Mums...Am I a bad mum for not always playing with my toddler?

[sunshine240778474]

I have a two year old son. He always wants to play with me in the house. I am constantly feeling mum guilt because once I've come home from work after a 12 hour shift I am knackered and on my days off I have to catch up with washing, cleaning, and studying ect.

Since he's been a baby I have taken him to classes such as baby sensory ect.

During the week when I am not working I take him to book bug, swimming lessons, football class, and an another sports class.

I do read him books in the morning and at night, and play puzzles ect with him, but can't help but feel bad for not constantly playing with him. He doesn't have any siblings.
I keep thinking hes wanting a friend to play with.

Am I a terrible mum? Should I be playing with him more?

Sounds like you do lots already! Children need to learn to amuse themselves and play independently which is great for their confidence and creativity.

If you are reading to him every day too then that’s a great thing. I think so long as screen time is limited and activities are there for him to engage with then you’re doing great.

No, no one plays with their toddler constantly, we are not made to enjoy extensive play with little ones IMO. I don't think anyone remembers how much their parents played with them especially from that age. You are doing more than enough, we all got through without our parents playing with us all the time, it's fine

Only a good mum, worries if she’s doing a good job, you’re doing more than most, playing with kids is quite boring IMO and it’s a struggle, I always make sure reading and drawing are non negotiables in the day, the rest is what I can bare! You’re doing a fab job x

Of course you are not a bad mum.

Qoute from my nana
Good mums think they are bad mums, bad mums don't think they are bad mums.

I was having a very low parenting point and questioning myself when she said the above.

Don't beat yourself up, you are doing a good job

Unless you can afford to outsource all your cooking and housework it's impossible to play with a child constantly. I also agree that all people benefit from learning how to occupy themselves.

You sound like you’re doing a great job. I didn’t constantly play with my dc when they were toddlers. The best way to be a good mum is to really look after yourself, as well as caring for your dc.

You sound like a great Mum. Cut yourself some slack. You are doing just fine.

Yanbu at all. I used to enjoy short periods of some types of play with my dd- I liked anything arty, board games, construction, reading, outside play but wasn’t so keen on imaginative play. And it sounds like you are already doing a great job providing a stimulating life for him and encouraging varied interests. There is lots of stuff written about why it’s good for kids to be encouraged to play by themselves. Sometimes adults stifle the play (and therefore the creativity, curiosity and intiative) of children by imposing their own ideas or agenda (‘no, play with it this way’). You provide the environment for free play and you can be a conscious observer, but avoid intervening. It’s easier said than done of course! But no, please don’t feel guilty.

No you’re not a bad mum. My DD always wants to play teachers which I do not want to do after a full day of teaching.

You’re spot on with this.

When I worked in a reception class at primary school, we had sessions each afternoon that were dedicated to child initiated play. It’s really good for their intellectual development.

Little ones benefit from playing alone. It widens their imagination.
Thats my excuse anyway 😆

So you're saying you come home after a 12 hour day of not seeing your child and you think it's more important to do chores?

Your child needs you, yes you need to give them some focused attention and play with them.

Not all the time no -but you're already working a long day!!

I would trim the activities and spend time just doing things with him. Walks where he looks and finds feathers, stones, flowers. Feed pigeons in town (if it's allowed), feed ducks.

At that age there’s no need for so many structured activities. Use the time to get out & explore together.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re doing amazingly so please don’t be hard on yourself! Doing all that and working 12 hour shifts!

If you’re still worried after the reassurance on here, then you can turn anything into a game with a toddler without having to go anywhere or do anything in particular. E.g., doing the washing, taking out the tumble/off the line (if you’re not in a rush that is). Match the socks. What colour is this? Just bringing attention to everyday life and getting them involved in what you’re doing. My Nan used to get me helping washing up (bubbles, which I loved) and putting clothes on the line, Etc. I used to think of it exactly the same as feeding the ducks. Please don’t ever feel bad for being too tired. It sounds like you already do tonnes of play and interaction and you must be absolutely exhausted! X

Also this sounds really interesting - and I agree that time alone but observed is also needed!

they also learn by modelling your behaviour and copying you

Thank you to you all for the reassurance. It really helps♥️ Yes, I work long hours as a nurse on a busy ward. I'm always exhausted after that and the day after.

@Perfect28 I didn't say I came home and did chores after my shift. I'm too tired for that. I said I do them on my days off as well as taking my son to activities.
I want him to have clean clothes ect.

Hell no you’re not a bad parent!

it’s so hard at this age. I opted to do lots of activity based things outside of the house with mine because I hated being stuck in crawling in and out of a tent, role play - with me being all characters and child refusing to join in and just watch because it was all so entertaining! Craft etc was hideous at that age.

Luckily for me my husband picked up a lot of the role play stuff as I hated it SO much.

Irrespective of whether she does this - you don’t know the wider circumstances. If she’s a single mother, for example, she may not have anyone else to make dinner or do the wash. If she is exhausted and it’s a “do it now or I won’t get back up again” sometimes that happens. Most women would love to work less, but that also isn’t life for most women. For those literally being both parents to their children, yes they have to feed them which means they can’t focus on them every spare moment. For many they need two incomes to pay bills.

I am not a single parent, fortunately, but as a young women out of Uni many years ago I worked with a single mum (husband had died) who was raising a young teenage girl. I had SO much admiration for her, doing it on her own. She worked ALL the hours because she had to be two parents. 20 years later I still have all the admiration for her and seeing her daughter now a parent, she did good. She wasn’t there every hour but she was there when it mattered. Her daughter is an incredibly well rounded amazing young woman.

Don’t feel bad! It’s hard to balance work, playing with them, and housework. But he might prefer to drop one of the classes/outside activities and just play with you at home. My 2 yo would happily play cars with me for hours!

In your hurry to pile onto the OP, you didn’t read her posts properly.

You're not a bad mum. Might not work for you, but when I felt guilty in similar circumstances I'd get my toddler to "help " with the chores, which he thought of as playing. Things like getting him to load and unload the washing machine, spray bottle of water and a cloth to clean the skirtings or front of cupboards or whatever, pairing socks, sorting washing between family members. I'm pleased I did it because he learnt those skills and just kept doing them and at 5 is very handy round the house.

But sometimes you need to whizz round and get stuff done while they entertain themselves.

you sound like you are doing brilliantly, working 12 hour shifts is hard with a child so young.

I’d say let him develop the skill to play alone as well. Give him some paper and pens etc or you could get him to help you tidy up.

I agree don’t waste your money on clubs and groups at that age too much. Getting out for walks and looking at things gives you a chance to interact with him.

my dd’s dad has arguably spent too much time playing games etc with her and she does struggle to play on her own and is quite demanding of his time when she is with him and I think it is exhausting for him. I’ve had to intervene and tell her she needs to do stuff on her own sometimes so that he can have down time on his day off!

Being a mum whether it’s a stay at home or working mum is hard! All different stages are hard. Your definitely not a bad mum your working, keeping the house together making sure your baby is fed clean as well as playing with them as well as everything else we do for them in between. Sounds like you need time for yourself and to be pampered as you deserve xx