How do people make new friends after already having settled lives?

[topcat2014]

How long have you known your most recent friend? I think it is about 15 years for me.

Now, I am a social person - have hobbies, answer the front door when the bell goes, pick up a ringing phone etc. I don't wish to be a hermit.

But, it occurred to me that my most recent friend - as in someone I could ring and go to the pub with, unconnected to any other task/duty, I have known for about 15 years.

I'm unsure how I can gain new friends now?

Family etc only go so far..

(Not a feeling sorry for myself / more observational etc)

(I asked the new AI to pick the title - )

Church, but obviously that’s not for everyone! DH made friends when we moved by joining the local football team and playing on weekends. They always go for a drink after.

Since moving to a new area: book club and a fitness class.

Made a few friends last few years. Different jobs. New hobby. I have lost a lot of friends. Seem to have a lot of ‘transient’ friendships. But no issue making them.

My most recent friend has been a friend for six months, I also have three year and four year old friendship friends. I am currently debating making another friendship with a lady at an exercise class we do. We always have so much to chat about and both seem happy to see each other so I’m deciding whether to ask if she wants to meet for coffee etc.
My oldest friend is a 46 year old friendship.
I make friends really easily especially at gyms I’ve joined over the years. I met the three year old friendship friend on a holiday. She lives abroad and we now go on holiday once a year together.

Are there any people you really click with? If so ask them out for coffee or think of a shared interest and invite them to something. If you’ve chatted about a type of music and a tribute act is at your local theatre ask if they fancy it and so on. Or if there a couple of friends ask them both if they fancy the local Italian restaurant one night as there’s a special offer on. Maybe one mentions gardening then see if they’d like to the local bluebell display etc.
I literally go about friendships like dating.
Good luck.

Newest close friend ? I'd say about 4 years.
We met through something new I joined and we just hit it off.

Potential new friends? Within the last 14 months since joining something else new. Of course, it takes time to develop from 'friendly with' to 'friends' , hence the people I am 'friendly with' from the thing I joined 14 months ago, haven't yet moved to 'good friends' as that depth of friendship usually takes time to evolve.

I disagree with what is often said on here about it being harder to make friends as you get older. I find it much easier to go out now I no longer need to arrange for a babysitter, or to make sure I go when dh was home to have the dc. I also have a bigger budget to spend on things I couldn't have afforded when the dc were small, like 'meeting for a coffee'.

I have a couple of friends I met at playgroup 10 years ago. And two friends from school 45 years ago. Other than that there’s the odd random person through old jobs who I’ve known 15+ years. And dhs friends I’ve known 18 years. Dh has one group of friends he has known 30 years.

I’ve recently moved to a new area-6 months ago-where I know no one at all-and I still work where I came from-an hour and 45 mins away-so work not an option for friend making for me. I’ve joined a few groups via Facebook (a sort of new to the area women’s group and a book club) and been for a few group walks and coffees with them-and also a book club-where I met a woman I may have clicked with and we are going for a drink next week. Equally it may come to nothing. All that has taken me 6 months and it’s been effort that sometimes I’ve found a bit of a slog. So it can be done but you have to graft at it, put yourself out there and like with dating, sort of kiss alot of frogs before your find your new friends kind of thing :)

What hobbies has anyone done where they've met new friends? Only thing I go to are two exercise groups, everyone is friendly but I can't imagine making a friend at either. I'm in my late 50s and anything I've come across recently seems to attract people in their mid 65s+.

Always room for another good friend, but I'm lucky in that I have one friend I met at three, five others I see as a group or individually who I met when DD started school, and two others I see occasionally I met at work ten and fifteen years ago (the latter had a DD in DD's class as well).

