Is there anything your teenagers can say to you that you would find unforgivable?

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

They are forming. Young. Etc.

But they can say some awful things that are deliberately hurtful and cruel.

They look you in the eye and know how to land their words for maximum impact.

Woyld you always forgive regardless?

Eventually..

But, to date, both my boys have never said anything unforgivable and I hope that they won’t (mid/late teens now).

I have always made it clear that I am not a walking wallet and chauffeur combination and I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.

However (and I know I have repeated this on many teenage threads), I don’t understand why people have such reverence for teens and give them so much privilege with so little consequence.

If either of my teens was inexcusably rude to me or behaved appallingly, they would lose both a chunk of money and screen time. There wouldn’t be no negotiation or consideration as to whether it was their ‘teen brain’.

As a teacher (albeit in ‘nice’ private schools), I can see that teens respond to incentives just the way adults do, both positive incentives and negative ones, paired with discussion and reasonable negotiation.

I will never forget a thread on here where a teen was keeping their mother up all night talking loudly on their phone and they were advised by many posters to buy earplugs!

To answer the question, if they said something awful, there would be huge consequences, but they would eventually be forgiven. I can’t imagine never forgiving them.

Yes, there would have been. I frequently told him to leave the room before one of us said something we couldn’t take back.

Now in his 20s he has been told how upset he made me at times and has admitted that he was deeply unpleasant. I’ve also accepted (and apologised for) the times I fucked up as a parent. He was learning to be an adult. I was learning to parent one. Neither of us were perfect.

Fortunately, like most of us, he’s outgrown it. And I’ve got better at parenting an adult.

I ate two of my Ds’s crème eggs that I genuinely thought were for everyone. He’s 16. I apologised and offered to buy more. The vicious vitriol that came out of his mouth floored me.

Oh no OP! What happened that he over reacted so badly? I see by your username you’ve had a horrible experience, what did he say that was so unforgivable?

It’s one thing to lose your temper, but to unleash and spit fury at you over a misunderstanding over fecking cream eggs at 16 is not ok and there needs to be consequences - even if you were technically in the wrong, you didn’t do it maliciously, completely unacceptable. Sorry

When our kids were teens I said to them both to be mindful that some things are so hurtful they can't be unheard. You can apologise but the other person will never forget that you said them. I think this is particularly true for family as it's harder to excuse.

I'd forgive her for murdrering me, so no.

But there is stuff she could say that would make me very hurt and angry.

Sorry this happened OP. I think you are within your rights to ask him to stay away from you for the rest of the day at least.

Is there anywhere he could go and stay - a friend or family member. Not for the long term - just to underline that this is abusive, and not ok.

Is he abusive at other times, and do you feel safe around him? Many 16 year old boys are men, physically speaking.

Over some chocolate?? Wow. What did he say? I’d be furious and hurt and tell him that but hope that eventually it would blow over.

No. I’d forgive them anything. They’ve never been really nasty to me though. Careless with my feelings sometimes but never deliberately mean or spiteful.

I can't imagine what DC would have to do/say not to be forgiven - but I've never really known vicious arguments, as a teen myself there were a couple of "I hate you" moments from me - always followed by a tearful apology because I felt awful for it. So maybe I really just can't imagine what they could say!

Two Ds 28 and 37. They have never ever sworn at me or been nasty.

For me it's one of two things. Either it's the sort of testosterone fuelled 'banter' he see his 'mates' used, in which case I'd be questioning his friendship circle, or there is something else going on and this was a final straw for him. Either way it's absolutely not okay for him to speak to you that way and it needs a consequence. As well as a bit of an explore around where this reaction came from when the time is right.

I think that any child threatening violence should be taken at their (usually his) word and kept at a lifelong distance

The woman murdered by her son recently kept begging for help for him - some people cannot be helped and just need to be contained and controlled. I wish mothers understood this better.