My very introverted DS is like a different person online.

[Scruffysquirrels]

He's always been quiet and reserved, but withdrew completely into himself after a trauma c. 5 years ago. He did really well in his GCSE just before that.

I've tried to get him to counselling many times, but he won't engage, so it would be pointless, and in any case a decent counsellor wouldn't see him under those circumstances. He's now 22.

He does attend his (min wage) job regularly and must have to deal with people there, but I don't know to what extent he engages.

He barely leaves the house except for work. He's very good at helping with DIY etc. when asked, but never makes any attempt at conversation. Not with me, his brother, GPs or any visitors. I've often asked him to make an effort because it's rude not to, but he genuinely seems unable to.

He spends a lot of time online with people he's never met. He's currently talking a "friend" through a software issue. He sounds like an expert , but more than that he's engaging, interested, interesting, funny.

How can we bring that out of him IRL? I feel like there's so much potential, but don't know how to reach it.

Is he happy with his life, and his social life on line? I know it's not what you would choose but it is going to be the way of the future.

My DH was this person after leaving the military. Did well at work but entire life outside work was online where he was lively and had multiple social circles.

When we met he was very attached to it, he now thinks he was probably depressed and that was his lifeline. Over the early years of our relationship I got him out more and more but it was a slow process. At first going out for a walk along our local beach and maybe a coffee was a big deal. Some days it was a complete no and others we’d have a lovely time. I was persistent and consistently clear that I wanted a life that involved holidays, meals out etc. It gradually built and built over time as he started to realise he enjoyed that kind of stuff.

10 years on, we live a pretty normal and busy life. He’s met a local social circle through his hobby, separate to me. What I will say though, is that those online friends are still around. I had to reserve 20
seats for them at our wedding as they came from all over the country! We’ve repaid the favour and enjoyed many weekends away for their weddings. I’m friends with his friends wives, we’re talking about a group holiday next year. They are all lovely lovely people who are solid, dependable friends, even across distance. They all tell a similar story that they met online when they were lonely and struggling and have stuck with each other through hard times. All spend less time online now as life has moved on but make a point of catching up at least weekly.

I hope your DS’s online community turns out as successfully.

Sounds like me when I was young. He will find counselling in his own time ❤️ I had my dad in the background constantly berating me for not being good with ppl which just made things worse, I'm not saying you do this though. Ironically dad has always been very anti social 🙈

As they say, catch more flies with honey so I would suggest coaxing him positively, maybe compliment occasionally on things he's good at, like you mentioned DIY and IT (not saying you have to worship him lol but he might have low self esteem and might stay quiet if he feels unsure of himself). If he's good with tech maybe he will end up being a go-to tech support (this is me) for family and friends which helps build confidence and helps strike up conversations. I've fixed ppl's phones while we chat so I have something to focus on and find it easier to make chit chat when I also have something to do.

Use his strengths to help with conversation starters. He might then feel more confident chipping into a convo as opposed to just sitting with visitors not knowing what topic of convo to go for.

Finding a comfort zone within a social situation helped me. This for me was usually pets!

He might not be good at small talk yet, it came with age for me. I know you mean well and I do get the frustration (have observed younger relatives who struggle to engage with visitors just as I did), but he might genuinely not know yet how to 'make an effort', I've tried helping with convo starters I know they'll be interested in, maybe music or whatever he likes, I find this can help them open up by talking about something they enjoy.

Yes, he says he's happy, but if he wants this lifestyle to be maintained forever, at some point he's going to need to earn more than minimum wage.

Maybe he has a lot of social anxiety in face-to-face interactions, but feels much more confident in online spaces? I had a friend who was similar, but she was happy enough, so nobody used it when she turned down suggestions of therapy/medication, etc.

My autistic DS is the same, very engaged in his online life but barely leaves his bedroom. I wish I could bring it into real life but I don’t know how. I feel you op.

Mu boss is like this

Amazing online, terrible in person