Hate the responsibilities parenting comes with ?

[kaes792]

I don’t really know how to say this without sounding awful, but I hate being a mum.

I hate waking up every day knowing someone else depends on me for everything. I hate that I can’t just get up and decide to go away for a few weeks because there’s always school or responsibilities tying me down. I hate that my house is never properly clean anymore I tidy and within 10 minutes it’s a mess again.

I hate constantly having to entertain someone. I hate that when I feel low or depressed, I can’t just stay in bed and switch off for the day. I hate that I can’t even go to the shops or out for a walk without having to bring my child with me. I miss being able to just meet friends or have adult time.

I resent my child’s father because he gets to go to work, speak to adults, have a break from parenting while I’m here dealing with everything all day. I hate the school runs, the constant responsibility, the worry when my child is unwell and having to advocate all the time.

I feel so much anger towards my parents for not helping more, but at the same time I don’t even feel like I can ask for help because I chose this life. I feel like I should just deal with it.

I don’t have friends. I don’t have a social life. I don’t even enjoy things like going to the park it all feels like something I have to do, not something I want to do.

I look at my older sister who chose not to have children and I feel jealous of how free she is. I honestly wish I could turn back time sometimes.

I do love my son so much. But I don’t feel like I’m good enough for him. He deserves a mum who is patient, engaged and enjoying motherhood, and I’m just… not that person.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this, or that it gets better, because right now I feel completely stuck and overwhelmed.

Btw my son is 5years old

I have no words to help, but I feel exactly the same. 😓

It is certainly hard work! My two are teenagers now 14 / 17 sort of ages. I still don’t feel my life is my own! Maybe you never do as a parent as you always have to think about them/worry about them. And adults often have more problems than kids, so it’s a job with no end at all. I guess you have to work on acceptance that life won’t ever be what is was pre kids and try to find the joys in life where you can.

Can you start working then kid is in school?
SAHM is lonely.

Do you have a partner to share the load with and also hopefully, if a good relationship -bring you joy, as you sound very fed up?

Yep, societal expectations and hormones really do a number on women that's for sure.

You sound very down. Would working benefit you?

Can you go out for a walk or to the shops while your child is at school OP? Or are you at work then?

YANBU op, the total gear change from a life where you're the main focus to one where you're often second fiddle to small people is tough and can be draining.

Idk if it's helpful but I found it got better when I prioritised time for myself.

Okay so I can't go for a walk etc at the drop of a hat, but I can say that twice a week I'm going for an early morning swim (as I always used to) and DH does the school run. I go away once a year with my school friends and visit friends at least once a year the way I used to a lot before I met DH. I realised being a ft sahm wasn't for me so I got a pt role a few days a week.

I also started doing stuff i wanted to do on my days with the kids. Not all day every day by any means but at least weekly we'd go to a museum or an exhibition or something that interested me not just focused on them. There was some kick back a few times but I explained that actually mummy finds playgrounds extremely tedious but I do it because they love them and that's what families do sometimes. Mummy loves the wildlife photographer of the year exhibition so we will be going to that together. There has to be a balance. Actually think it's been really good for them to realise the world doesn't revolve around them. These are examples which work for me, yours may look different.

I found Hunt, Gather, Parent to be a helpful book for resetting the focus of the household and making it less child centric.

I found once I had a few things like this where I had time to be me and not just mum, I became less resentful of the mum bit. And we've discovered some likes we have in common (for example my oldest blooming loves a museum, just like me) which we wouldn't have realised if I'd stuck to playgrounds and soft play. It can be all encompassing and overwhelming if left unchecked.

@hangonwhilstioverthinkthisWow I love this I will definitely try this thank you soo much i definitely need to start doing stuff that I love maybe this will help a lot

@Catcatcatcatcatim currently on universal credit my son is autistic so he’s handful to look after he’s not the worst on the spectrum from what ive seen and read about but its still challenging but i really wish i could get a job maybe one that doesnt affect my benefits a part time or something I would love that

@Cosycoffeesim sorry your dealing with this too it’s such a lonely place to be in I’m hoping you find back happiness and joy again ❤️

What do you do when your son is at school? Can you use that time to do some things just for you? Study, going for a walk/swimming/join a club, volunteer somewhere so you get to meet so new people, etc.?

My eldest is 7 and I've just accepted those restrictions really. Yes, I can't do things at the drop of a hat and we're tied to school times and term times, but I knew that would be part of being a parent and I want my dcs to do well so I do it.

I'm a sahm though so I do get all school hours free (dc2 is nursery aged so is only pt just now) - in that sense I get more free time than DH and I make the most of it by going off to do things I want to do when dcs are at school, not just doing chores and errands. I feel I've earned it by being with them 24/7 until they were in nursery!
For me going off and getting a job would just add more restrictions on my free time so not a choice I'd make.

I would make the most of the time you have when they're at school, and find activities that are fun for both of you. My dcs are able to enjoy certain all-ages activities, like musicals, art galleries, NT properties and immersive exhibitions, which all of us genuinely find interesting and fun.

Fingers crossed OP! It really didn't take much to shift for me, started by introducing a few small changes and I felt myself becoming less overwhelmed/resentful almost at once. Motivated me to continue.

Really hope it improves for you too!

If your ds is autistic check your council's Short Breaks provision. They should have some respite activities for your ds which would take his needs into account. Get in touch with your local parent carer group for advice on what is available in your area. Your local carer group should have welfare advice on how to maximise your benefits and how working would affect it.

My son is autistic and I also found it hard to get back into work. I work 12 hours a week. I do all pick ups and drop offs . In the hols either dh or I use annual leave or grandparents help. We don’t get UC but I do get carers allowance.

The time I’m not at work and DS is at school I spend carefully. I go to the gym 3x a week, I read, watch tv, paint, do crosswords. I go swimming, I occasionally meet a friend for coffee. I basically split my six hours into-
gym - 2 hours (including travel and shower)
housework - 2 hours (including pots/ laundry/ food prep)
fun/rest - 2 hours (includes lunch)

dh helps with bed time, cooks fri/sat/sun and hoovers at the weekend. He also does gardening. We each get a lay in at the weekend. I get a food shop delivered.

@Thegrassroots26hes no help really he’s a bus driver so he only has two days off he seems zoomed out half of the time we are not together btw but he’s living in the home until he finds a property he comes home complaining and his job saying that I don’t understand how it is to be a bus driver and the constant times he has to speak to people getting on the bus maybe I’m being mean but I possibly couldn’t understand what the big issue is tbh he doesn’t even volunteer to even bath our son or do basic stuff like clean the house I have to ask he doesn’t do it I’ve begged him how many weeks to even just mop the floors I can’t wait until he moves out and don’t get me wrong he’s a good dad but when he’s going through his own issues he forgets that he’s got responsibilities he goes outside to have a smoke half the time he’s home from work and spends hours outside being by himself I just don’t have no help from him

I personally want to move countries with my son I think I would have so much more help we are from the Caribbean and I have so much family there that support us when we are there the living and the freedom we get when me and my son go on holiday just heals my soul

Also being from a black Caribbean household the judgement you get from just saying you can’t manage being a mum is scary for me to reach out to my mum and really tell her what’s going on we are taught to just keep going especially mothers