Does parenting feel harder when your partner is at home?

[homemadecarrotsoup]

Parenting seems 100 times harder when DH is around.

It shouldn’t be, it should be easier but it isn’t, the kids are harder work, more defiant and stroppy and silly, they make a mess that they don’t seem to as much with just me, it seems to take forever to do anything.

Is it just me? I feel a bit bad for thinking it but just want him back at work now.

Yes! My DS plays up more when DH is here. School mornings are way more stressful as well. I’m relieved that’s he’s out all weekend working!

Sometimes, yes.

Yep. So much easier when DH is away with work. Jobs and chores that need doing get done timely. The mental load is significantly lighter. I don't expect help from another adult in the household because there isn't another adult in the house hold. Kids are happier and less whiny, too.

I think it's because you aren't looking for help or working around the other person. So you just crack on the way you want to. Also you don't try to relax. I think that's the siting, you think with two of you there's an opportunity to chill but actually it's just the two of you doing work at the same time. Divide and conquer is a better approach when you can. They you actually get to have a bit of time off

Yes because DP doesn’t understand that we have a daily routine and expects us to throw that out of the window when he’s off. Also I like to wake up in the morning with a plan for the day and DP will often announce halfway though the morning with no discussion that we’re going somewhere which requires DC to be dressed in completely different clothes to what I’ve dressed them, bags to be packed, a picnic I hadn’t shopped for to be made etc. This is why I hate Easter weekend, I can’t wait until Monday evening when it’s all over and DP is back at work!

It’s a clash of personalities at the end of the day though - I’m a planner and like to know what I’m doing for the whole weekend in advance and DP is completely spontaneous, he doesn’t decide what he’s doing until the moment.

No because we have always jointly parented so both know what needs doing and just get on with it. Much less work when two of you are working together.

No. I love the days DH is working at home so getting the breakfast and out the door routine on a school day stress isn't all my responsibility. And having both of us around so we can get DC to different places and not have to worry about the dog etc is way better.

Yes, it's like the bystander effect.

Having said that, my husband is absolutely not a weaponised incompetence person, but he is also just not as good at toddler wrangling as I am.

I have the same routine with my son the first hour every day unless he's ill. Sets him up as dressed, brushed and fed. Everything flows from there. My husband plays with him first, then dithers, then does some chores, then tries to persuades him to eat the breakfast he abandoned for fun, then tries to get him dressed, in spite of having treated it as optional. My son ends up a stroppy mess, and we're all frustrated.

All because my husband doesn't have the grace to go, "hmm, maybe I should copy what my wife does".

I can relate to this especially when children were very small. Decision making by committee is harder.

For me I'm pretty sure it wasn't a DH problem, just a stage, and it passed as the children got more independent. We're 100% a team, always were, but little children develop so quickly. I think there was a stage where it was almost impossible to stay on the same point of the learning curve so there were more opportunities for us to clash a bit, or be working on different assumptions that led to misunderstandings etc.

No, it’s much easier when DH is around. I have two days off in the week with DS and I’m obviously fine but I am always happy when DH finishes work and we’re jointly parenting. When he’s home late or out in the evening and it’s all on me, I definitely appreciate what I usually have.

It’s much more fun having another adult around because he does half the work, we all enjoy each others company and it’s nice to have adult conversation when DS is off doing his own thing.

We’re not a family that have/need strict routines though. I can see how it could be hard to adapt if you’re set on doing everything a certain way all the time, or your children need that structure.

It might be a ‘multiple child’ thing rather than a ‘strict routine’ thing, @AgeingBanana !

This. Two of us at home means things are easier and things generally happen much faster.

@homemadecarrotsoupI don’t really see how this would be a multiple child issue whether there are routines or not. A second pair of hands should always make things easier, if they don’t then it’s an issue with one of the adults (useless husband/ micromanaging wife or some degree of both) not how many kids there are.