How far does no contact with parents go?

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I was pondering this today, somewhat hypothetically but possibly not.

For those of you who are no contact with your parents, would you have an issue with them being told in the event of you passing away unexpectedly or similar terrible circumstances?

Ideally, in situations where there was no abuse or criminal activity, you’ve just stepped away because the relationship was not healthy or what you wanted.

I don’t know how I feel yet. But interested to know if others have considered it and what you’ve landed on.

I think it would be really cruel if you found out months later that your child had died, in some cases it may be appropriate, but rarely. Ideally, keep a channel through another relative for births/marriages/deaths etc, but sometimes that may not be possible.

I was NC with my dad for about 13 years. I heard through the grapevine that he’d had a stroke, and I could have visited him but decided against it. He died that week.

I have no regrets about not seeing him.

Had I died first, I guess I’d be dead so I wouldn’t be around to care whether he knew or not. But I would not have wanted him finding out I had DC. Nobody I knew was in contact with him. I guess I’d have left instructions to whoever would have written my obituary to leave my DC out of it.

I think if things are bad enough to go NC, you really don’t want them knowing when you have DC, and you don’t want them fetching up at your funeral to make it all about them.

It’s only cruel if they actually care about their kids.

It depends on what you want. We all have our own versions depending on our own needs

I keep tenuous contact and would be told if either became ill. My DSis would probably know first and she is in the same boat as I am

Do what is best for you

I was NC with DF for 25 years. He wrote me a letter a year before died telling me that he had a few months left to live. I chose to continue being NC. He died a year later. I found out he had passed away a month after that after care home staff spent some time looking for next of kin. There was no funeral and DF died with nothing but a box of photos. I have no regrets, I do not believe DF ever changed.

Does it matter if your parents are told you have died, they can’t do anything to you when you’re dead?

I've been NC with my mother for years. My kids wouldn't tell her if anything happened to me. I don't even hate her anymore, she's just a nothing in my life. As far as I'm concerned her being informed officially would be the same as a random I went to primary school with being informed officially.

I happen to know (because she told several people to tell me) that when she dies I am 15th on the list to be told so I won't have time to go steal all of her things apparently. She's also written a letter saying how she's amazing and lists all the ways that I'm awful to be handed to me after her death. So that's something to look forward to i guess 🤣

I don’t know if it matters. It might be hard for DH and DC.

I’m very very early days with this and for some reason it came into my head and it seems to be acting as a bit of a barometer for if I even should be no contact.

I would not want them to attend my funeral so DH knows not to tell them immediately. I don’t care if they are never told but that would be up to DH and the kids if they wanted to make contact but I don’t think they would.
Equally I don’t want to be contacted when they pass either but I guess I don’t have control over that.

I wouldn't want my mother to know. She is my mother biologically but in no other way so why should she be told.
She doesn't know I've had children which I think is a bigger deal in some ways. Luckily no one in my family speaks to her so I don't think they'll be any issues keeping my death from her.
For reference she kicked me out at 17 and apart from a couple of family parties between the age of 17 and 20 I haven't seen her since.

I’ve been nc with my parents for the best part of 20 years I don’t expect to hear when either of them die. I’m sure the news will filter through eventually but no one will notify me.

Ive discussed me dying with dh and he may or may not inform them but very definitely not until after any funeral. The last thing he and my children need is my mother at the funeral acting like a bereaved parent. Oh the drama!

I've thought about this on and off for many years.
Dc dad left and had no contact before birth, chose to not work in order to not pay maintenance etc dc got in contact in teens only met twice, dad was not interested. If dc passed I dont think I'd say anything till after the funeral as no doubt he would make it about him.
I'm nc with my dad as he was physically and/or emotionally abusive for 45 years would I want him to be informed probably not. I think my mum would tell him. I think my dc would not (all adults/older teens who've made their own decisions on also being nc).
I think I want whats best for my dc and it should be up to them if/when they choose to say anything. I won't be here so its their decision whatever makes them most comfortable.

If it’s totally no contact, neither side need to be involved with births, illness, death, inheritances etc. The relationship is over.

Well, I am sort of in this situation. I have a likely incurable cancer. I may, if I’m lucky, still live another 10-20 years. I might live 3.

I am NC with my mum, because she is married to a convicted paedophile and basically told me she didn’t really care that I was sexually abused as a child (not by my stepdad, she just knows how to pick em!).

She is 76, not in great health. She probably will die before I do, but possibly not.

