dads should go on the BC but I would be reluctant to do this for the first couple of months at least, as then he will have rights and it doesn’t sound like him or his mum is thinking about what’s best for the baby.

If he’s not there at the birth then you can say you needed a lot of stitches and therefore getting to the registry office is too painful just yet.

Do not get intimate with him at all.
He may use you so that you’ll let your guard down and then do what he wants.

A decent father wouldn’t separate a newborn and their mother

Although I understand and agree with a lot of what you’re saying, no court would ever grant him 50/50 access to a newborn baby.

And him asking for it will make him look very irresponsible and they would definitely take OPs side, purely because that’s what’s best for the baby.

Breastfeed til 2. Pay for a lactation specialist if needs be

No they won’t. But they will look dimly if she does alot of what pps are telling her to do. there is a chance that when baby is gone he will run off into the sunset anyway. But by offering a planned gradual buildup of contact (doesn’t need to buildup to 50:50) with the view of overnights being within the first year for example will look good on her and may calm down everyone else

Fucking hell. Just no. A newborn needs their mum. You do not express just so he can decide he wants to play daddy. I can’t believe your mum is going along with it too.

He sounds a complete cunt btw.

also yes if he does go in demanding stupid demands and she goes in with more reasonable ones she will look much better especially if she has put him on bc, given him access from birth, notified him and show that she is willing to increased access with age

@narnia2025 , he sounds like a complete dick who will make life difficult. You seem to be intent on the father's rights and it comes across badly.

I've seen your posts on other threads and I suspect narnia1955 would be a better username for you.

No I have just been through this and I know how it works. I don’t want the op to get wrong advice that could actually make herself look really terrible in court. I have seen it.

I have been in dv and my child was still given overnights. This was when I was a teenager. I have been through it. I knew better when my marriage broke up and I did better as I know how the court system works. I have been through this it’s hell. But you have to be clever you have to like your working with the father.

That poster is right. Family court is brutal and judges are very intolerant of what they see as pettiness or game playing. Denying a father on the birth certificate is usually seen as unreasonable. The mother needs to be whiter than white when it comes to family court.

I’d absolutely suggest lowering contact with his mother btw, especially relating to custody. It will complicate things emotionally and practically.

Exactly

im not saying it’s right or that I even agree with it. I believe in being child centred and that is different based on different situations. Family court is flawed and if there is even a chance it could get to that you need to be clever and proactive.

The mother can register the baby without the father being there without denying him.

Yes but if she doesn’t inform him and does it behind his back it could look poorly on her.

Equally that could backfire if OP wants to claim maintenance

That is denying him if she doesn't give him the opportunity to go with her!

No courts would allow newborns staying away from the mother at all.

It would be thrown out if he even suggested it.

In fact it wouldn’t even get to court, it wouldn’t get past the mediation stage.

No if you had seen the gradual plan I suggested you would see that I said that for newborns it would be visits at mums a few times a week. But with a view to eventually have time with baby on his own

Of course they can’t live together as friends! The fact that he’s even mentioning 50:50 care for a newborn baby illustrates what an unreasonable fuckwit he is. His mother enabling him just blows my mind!

I do hope the OP has someone in their corner

so could make 50:50 work as long as the schedule changed around his working pattern which is what's worrying me.

So he couldn't really make it work?

His mum is also pushing me to agree to immediate overnights,

Nothing to do with her at all!

Register the baby with your name.
Tell his mother to keep her nose out.
There is no way in hell you will be able to hand over your tiny newborn baby for 50% of the time. I struggled with 20 mins after 6 weeks!
A baby needs its mummy- and mummy needs to be with her baby.
No way would I prioritise what he and his mother want over what you and your baby need.
Visitation would be offered on a very regular basis (4/5 times a week) for short periods (30-45 mins) always at your home and supervised.

Under no circumstances would l ever have a different surname to my baby.