I’m 57 and made two friends at aqua aerobics. I started tai chi in January and it’s showing great friend potential so far although I don’t want to rush things.
The friends I’ve made have been one year younger and three months younger than me. My potential new t’ai chi friend is one year older.
I am a member at a nice spa/gym place so it’s quite easy to make friends as after a few chats I ask people if they are going in the jacuzzi/sauna etc after the class and then we can chat more. Then it becomes more of a prearranged thing and I suggest something outside the club or a coffee in the cafe.
There are around 6-8 other ladies I really like there as in we could chat all day but I haven’t pursued them as friends.
In my life I’ve found about five good friendship opportunities, at school, at university, when the DC were babies (my two best friends of 25 years were my toddler group friends), when my DC started school and also when the DC were tweens and played football every week and also at health clubs, the nicer the better.

I felt like I really put myself out there when my child was a baby/toddler. Or at least a lot more than I normally would. But nothing really transpired from the opportunities. Maybe they weren't keen or bad luck I don't know.

Then at my child's school I chatted to people but then everyone went into more cliques and chatted together and it wasn't something you got join in when you got to the playground half the time.

It's knocked my confidence if I'm honest

My most recent really good friend is the partner of one of DH’s friends. After meeting up as a 4 we started going out just the 2 of us. She’s since introduced me to other people. My other recent friends are either through work or kids. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and be the one to suggest a coffee/drink.

Sorry to hear this, are there any school mum’s you’ve chatted to that aren’t in any groups? If there are this can be a good way to make friends?

I’m late 50s and about a year. Most of my friends date back to either school or when my DCs were young. But the most recent new friend I made at choir, I joined about 2 years ago, she joined about a year later, we just clicked, had a lot in common. She was fairly new to the area and suggested we go for coffee one day last summer, she has given up the choir now but we still meet up for coffee every few weeks. Then there’s another, DH joined a sports club and started going to the pub with some of them, then invited me along one day and I really clicked with one of the women, again lots in common so I see her away from the group sometimes now too. It does take a bit of effort and doesn’t always work, I’ve never made friends beyond acquaintance level at exercise classes for example as there isn’t much time to chat. I think volunteering or other groups where you do a task together regularly eg choir, amdram, bookclub are generally good bets.

Tennis. When you’re part of a team you’re travelling to matches together and having match teas so plenty of time to chat and make friends. Plus post season social events.

So, I think that's my issue with hobby groups. Everyone vanishes straight after the session has finished. People want to get back to families or it's late (depending on the time of the group). I think it's easier if you are available during the day but for people who work 9-5 type jobs, and the hobby group is in the evening, I've never found anyone interested in doing more than just going to the group. Maybe it depends on the hobby.

That's certainly the issue with exercise classes (I've found that with both day and evening ones, I work PT). You need things where time to chat is built in, either through breaks or as you do the activity. My choir has a 15!min break built in so we chat then, some of us walk home together and when there's a performance there is quite a bit of hanging about we also liftshare to the venues. We have a whatsapp group for things like lifts but people also organise group meet-ups outside choir on there.

Hobby groups. Slowly but steadily friendship grows. You may not make a new best friend immediately, but friendly acquaintances.

Oldest friendship 43 years. Newest friendship a month. Other friends somewhere in between the two. I don’t have any family/children/husband etc. So friends are all I do have. Some are made through work, and some through various hobbies/groups/volunteering and activities I do.
The one things I’ve found is that you have to be proactive, no one is going to make friends for you. Smile, introduce yourself and ask questions about others seem to be good starting points, even if it’s just an “excuse me, am I in the right place for .. insert activity” . It starts a conversation. Oh and repeatedly turning up for the activity helps, don’t give up after one or two weeks and say you didn’t get to know anyone.

Im 67 and still making new friends! Mostly recently through pilates and work. I have a close knit group of old friends but I love making new ones. Think you have to be open to it mainly

I got cancer and joined a cancer support group. I also volunteer with a charity. Met loads of new friends (neighbours and other parents when we moved house at 40). I’d say my most recent friend I’ve known maybe 6 months. I’m 45.