How can I best support my husband through this grief, trauma and loss?

[LighteningBug]

I know there isn't a lot I can do other than be there for him but if you were me what would you do to support your partner during this time?

DH and I have been together for almost 40 years, since we were teens, we know each other well and have always had a close relationship.

Over the last few years things have been a bit, well.....crap!

In 2020 his mum died from cancer. He is close to his parents and his mum's death was not peaceful or kind, she died in hospice and in so much pain. It all happened during covid times and so we were only allowed in one at a time and had to wear protective clothing, it felt very clinical. It was a dreadful experience. After MIL's death DH compartmentalised it all and just got on with life. He is a stoic kind of person, big built, strong and looks like he can take on the world but I know him well and deep down he is a big hearted softie. I have always been secretly concerned that he never fully grieved for his mum.

Anyhow life has carried on, I have been having a lot of my own personal issues as I care for my own mum who is now in the advanced stages of dementia and life for myself has been hard going, I also have my own health issues and it's all very stressful but I always want to be there for my dh and dc.

A month ago dh was at work (he works outside in public areas) and a lady who had been chatting with him suddenly collapsed. DH was on his own at the time and no one around and his phone was in his works vehicle so couldn't leave her. He is first aid trained and started CPR immediately as she had stopped breathing. He was in the middle of a housing estate and said he shouted and shouted for help but no one was around, eventually a man came by out of his house and phoned for an ambulance. Long story short he ended up doing cpr for over 40 mins as the emergency services said he was doing such a great job they didn't to stop the flow.

DH came home that day exhausted and bawled his eyes out as soon as he walked through the door, he had felt terrible that he had broken all of her ribs and said that alone was a dreadful feeling although the doctor on call said he was glad the ribs were broken as it meant he had done the cpr correctly, still not a nice feeling though. He found out a week later that the poor lady had died in hospital. Following on from that news he has seemed so low and although his company have offered counselling he refuses to take up the offer.

This week he has found out that his good friend of 30 years has just been given months to live. My dh is so upset and keeps crying. I honestly don't know what to do for him other than offer big hugs and a listening ear. I am so worried about him though, I feel all these things stacking up will affect his mental health. He has always had great mental health but then again his life has been fairly plain sailing until recently and now there has been several big issues all together (last year his father was found collapsed having fallen and laid on the living room floor for 2 days alone, so that is another worry for him).

I know I can not force a grown man in his 50's to try counselling but I do think it may help him but it's not something he feels comfortable doing so I don't mention it.

Is there anything else I can do for him? I feel so helpless as so much of my time and mental health has been taken up on my mum's dementia journey and my own health issues recently.

Life sure can throw in some unexpected curveballs!

Its stressful for your husband as each death is piling up on him emotionally. Its very good news that he can cry. That alone does the world of good. Its a human response. It can take years to fully get over grief but becomes easier over time. I' m sure the lady he so kindly did CPR on would be grateful that a caring person stopped to help. He was her "good samaritan!" He was there for her and followed emergency instructions. He grieved her loss. Imagine how much worse for her relatives if he hadnt been there and she just lay dead while people walked past assuming she was just a comatose drunk. Fortunately your husband has a good spirit in him and he did what he could to help. Have you thought he could visit a National Spiritualist Church and have a medium try to link him up with some of those whove gone ahead. It isnt a frightening experience. It can actually be quite joyful. If thats not something you could entertain, maybe you could make a trip to the cinema and watch a film together in the darkness, holding hands or laughing at comedy or disbelieving the impossible. Its a good little 2 hour break from normality that allows you both a little space to recharge.
You must be proud of your husband for his kind efforts so please tell him so. I myself keep grieving over things I cannot change. I saw a homeless man crying his eyes out because his mother had died. It reminded me of my gut-wrenching grief over my own mothers death. He hadnt eaten for 3 days so I got him some food. He was apologising for crying but we all do it. Its like being hit around the heart with a wooden plank. We feel the passing of someone with such a strong spiritual connection! It takes years for the emotional side to dissipate. I know of people who never fully grieve and they feel tears at the memory .
I still feel bad about that guy. I gave him some food but it wasnt a lasting solution and I often wonder how he is but realise I will never really know if he made it through that day or not!

Thank you for your kind words.

I agree that a good bawl does release a lot of tension. He had a good cry after visiting his friend yesterday, the one who is dying, he said he felt better after that cry.

I'd have felt the exact same way regarding the homeless guy, I'm terribly empathetic and tend to think about people in sorrowful situations for years after.

