How do people make new friends after already having settled lives?

[topcat2014]

How long have you known your most recent friend? I think it is about 15 years for me.

Now, I am a social person - have hobbies, answer the front door when the bell goes, pick up a ringing phone etc. I don't wish to be a hermit.

But, it occurred to me that my most recent friend - as in someone I could ring and go to the pub with, unconnected to any other task/duty, I have known for about 15 years.

I'm unsure how I can gain new friends now?

Family etc only go so far..

(Not a feeling sorry for myself / more observational etc)

(I asked the new AI to pick the title - )

I am making them at 54 through hobby groups. Takes a while, for sure. And it's slow progress. I have to put myself out there and make the first move often.

Work mainly. My closest friends are people I have known between 15-40 years ago. I'm not bothered about meeting new friends to be honest. I'm a very friendly person, but I keep my group quite small I suppose.

My close friends have moved away or become recluses so I need new friends. Exhausting though.

I’m 53, and while I have friends from all stages of my life, the most recent ones (after an international move in early 2020) have been via my son’s friends’ parents, work, DH’s work, singing in a choir, neighbours, pure chance (sheltering under a tree in the park when there was a sudden downpour, getting talking in an art gallery) and getting on so well with the architect who worked on our house that we stayed in touch.

Interesting question, @topcat2014 , and one I’ll be interested to see the answers.

I suspect many friendships are situational and arise from work, baby/children related circles and a partner’s circle of family and friends.

And I suspect it may become more difficult the older you get, especially when you encounter attitudes like ‘I'm not bothered about meeting new friends to be honest’ (which of course is absolutely fine).

I’ve - accidentally - made two new friends of the sort you describe in the last year, purely by chance. Tbe first in a language class where we just gelled (and turns out we live close to each other). Tbe second was overseas by an obscure and very remote monument we had both gone to see.

But how to engineer friendships? More difficult. I mean, who wants to start on an evening class or some gym routine purely on tbe off chance of making friends? Unless of course it’s something you WANT to do - in which case friendship becomes an added bonus

PS Funnily enough, I suspect it may be easier to line up potential romantic partners than potential new friends!

I've made new friends at work in the last couple of years, but we have quite a high turnover of staff.

In my case I have a very sociable dh who makes new friends through business or hobbies, and I can pick and choose the wives i find a connection with. So I have made a few new friends in my 50’s.

I'm sure!

another vote for hobby groups. Do you have hobbies, go to classes. Could you start something you like ?

Having a baby in my 40’s massively increased my friendship circle.

I think you ultimately either come across the right people or you don't. Having good social skills and social activities helps increase the odds but sometimes you get unlucky and don't find your people.

I also suspect going through some sort of formative experience together like education or leaving home for the first time or having a baby massively helps. I don't think I've got any friends that haven't been made at a time like that.

I've known my most recent friend for about 5 years.

A number of my friends are from work, but often not while I'm still working there. For some reason the friendships seem to develop when one person leaves, maybe because you don't get to see each other at work any more and you miss them.

I've made some friends from hobbies, but not many. Most hobbies or evening classes, people turn up, do the activity and leave.

When I retired I moved back to my old home town after 13 years living in another part of the country. My DH is still working FT but from home. I’ve managed to reignite some old friendships but I’ve had to work hard to make new friends by joining new hobby groups. It’s meant being fully engaged with activity, turning up consistently, being interested in people and making the first move to start conversations. I am finding a few of my new friends have recently lost partners and they are now trying to widen their social circles. It may just be luck or a question of it being easier at certain life stages.

My longest friendship is first day of primary school so just over 50 years. Then two friends I knew at High school. Then there is one of 37 years and a few from 30 years when I relocated and some at 25 years from the school gate and work about 5 from last couple of years volunteering. Most recent friend is 1 year, her and her DH were over for dinner and card games yesterday. I admit to finding friendships easily and maintaining them easy, I have dodged a few people who want to be friends. My Mother was the same people just liked her, don’t especially try but also don’t hide anything behind a facade.

A few weeks for me. I started women's only taekwondo and they are all amazing. Ages between 13-65. I've done years of mixed sex martial arts and never felt half as welcome as I do at this new place.

Prior to that about a year and a half. My youngest is popular at school and I suddenly had a load of new people wanting to get to know me and hang out.

Prior to that about 2 years. I started going to a very niche hobby group and found a load of nerdy friends.

Get a dog.

I have hobbies with people etc. But they tend to stay within the context etc.

My newest friends, 1-2 years are neighbours I decided to start talking with.

Well, if you want that to change, you’ll have to be the one who suggests going for a drink after the activity, or meeting for a coffee.

I moved to a new city where I knew nobody in my mid 40's 10 years ago.
The things that led me to making new friends echo what was said above -

• via work ( 2 different jobs, couple of great chums via each but it was me that made sure we met up after I left)
• book group ( this also took time as we met less often than work people, but after 8 years have finally got to the call-me-for-any-reason stage with a couple of v cool people)
• sport group (very recent change, but found these people WAY faster to bond through shared experience. Note that I 'sport' at a fairly low level)

Friends come and go, people you like, but unless in the same environment and a special connection the friendship only carries forward online.

Looking back, my personal friendship group is those I've particularly bonded with and we've kept it going mutually. So many others, they've been great and fun, so many I've enjoyed spending time with and been very close to at the time, but have dissolved.

Making new friends? Absolutely, I've made some meaningful friendships the past few years, keep in touch more whattsapp chats and meet up when we can.

I'm a friendly, love to get know new people and chat kind of person so that's of course helped. However also because I'm so busy, so many responsibilities and these days I can't cope with going out out as much, I try my best to see everyone but within my own perimeters, This is fine with technology communication.

As usual I've transgressed, sorry, point is new friendships can always be made, it's the connection and willingness to take it forward. Just a hey let's swap numbers and be nice to meet up sometime.

I've known my most recent friend for about 5 years. We both took up the same sport at the same time and instantly bonded.

Evening class
Gym

To add, if you've been extraordinary lucky to have a BFF since age 12. Having grown up together, travelling together, always part of each other's lives, although moving to different parts of the world, other's families and friendship groups, for them to be taken for too young with DH and DC. So cruel and beyond sad 😔 Such a close bond is like losing part of your family. Xx