What to send a grieving friend?

[Squashies123]

My friends dad has recently passed away and she lives 3 hours away so I can’t just pop around

I’ve messaged her but want to send her something. I was thinking of sending a Cook meal voucher, but I’m not sure what would be a ‘normal’ amount? Or maybe postbox brownies would be better?

im also not sure how I would phrase the message in the card eg this is something to help out when you don’t feel like cooking?

really overthinking this I know but any advice would be appreciated

I think a card would suffice. If you did want to send a Cook! Voucher you would need to consider an amount that covers the cost of feeding all of the family members she is expected to cook for otherwise it isn’t really going to be a genuine help .

I think flowers as you can get them sent to her address, also with the food voucher I would say £30 is a reasonable amount if u decide on that option, then if it’s over £30 she can top it up

Perhaps a small indoor Rose, all the message needs to say is something like 'thinking of you at this sad time'

I’ve sent a Just Eat voucher to grieving friends after their child died. They had 3 teenage boys at home so I thought something to take the ‘chore’ away one night of having to plan, shop and cook a meal might be a good idea.

I included a message that said something along the lines of “I hope this gives you one less thing to have to plan for or think about in the days or weeks ahead” and voucher was to the value of £15 per person.

thanks all, she doesn’t have any children so it’s just her and her partner, so hoping that £30 would be reasonable.

I always worry with flowers that it might place a burden on the person receiving them as they then have to arrange/water them, although I know that she does love flowers

and very helpful to have suggestions of what message to write!

When my mum died we got a lot of flowers - it was overwhelming. The gifts that made a real impact were the Cook meals that showed up (two family sized meals and two puddings) and another who sent wine. If you send flowers, make sure they are in a vase already - it’s so hard not to feel ungrateful otherwise if you have another thing to manage when you are at such a low point.

I hated all the flowers I received after DHs death.

I got to watch them die, after watching my husband die, and it was just upsetting tbh.

It’s also a bloody chore when it’s hard enough just getting up and making a cup of tea. I didn’t want to unwrap, dispose of wrap, trim stems, dispose of trimmings, find vases, pick up falling petals, refresh the water, dispose of dead blooms etc etc etc.
One stunning (& expensive) bouquet sent by well meaning friends was unwrapped and put straight on the compost heap because I just couldn’t deal with them.

The nicest things I received were cards and messages with some well thought words. Honestly op, a card is enough. A death really isn’t a gift event.

The loveliest thing I had was a friend who text me every couple of weeks saying ‘how are you? no need to reply, but I’m thinking of you and here if you need me.’ After a month or two of this she also sent a lovely candle, a few months later a lovely throw when it got cold etc etc. The ongoing support was what I appreciated most, after most people had moved on so quickly and had just left me to get on with it.

I was sent brownies by my uncles wife after my mum's sudden death.

I'll be honest, I was bemused when I opened them. But actually, I did eat one. And it was the first thing I'd eaten in a while, so that was a good thing. They grew on me as an idea as I went through the box and I did feel cared for.

To echo others, a bunch of flowers can be a PITA. My dad died suddenly at 47 when I was a teen and my brother 11. I can vividly recall mum trying to find things to use as vases for bouquets which didn't come boxed or in a vase. I still can't stand the smell of day lilies because they overpowered the house.

Possibly an indoor plant or rose as someone else suggested might be an option and she doesn't need to watch it die like fresh flowers do. Some people hate gardening and plants though. Are there any local restaurants which delivery near her and you could get a voucher from them? TBH though, when my dad died, mum barely ate. Maybe a bit left field, but does she have a bird feeder? Sometimes seeing life such as birds in the garden can be a distraction. After step MIL died, DH's dad suddenly had a robin visit daily which he found great comfort in.

In terms of wording, it depends if you ever met the dad or not? If you did, you could make reference to that meting- he was always so lovely, caring, welcoming and I shall remember him for ...... If you never met him, you are so sorry for her loss. If relevant, you could add something like how fondly she talked about him etc.

I would send a nice card, sharing a memory or two if you knew him. Regular check in texts with no onus to reply also. I’d do a voucher for takeaway instead of flowers. Offer to take some admin off her hands if you can. Thank you for thinking about your friend - I’ve recently lost someone and found some people have been so lovely, whilst others seem to have gone out of their way to make things more difficult.

Please don't send flowers. It's just more death. Can you get to see her at all? One of my friends just turned up out of the blue and gave me a big hug. Then we drank tea, cried and reminisced.

How about a fruit bowl gift? Lots of places do them including M&S I think.
Personally, I liked getting flowers when each of my parents died, it showed people were thinking about me and the flowers were beautiful - but fruit would have been welcome too!

Buying something just isn’t a substitute for words.

Rather than a cook voucher can you order the actual meals for delivery? S cook voucher in itself, whilst lovely would still be a hassle as you have to either go to a shop or find the time to place an order online.
however if a meal appeared on my doorstep..

OP has sent words. She wants to help in a tangible way. That’s not the substitute for anything

I think maybe just a nice card and a couple of thoughtful texts. I would think the food vouchers and brownies etc a bit strange.

I felt swamped by flowers when my Mum died. I really appreciated that friends and relatives had sent them but after the 3rd delivery arrived I didn’t have a vase left to use. I had to resort to jugs and pint glasses. I then felt bad that people had spent their hard earned cash on flowers and I wasn’t even treating them properly.

What about maybe a basket of pampering toiletries to have restful soak in the bath? Could be ordered online from Boots/Next/Amazon and delivered directly to your friend.

Not flowers. I was given some lovely flowers after my Mum died but then I left them in the water too long so the lounge smelt but unfortunately I didn’t actually notice as I was so low.
One friend sent me a tiny ceramic white feather in a small box with a nice card which I appreciated. (Finding a white feather is supposed to remind you of your loved one).
Cards with nice thoughtful messages are definitely good.
To be honest in the first stage of grief I don’t think much else registers except who was around for you, well it didn’t with me.

Maybe one for after the funeral, but I sent this Donna Ashworth book - ‘Loss’ - to a bereaved friend last week and she loved it. https://amzn.eu/d/0frbPYR8

Yes absolutely this. I was given a Cook voucher which was lovely, but I went into a panic at first because I needed to order/have freezer space/organise delivery and at that point I just couldn't. I ended up using it a few months later when able to drive the 30 miles to the shop.

Ordering meals to be delivered sounds like a good compromise.

I might be in a minority of 1 but I have loved having flowers arrive after my mum died. The really bright bunches actually bring a tiny bit of joy into my life. And the ones that came with a 'hug' biscuit from Bloom & Wild encouraged me to eat something.
Personally I would have struggled receiving a voucher that I then had to work out how to spend, unless it was somewhere that I used regularly anyway.

Not flowers. I'd send a mini hamper made up of things like biscuits and crackers , with jars of toppings that won't go off quickly.

After I lost my parents my friend knew I was struggling to relax and rest. I found she’d ordered me a weighted blanket which I had never thought of but I absolutely loved it and it really did help me relax and get some much needed sleep.
Not sure if you’re friend would but it’s an idea

I liked getting flowers too.

When my dad died a friend sent me a hamper thing of snacks. It was ideal because I honestly couldn’t remember to eat so it was good to have some little snacks to grab to tide me over.