I'd love the idea of a spiritual church myself but DH doesn't believe in the afterlife as I do.

https://suddencardiacarrestuk.org
there are several organisations that offer support for people who have attempted cpr- this is one. Might this help?

Thank you.

please tell him he is a hero, most wouldn't do CPR for that long! However also tell him this sobering stat (from npr an american news site)

'But the true odds are grim. In 2010 a review of 79 studies, involving almost 150,000 patients, found that the overall rate of survival from out-of-hospital cardiac arrest had barely changed in thirty years. It was 7.6%.'

www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/05/29/1177914622/a-natural-death-may-be-preferable-for-many-than-enduring-cpr

When I took a cpr course the instructor said children & infants survival figures are much higher while most adults don't live but not to let that stop one from providing it of course.

Your H needs to process this, it was a very traumatic experience and yes it has likely reignited grief for his mother. A few sessions w/a therapist could help a lot in addition to love and support from you and others he trusts.

My brothers did cpr on our father until emergency workers arrived, he'd been dead for at least 10 min when they found him and at the hospital the dr told them he would have been dead when he hit the floor. They were still despondent and blamed themselves for a while.

Also re her ribs-its considered cpr was done right if ribs are broken, your H did it perfectly, but it was her time. Maybe he can frame this as he was there so she didn't pass alone 💝that matters a lot imho.

That lady was so lucky your DH was there and she was not alone. His effort was truly amazing. He is a very a brave man. Look after each other at this sad time. The sun will shine again💐

Thank you.

Sadly. she didn't actually die from her heart attack, DH had got her heart going again, she had actually died from the impact to her brain when she collapsed and hit her head on the pavement. DH finds that the hardest part to accept, he said if only she had fell towards him he could have caught her but it all happened so quickly, one moment she was chatting and suddenly she said she felt weird and within a flash of a moment she had fallen backwards.

He feels so upset that he revived her for her to die from something else.

Thank you.

Do you have a local "Andy's Man Club"?

My DH has been through a lot recently and talks to a lot of "hairy-arsed builders" though work. He said several have attended and it really helps. He said he doesn't feel the need himself at the moment but knowing it's there is reassuring in itself.

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

You say that your DH didn't really grieve for his mum - these two situations may be triggers for buried grief. Or he may genuinely not have needed to grieve his mother in an open way.
Regarding the friend, I think it's very natural for him to cry. I think practical support would be the way to go here - making sure he has time to visit the friend or spend time together; listening to him talk, small kind gestures etc.
Saving someone's life only for them to die afterwards (CPR lady) must be very traumatic. I think this one would definitely be worth getting counselling for. This is not an everyday situation and must be hard to process. If he is not receptive to that I wouldn't force it, but perhaps mention it again in time.
Take care of yourself too and make sure you have what you need to stay well rested and well grounded, especially as you have your own burdens.
Both you and he sound very kind and empathetic people.

It sounds to me like you’re going all the right things already. It’s possible that he is processing his grief by having a great big old bawl when he needs to and that combined with knowing you’ll let him talk (and you’ll listen) might be all he needs. Everyone processes grief differently and for me at least, when I went through a traumatic bereavement, my heart and slowly healed itself while I kept my brain busy with various projects. I just made sure that whenever I needed a huge big cry, I went somewhere and did it properly.

Just being there for him will make more difference than you could ever know.

when a big bereavement hasn't been properly grieved, then a 'lesser' shock can trigger the emotions formt he first.
We recently lost our dog, and dh was so upset, probably disproportiantely so, his father died last summer, and I don't think her had really given himself a chance to grieve for that, and so the dog has hit him much harder.
On the other hand, it has sort of given him a reason to cry and let out the emotions.

How much of all this can you say to him? Because reminding him of the pile of losses and how it might help him to talk to someone safe and not related may help

I think there is some really good advice here - and my suggestion might sound a bit lame in comparison but perhaps doing things to promote good mental health may help. I find walking in nature really beneficial- being able to hear birdsong and the wind in the trees is a big plus for me.

Yes she was lucky he was there.
And if this were my loved one i would find a lot of comfort knowing your lovely caring husband tried to save her and that she was not alone and was with someone who tried his very best .
He is obviously a strong brave kind man, i hope he gets to understand this and that time heals him to some degree , it's really hard when life kicks you when you are down.

We are the same. We are lucky to live rurally and we have a dog so we walk out over fields and woodlands every day.

DH has also made some lovely bird boxes over the last few years and we have been lucky to have them used by our local birds. Last year we had 11 bluetit fledglings and this year they have returned alongside a little family of robins.

We are also by the sea so had a lovely brisk seaside walk yesterday which has helped lift our spirits.