Do carer home workers judge relatives who visit rarely?

[flipfloplaugh]

I know this sounds mad but can someone who works in the care sector tell me if carers judge people for not visiting their parents very much? My father has advanced dementia - and I feel really really guilty about not visiting him very often. I'm the only family member who visits him - but every time I do, I find it very difficult. He was an alcoholic - all my life - and he was incredibly emotionally abusive. He was violent to my mother (they've been divorced for over twenty years). None of the carers at his home have ever said anything about me not visiting him very often - and I don't want to tell them, because I want them to think of him as a nice old man! I know this sounds ridiculous - and I am sure they're all far too busy to think about how often I visit anyway. I don't know. I think I feel guilty about not visiting and of course, they're the only people in a position to know!

I wouldn't visit him at all.

My mother lives 5 minutes from me and my sister, I only go down once or twice a week for 1/2 hour. Her moaning drives me nuts, and I cant be there.

not sure for certain, i think as long as the carers know the background for why etc then thats the main thing

I only know the homes I have personally visited, but from observation I would say that infrequent visitors are much more common than those who come every day.

When I was young and naive yes but with a bit of life experience I understand the complexity of adult relationships. If people judge it’s because they have no idea about your life

Yep.

I've been a carer for 32 years, and I wouldn't judge for a second. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and it's none of my business what people's stories are.

Care homes are horrid places and unless your relative is 100% still compos mentis they won't k ow if you've been or not anyway.

The only other reason to go would be if you actually liked them.

Which you don't op so don't visit the old bastard at all I say.

Yes and no.

I don't work in care homes but did a placement on a dementia ward years ago.

I think everyone understands how upsetting and seemingly pointless it is for family to visit to be not recognised or even abused or upset.

But at the same time no-one would really like to think of it happening to themselves or people they love.

And it's vitally important that care home patients have a family member keeping an eye on the person and how they're being treated.

I’ve worked in care for over twenty years, and most of us know full well that people we care for have lived lives before we met them, might have been difficult or abusive etc. I have had staff not understand this and be judgemental, but whenever that comes up we would discuss with them why people may not visit much etc. well done you for visiting at all. I have a first hand experience of my brother who is an alcoholic, with a range of MH conditions now has care, and had to speak with social workers I know professionally about our relationship. I don’t see him, but support and facilitate his care (he doesn’t want to see me either). So I get what you are saying from both sides. I promise nearly everyone understands- and those who don’t (because there are always people not as great at seeing things from a wider viewpoint) will be the minority. Please don’t worry about that, and please don’t feel guilty

I've visited multiple relatives in different care homes over the years. Even when visiting several times a week in some cases, the staff are often on a different shifts, so it was rare for me the see the same staff member every time I'd visit. I very much doubt they monitored every visitors pattern either!

Carers comprehend that these things aren’t clear cut and they don’t judge. I’d say the same about social workers, GPs, housing officers etc. Sensible people who work with elderly folk understand the often sad realities of family life.

Why visit an abusive father who was violent to your mother? I wouldn't.

As a previous care worker, we do but there are so many people with story’s like yours and when relatives tell us, we completely understand and don’t judge. I know you shouldn’t have to explain yourself at all and we shouldn’t judge, dont worry what others think anyway

After caring for her dad with dementia, my mother has, on many many many occasions over many years, made us promise that if she ever gets dementia and doesn’t recognise us or is abusive/cruel, we are to put her in a home and walk away.

If it happens, I literally won’t give a shit if someone working there judges me. No one knows what has happened in another family and what is going on in those relationships.

Ive worked in care for over a decade. Mostly care in the community now and tbh its often not too difficult to see why somone doesn't get many visitors. You often see at least hints of the behaviour that estranged them from their people when you spend a lot of time with them and even if you dont we all know that we are only seeing a snapshot of this person's life and people will often have their ressons for wanting little or no involvement. Tbh I don't think you should feel guilty or worry about what they think anyway. Do what you need to do to protect yourself

From my experience the length of visits doesn't matter to the person you are visiting if you have dementia so if you want to continue to visit put a time limit on how long you stay. 15 mins is fine. But I agree with a PP a surprisingly small number of residents get even a weekly visit from relatives so if you prefer not to go at all you will be by no means the only one.

No but I do think people reap what they sow.

As a health care worker for many years my experience is that if an elderly person doesn’t get many visits from their children there’s usually a back story to it. You might get one child that’s just selfish or thoughtless but if a person has several children and none of them visit or rarely visit there’s usually a reason for that. So no I’ve never judged the adult children for their lack of participation in their parents care.

A senior nurse and the deputy manager of the care home overheard me being told 'I've never liked you, you've always disappointed me and you never do what you're told'. Having suspected that all my life being told it allowed me to walk away. The person is being cared for very well (has dementia and a host of other medical needs), I manage their finances so that they can live comfortably but I don't feel I need to subject myself to truly unpleasant visits (I also live several hours away so have to stay overnight etc). The people who overhead the conversation were shocked and totally understand my decision to stay away.

Families are complicated but from a housing provider point of view, we find it quite sad when an old person dies and relatives turn up out of the woodwork within seconds to claim the possessions when they haven't been near the relatives for years. Its really upsetting when they occasionally die and aren't discovered for many days or weeks. One of the most poignant things I've done is inspect properties after the relatives have claimed the jewellery and bank books, only to realise that old photos and wedding albums have just been thrown about and nobody wanted them. We don't always have the back story but its really hard not to judge.

My dad never visited his mum. Not once. Said he "did not want to see her in that state". She had vascular dementia. It was my mum (her DiL) who did all the visiting, taking her out etc.
My best friend has not long had her DM admitted to a care home. She visits at least twice a week, takes her on trips etc.

I would hope the staff in a home would not judge. Families are complicated. But it is hard not to judge... but as long as they keep it in their head, then it does not matter.

You need to stop worrying what others think of you. It really doesn’t matter.

My Mum was a schizophrenic with an alcohol issue. She and I had the most complex and difficult relationship and when she developed bowel cancer many people - who didn’t know the background - judged me very harshly for many of the decisions I made surrounding her care and also her funeral (direct cremation, I didn’t invite anyone and disposed of her ashes myself privately). At the end of the day no one knew the hell I grew up with.

I agree with this. And the one thing that always saddens me is dozens of relatives crying at the grave and eulogies of what a wonderful person their relative was yet didn’t visit. And the photos just left and not wanted. Saddened me.
i understand when there is fractured relationships though and like someone said previously, you know when someone is difficult and not the character they wish to portray as being a wonderful person whose family abandoned them. The real them comes out, don’t worry.

Thanks so much for your response. I think I'm definitely projecting onto the carers, which is ridiculous when they're all so nice!

Thanks for answering. It's helpful. You're right - I do think it is important that someone visits every so often, so that is what I try to do. But I feel like I don't get there enough. But I think I just need to tell myself that every so often is better than never. Thank you.