She does not know I have cancer. I’ve been very careful to cut anyone out of my life (by that I mean, neighbours from when I was a child, family friends I haven’t seen in 30 years, no one actually close to me) who might tell her. It would set off such a bomb in my life if she found out. She would stalk me and harass me and generally be awful if she knew. So she doesn’t.

No, I wouldn’t want her to know if I died. I don’t think it would do any good and would cause a lot of unnecessary anguish, never mind trigger likely harassment of Dh and our dc, which would be the last bloody thing they’d need if bereaved,

On the flip side, I don’t know if anyone would tell me when she died. Her partner steers well clear of me because I know the truth about him and he’s a bit frightened of me. Though I can see him possibly forwarding on an email from her prepared in advance for the occasion to tell me how horrible I am. I usually get a Christmas and birthday and Mother’s Day email outlining why I’m so terrible! So maybe she’d do one on the occasion of her death as well. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She doesn’t have many friends left. The ones she does have are new friends (they move around a lot and cut people off), so none of the new friends would know me or how to contact me or they may not realise I exist.

I can see why people would find it hard to agree about not being informed when a child dies but no contact is no contact so why should there be a channel to share info on births and marriages?

We’re mutually NC with DH parents and when he was very very ill and we weren’t sure which way it was going I did ask him what he’d want me to do. He just said they’d already declared him dead to them, they were dead to him, and I’d have enough to deal with if he didn’t make it without having to talk to the bastards. They’d definitely find out but not through me if he goes first (he’s fighting fit now) and he doesn’t want them at the funeral.

You don’t need to decide once and for all now. If you change your mind you can always attempt to repair the relationship.

I didn’t make a conscious decision to go NC with my father - but after he responded to the death of my first baby by haranguing me with self pitying messages about how I had never paid him enough attention, and everyone was conspiring against him, I found I just couldn’t let him shit into my head anymore. I just physically could not open his emails or answer the phone to him.

I felt immense guilt about this for years & had all the usual chastisements from family -but he’s family, he’s mentally unwell, he loves you as much as he’s capable of loving anyone, etc.

But after about 6 years the family let up (apart from the occasional angry, paranoid letter to my workplace).

It clearly didn’t do him any particular good to be in touch with me, and given that every contact from him always sent me into a tailspin of helpless rage and guilt and shame that lasted weeks, I couldn’t see a compelling reason to bring that back into my life.

If you’re on the fence about your family, you can always just withdraw for a bit and reduce contact and see how that feels. maybe with a bit of breathing room you’ll be able to see a way forward with them - or maybe, like me, you’ll discover without them a lightness in living you didn’t know was possible.

I’m NC with my mother who is 86. I suspect she will outlive me as she’s driven by hate and has copious amounts of it.

I am not having a funeral so I don’t see it affecting my DC. I know my death will make her deliriously happy but I don’t get wound up by things I have no control over.

I’m NC with my mum.

I’m still in regular contact with her parents though (my grandparents) and I know that whatever I tell them about my life or my family it will get back to her as they will obviously chat about me when they all see each other.

I have no problem with that that though. As long as I don’t have to directly see or speak to my mum I don’t really care what she knows.

Mine would make it their life‘s work to disparage me and cause trouble in the relationship between my children as siblings
I don’t think anybody would tell them, but it definitely makes me look twice every time I cross the road to make sure I outlived them

My friend had a terrible relationship with her mother. After many years of hurt, my friend decided to cut all contact. She became terminally ill but didn't want her mum to know and when she died, her mum wasn't told. By now her mum was in a care home and very frail and the family thought it would be kinder not to tell her that her daughter had died.

I was no contact with my f from when I was 17 until he died - about 15 years.

No contact meant just that. I didn't contact him, go near him, think about him, talk about him, or respond to him in any way. As far as I was concerned he simply ceased to exist. I was delighted to be rid of him.

Worrying about what happens after you die seems a bit pointless. I made a will which did not include him. He died before my ds was born so he didn't know him, but if ds had been born sooner ds would not have been left in my parents care.

Who said what, after I was gone didn't really concern me.

I’ve actually never thought about that. My father would surely find out if I died, via other relatives. I don’t care if he knows but I absolutely would not want him to attend my funeral. I shall inform DH of that now, just in case!

My dad was NC with his mother. I thought they were completely non-contact with all of them but the Christmas after we moved he received a Christmas card from a sibling which he shredded. He also rang me to tell me when his brother died. Given I'd never met his brother - ( he went NC before I was born) this surprised me.

I found the whole thing bizarre. As a child I figured if you didn't want contact then you didn't tell people where you lived but he clearly had a different view.